A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I have new found problems with insecutrity and need input on whether I need help or if I am not actually doing wrong or acting wrong. This will be kinda long, but here goes... I have been married for about four years now. My wife left me about a year ago thinking she wanted a divorce and then realized she actually didn't. Before the seperation she never went to bars or parties, but now she goes on a weekly basis. This is something she started while we were seperated and it has carried through. My problem is that I feel insecure and that she will want to leave or that the bar will lead her back to wanting to be single and it causes problems with us. I am completely for her having friends and spending time with them, I just view bars as being places for single people, or somewhere married people go with each other. Am I being insecure and out of line by having a problem with this? If so does anyone have advice on how for me to correct this problem. I am also insecure about my marriage in general. My wife is definitely someone who does things based on current emotion and even though we have wonderful lives with wonderful children, I feel that she may leave at any moment if everything is not perfect. I work forty hours a week and when I am not working I just want to spend time with her and my kids. I have a couple friends, but see and talk to them rarely. She on the other hand has lots and lots of friends and is always talking to them on the phone or on facebook. I guess I am insecure regarding to how many other guys she talks to on a regular basis. For me the problem is that they never used to have to be a part of her life and I was the only guy in it, and now I have had to adapt to the fact that other guys are consistently involved in her life. Is this normal for me to feel like this, or do I need to seek help. Thank you for any replies and suggestions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): ... Im not trying to have a debate with you, but the points that you have raised have nothing that states she is cheating/she has cheated/he thinks she is cheating.
... Nothing there says to me that she has been unfaithful nor that his 'discomfort' says that he feels she is unfaithful.
He's having a bout of insecurity and has posted his question for advice on how to overcome it.. Not make it worse!
Im sure that you are trying to help, but there is a difference between keeping-it-real and making-things-up..
xXx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): ... I don't thnk so..
Girls just wanna have fun! :-D
Unless he feels she is unfaithful, i don't think you should be jumping to conclusions and assuming she is going out to find a guy to bone.
And i cant read anywhere where the OP has written that she 'dumped' him for the clubs???
Hmmm.. Maybe something i've missed something??
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): ... Why don't you go out? Not your scene? Make it your 'scene' :P
Hang-out with your friends, family. Catch up with your old friends, make some new ones! Do whatever makes you feel good, and makes you happy!
Go! Have fun!
xXx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Lol! This is hilarious to me! I can't believe everyone is so uptight about bars! What? so when people get married their not allowed to have fun? Eff off!
.... IMHO, let the woman go out, let her have fun. She loves YOU! You know this yourself.
You guys seperated, because she was 'unsure'?? .. So you let her go, and thats when she went into party girl mode... but she still came back to you, right?
If she wanted to leave you she would've continued the seperation. She missed you. She knows right from wrong and i doubt she will do anything that would hurt you.
I think she realised while you both were seperated how much she needs you in her life, but also needs time-out with the girls.. And that is fine!
... Its also a possibility that because her friends are single, they drag her along to the bars and clubs. She probably just wants to have fun with her girls, and if her girls have fun at bars.. That's where she'll be.
Although.. The guys 'in-her-life'? Uhmmm.. Whats up with that? .. I go out regularly also.. Every girl needs their downtime.. But the men in my life? I only have 2.. My man n my son!
Talk to your wife.. When my partner doesnt like something that im doing, he tells me. And i change it. Don't attack her though, or she'll think your trying to control her. Time it right, and find a good time to talk about whatever has been on your mind. She should understand. And if she doesn't? She's being plain selfish.
