A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend now for nearly 2 and a half years. We've been having a lot of problems over say the last 6 months. I'm 19 as well as my girlfriend and I've been in a longish relationship before, whereas she hasn't. I'm feeling very skeptical about a good answer to help here, but don't see how it can hurt to try. I'm treying to give both sides of the argument here, instead of the usual one that seems to frequent a lot of questions on this site. Me and my girlfriend are both in the wrong in a lot of ways. She can be a really horrible person sometimes and so can I. When we were first together we had a good amount of sex and we used to do extra things like she'd dress up for me etc. but nowadays this really doesn't happen and sex is few and far between. I have a large problem with this, and sometimes I do put pressure on her about it, but when I don't, I feel really awful inside and an argument brews anyway because it's really obvious that I have a problem and I act all sullen about it in her eyes. She says I don't listen which sometimes I don't, mainly on the principle that she doesn't either. Quite a lot of the time, I do try to listen, but the slightest move and it falls apart. When we argue, which at the moment is daily, they become very heated at times where we both swear (although this is more her, but used to be more me)and sometimes violence ensues on both parts, like I'll pin her down to listen, and she has hit me in the face more than once. I love my girlfriend more than anything, and she is very special to me, and I don't want answers that are anytrhing to do with breaking up please.Now more to her side of things. She says I don't act like I care or act very loving, which is something I try to do, but I can also see where she is coming from at times. One thing I especially hate is when I say I feel something too, she just turns it round and asks why she can't feel something on her own for once, even though I feel the same thing but disregards that herself. I admit I'm not the best boyfriend in the world but I think she expects more than I can do at this time where everything is broken, and I try to do small things to build up foundations, but she can't let things stay calm for any amount of time. She also likes to blame me for things that really aren't my fault,like her being tired. She says I'm arrogant at times, which I've been told before, so maybe I am but I don't feel it's as much as she makes out. She says with sarcastic undertones, things like 'why would I want to be close to a pieceof shit like you' etc. She used to say she was sorry for these sorts of things, but of recent, she doesn't seem to be at all.I've tried initiating a clam discussion, where we each get a turn to speak, but things always go awry, and an argument breaks out soon enough. I've also tried to make more of an effort recently to do more things she likes and done little surprise things like sending her nice surprise e-mails and things, but during the next argument she'll throw them back in my face, saying things about those things don'tmake up for anything. I'm not trying to mkake up for anything with them, I'm just trying to make nice gestures. I have also said some quite nasty things to her because of what I feel she does to me sexually, such as called her names about it and have called her worthless. She has also said quite horrible things like calling me a disgrace and saying I can't do anything right. I feel upset a lot of the time, but don't feel I want to show my weakness to her, so I tend to cry alone sometimes, whereas she will cry in front of me and then use it against me. She can be quite possessive at times, such as if she knew I was sending this, it would spawn another argument, even though I'm just trying to do something to sort this out. I feel she has a hold of my sexuality which I hate, because if I try to relieve myself sexually, this will also create more bad situations and just seems to push us even further apart.I know she loves me very much, and I love her too, and I just want to make things right, so any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (10 May 2009):
 You both need to sit down and agree that lots of changes are needed and that you will discuss them with no arguments. Use a conversation structure when you say what you have noticed about what she does, how it makes you feel and how the two of you can work together. So that she doesn't feel attacked you could slip in how you make the situation worse, just before how you both can work together to change. Repeat this structure, and tell your girlfriend about the structure too then she will be able to express her feelings in an organised manner. Alternatively, you could write each other letters, keep them simple and to the point and agree that for every bad point there must be a good point! Then read one letter at a time and take time to discuss things. I am in the same situation with my boyfriend at the minute, trouble is , he can't seem to realise that he is to blame too! Oh well, thank god for boyfriends like you! X it will take time and effort on both parts! The important thing is to keep conversation flowing, don't bottle things up. If you continue like this then tell your girlfriend how you feel and tell her that if things don't change the relationship will end, this may shock her into realising that she risks losing eveerything if she doesn't start to communicate effectively and stop arguing! X
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