A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on dealing with my boyfriend and his lie.It all started a year ago when we had been dating for about 4 months. We had already opened up and talked about our pasts (exes, etc - but not in detail - just names and basics) and I thought I knew him pretty well. We went to stay with his mum for a weekend who got very drunk one night. She started telling me about her wedding (which was about 8 years ago) and went into great detail about how my bf had been all over a girl he worked with called "N" and he had taken her home to his mums for sex. When we'd talked he'd never mentioned a "N" so I asked him about it that night - he looked puzzled and claimed he'd never even met a "N" and he certainly wsn't with anyone at his mothers wedding. After that I left it - I believed him but there was still a niggling doubt.Anyway a year has passed and his mother brings it up AGAIN!! I asked him again as his mother obviously thought it was important to tell me again and again - he denied ever knowing her and even swore on the life of his sisters unborn baby that he would never lie to me. This time I didn't drop it - I calmly asked him why his mother would make such a point to tell me about a girl if he'd never met her.At this point he threw a complete hissy fit (bearing in mind he's 34!!). He called me every name under the sun, threatened to leave me and put his fist through our rented house wall! All because I asked a simple question - why was his mother causing trouble with lies? He finally admitted (after causing the damage) that he had known "N", she had gone to the wedding, his mother had tried to match them up by inviting her to spend the night, they'd shared a bed but hadn't so much as kissed.Can I believe him? After a year of lying to me about her not existing?? (he was afraid I'd leave him apparently - erm why would I leave him for sleeping with or not sleepng with someone??? if he was honest from the start I wouldn't have cared what he'd done - past is past). I feel so hurt that he would threaten to walk out on me and try to blame me rather than be honest - he would throw us away to protect some stupid secret about a girl he'd never been out with. Can I ever trust his words to be honest again? Or am I better off doing as my friends say and walking away (liars become cheaters apparently) I feel like I never really knew him and I don't understand how he can see it as protecting me.:-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): I think his Mother is making trouble for your relationship. It is totally inappropriate what she did - she doesn't sound nice actually and I think thats a bit of a non-starter for a long term relationship. Wow - he went from he never knew anyone "N" to staying in the same bed all night. Quite a turnaround of facts and he was abusive to you into the bargain. Any man that sees fit to punch a hole in the wall because he's been forced to admit something and be honest has a problem would you not think? Thats quite a violent act. People that get so angry are often highly guilty - and angry at being cornered and found out. He also should have been cross with his Mother for making trouble - not you for doing what anyone would have done and asked a simple question. After all - if it wasn't such a big deal why is his own Mother still going on about it. He sounds immature and abusive and his mother would prefer him with someone else. I'm with your friends - walk away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Thanks for the replies!I agree it has nothing to do with me but I hate that he has lied. It was his idea to share the past with each other as he wanted an "open and honest relationship with NO lies". I just don't understand why he would lie about something so insignificant - if my mother had said something similar I would have told her to drop it as nothing happened and then told him the truth....I just feel hurt that he didn't have the same regard for me as I would for him.I do believe (probably stupidly) that he didn't sleep with her. He's not lied about any of the other really bad stuff he's done or about other girls he's slept with - so why lie about a girl he met for 3 hours who had a boyfriend and he didn't even kiss her let alone sleep with her?"Have you never told a lie?" Honestly? :-( Not to him no. I thought this was my fresh start after a shitty relationship full of lies from my ex....and he said he was the same (his ex had lied and cheated throughout) I'm just afraid now he'll end up just like my ex!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): His mother doesn't like you very much does she? Why on earth would she feel she has to keep raking up his past other than to make you feel bad about it and cause a rift between you and your boyfriend? She's what I would call a shit stirrer.
If anything did happen it was over six years ago so why are you getting so wound up about it? It's not important. It was probably an experience he'd rather forget anyway, and having it brought up twice in a year is more than likely what he was getting angry about. Maybe she gave him a dose of the clap or something and the memory of her is not a good one.
Have you never told a lie?
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