Good luck!
xXx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Do you make her feel loved and important. If she is a younger mother she may just want the attention if you are not giving it to her. Or maybe she likes to go and get hit on cause she knows if you do break up she will still be wanted even though she is a mother now. It is hard to be married so young cause you feel trapped the rest of your life and still want freedom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): I have been in your situation and it is a tough one to be in. You want your spouse to be happy, but it's hard when they find happiness in something that bothers you. If she really cares about her marriage she will make sacrifices and she should be happy knowing that she is pleasing you. In fact I was in the same place she is about five years ago. We had a two year old daughter and the spark was not there that once was. I was finding enjoyment in going to the bars and pretty much anything that would get me out of the house. My husband told me that he was becoming unhappy and that if I didn't change some things he didn't know how much longer he could put up with it. So I decided that he and my child were what was really important to me and I quit everything he didn't like. I actually got more satisfaction and had more fun doing something else I knew he din't care about. We have been hapily married for ten years now and I wouldn't change a thing. Hopefully she can come to the same realization. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): insecurity is a state of mind. You have to get out of that state of mind whether what she is doing is right or wrong. You be the best you can be and do whatever you can to save your marriage. In my opinion she is not considering anything you care about. However don't be insecure, it solves nothing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): You sound like a nice guy and don't deserve that. Leave her if she won't change. Have you changed anything that she didn't like? Has she changed anything you don't like. Marriage is a two way street. Both have to commit. If one won't commit move on and find someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Let her go to the dang bar and stop being so insecure. I have divorced three times cause of the same crap.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Clearly if she cared about you she would give up the bar for you. By you telling her it bothers you and she still goes, it shows that she is selfish and cares more about having fun and going to the bar than she does about you and your marriage. Sounds blunt, but true. If I were you I would tell her me or the bar and see what happens. Hopefully it works out, but I would bet you end up splitting up cause she isn't getting what she wants. Don't go on being sad and treated bad in your marriage. Draw a line and make her cross it. If she wants to be married you will know.
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A
female
reader, Rebecca589 +, writes (3 January 2010):
 I don't think your wrong that is a natural reaction of someone in your position. Have you tried talking to her ask her to hear you out and tell her you will hear her with a open mind... Try to little things to make her feel special and reunite the passion with you guys, it sounds like something is still missing and she trying to find it. Sometime just the simple things can make a difference, like flowers on a non special occasion, taking her on a date just the two going to see a movie. Just be creative and help her light the part of the flame that has went out... And I wish you guys all the luck in the world
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): I was in the same boat with my insecure ex. He was always worried I was gonna leave him cause I went to the bars. Guess he was right. I met someone one night who was real cool and not jealous. I was sick of him giving me crap so I divorced him. I don't care about marriage anyways I decided. Having fun is more important than his feelings. I would leave her before she leaves you
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): What was this woman's relationship with her father when she was little? If it wasn't good, or he wasn't around, then it probably won't be your fault if the relationship goes down.
The most simple thing you could do is be happy even if she weren't in your life. In other words, get rid of neediness.
Affirm, 'I'm happy with my life without x'.
I'm definitely not saying to get rid of your wife, however, she maybe getting rid of herself one of these days since she puts herself in positions where she is surrounded by temptation.
It's really important to not be insecure/needy. Once you've done this, you will naturally be a more dominant guy. It doesn't sound like you have much sex. To her, perhaps it's this dominance factor that is missing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): In my opinion you are not really over reacting or being insecure. I completely agree that bars are places to "meet" people and are generally not a positive place. As a rule more bad things happen than good at bars. I am a married woman and in my opinion if you have told her that you don't like her going to bars she should respect you and your feelings and not go. After all she did marry you and should put you first. I do not have guy friends other than couple friends and a friend or two from long long ago. But I never see them without my husband there. I like to have girl nights once or twice a month, but we go to a movie, or drink at one anothers house and chit chat. In my opinion as long as you let her have her girlfriends she shouldn't need to talk to any guys other than you. As far as facebook... my husband and I share a facebook because we believe there should be no privacy and secracy in a marriage. Sounds to me like she wants to be married, but also wants the freedom of being single. Not saying that you loose all freedom when you get married, but the type of freedom you have should certainly be based on your relationship and what your partner wants and is comfortable with. I am sorry for your situation, you sound like a really nice guy. If I were you I would tell her you would like for her to have her girl nights, but the bars and "guy friends" need to stop. It is inappropriate in my opinion, but I will admit that I am a good ol gal even though I am only 26. Value your marriage and respect your spouse and everything they feel and say. Being unselfish is the most rewarding and best way to get along.
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