A
male
age
36-40,
*reb
writes:I need help, or just looking for opinions on a topic that is bugging me. I have done searches but the best way is to ask my exact situation and get some peoples opinions.First, I am 22, she is 28. We met through mutual friends and went for a date 1 week after meeting. Since then it has been dates 2-3 times a week and we decided to start 'dating' mid October. So all in all we have been togeather for over 6 months. I have incredibly strong feelings for her. We both (and i believe both) have gotten over the age thing and have started to get really deep with our relationship. I know she has an issue with my age as far as thinking i may change what i like as i get older (refering to her past and how she changed). Her parents like me and my parents like her, we have the same life goals (financial, personal, house, career, etc) but arnt jumping on anything fast. My personality (thanks to my father) makes me a snooper and insecure about my own relationship (although i hate this and try not to ... it just happens). We went on vacation where at that time i can say i had fallen in love with her and had told her prior to going, where she took an extra couple weeks to tell me. I didnt pressure her into saying the words. While on vacation i expressed a concern that her past may bother me a bit ... she told me she had been with 15 guys... (my mental limit is 15-20) so she is at the top of my personal acceptance threshold. She told me she lost her verginity at 15 (13 years ago). I on the other hand have been with 3 (my first who i dated for 4.5 years, a one night stand turned booty call repeatitly). In her 15, 2 were booty calls and she had said the words love to 3 total (one was her first i believe, the other was a few years ago but said she never really meant it and me).I hate putting double standards up... i cant hold her to her one night stands because i had one my self... that repeated ... so booty call. I have an issue with her past but keep telling my self its a past and im with her now so it dosnt matter. I love her dearly but this seems to be the only thing bothering me.She has a casual friend for the past 14 years that they tried dating and the screwed around but didnt work out and decided that it was better to stay friends then date so the called it off. This guy wants to meet me sometime and i find that odd but they are friends. Here comes my snoopy part... i found out her password... so i hate this part about my self but i snooped... nothing in her current past bothered me but i found some emails from her first love and her back 5 years ago. She emailed a hi, he replied, she replied 'miss hanging out, and the sex, but that comes second, you still with that girl' (cutting out email extras), he said 'yea sex was great, which i could go again, yea im with XXXX still' she said 'yea sex was good' he said 'havnt had a bj from her and its been 6 months, think you could help me out and i could help you out' she said 'sure, bla bla bla' and they planned it outit bothers me because she allowed the cheating ... we have talked about cheating and its an absolute no no... either do it and its doneThing is its was 5+ years ago but it still bothers meshame on me for snooping but i cant help my personality ... i hate it but cant change it.I love her, and want to progress our relationship but just caught up on this. Words of wisdom... i really think she has changed.. that was durring the part of her life while she was in university and my thoughts are that the majority of the 15 guys were from that time.I am ... or am i overreacting
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): What she has done in the past is none of your business.
What she was, is irrelevant. It is what she is NOW that counts.
Has she at any point in your relationship made you think she could not be trusted?
I repeat. You have no business snooping. And if you continue to do so, you will not deserve her in any way.
Who she slept with, dated, loved in the past is not your concern. Only that she is with you at this moment and has done nothing to you to earn your distrust.
YOU are the problem here. Not her. Man up mate, and get over it you cowardly wuss.
Flynn 24
A
male
reader, freb +, writes (27 March 2010):
freb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe never cheated on the guy, she was single at the time... Yes she was flirting with the guy (i believe this to be the only other person she has 'loved' ... she only uses the term love is she means it) and he initiated it..
the issue is that she condoned him cheating... she never cheated but was the known mistress ... if she didnt know he had a girl (as in he lied) ... different story and sounds like a booty call... which i cant pick on because i had them too
i talked to her (no the snooping... i did it and i will deal with it... i need to use the restraint not to do it) but talked about self consciousness, she as well as most women dont like their body... i love hers and tell her that daily ... and a simple kiss from her or me touching her hips can send me into a daze... i have issues about my body hair, she said she has no issue with it ... same thing in the relation ship... she still has slight issues with the age and time will change it... i do as well ... if she seems like he is in an off mood (moody) i will automatically think its about the relationship... even when its clear is work stress or something
something that only time will cure ... useless comment from the one reader saying she would cheat on me... all used up... ill tell ya that she has the experience and know how and knows her way around ... but one of the best women i have ever been with ... nope .. is the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): Sure you can change your snooping. Don't give up just like that, or you will only continue to defend why you should be "allowed" to snoop, because you seemingly can't help it. Get a grip. Tell your girlfriend you are a snooper and ask her to show extra caution with hiding her passwords, because you would like to get rid of this bad habit of yours. But back to the main question. Why does her past bother you? I understand that it bothers you, but you have to find your personal reasons for why this bothers YOU, and not look for reasons why you should be bothered elsewhere. As in, don't listen to what others tell you or what others define as "whore" or whatever. Listen to your own reasons, and then tell us. Because I dont feel I can really help you with what you should do if you dont know why there is a problem. Does it grose you out? Are you scared she will cheat on you because you think she has in the past? Remember that you dont know the circumstances around the e-mail 5 years back. She could have been single at that time and innocently flirting. They might have never met up and she was just chatting along with it for laughs. Ultimately, her ex sounds like the one who cheated on his girl. And then again, yes it was 5 years ago and even if she did cheat then, people can learn from their mistakes, and remember that this information is her private information and not of your concern. You decided to snoop, but it was never meant for your eyes to see. What people say to one person is not the same as they would say to another. You dont tell your mother the same things you tell your best friends, not meaning you lie, but you just don't share every thought with every person. She is the same, and this e-mail was written long before you were in the picture. Besides, this e-mail does NOT describe how SHE was 5 years ago, it purely reflects the time when she wrote the e-mail, and not what she did after or before or the next day. You can't base her personality on one e-mail. But again, try to figure out why exactly this bothers you and work on that. Also talk to your girl about your snoopy-ness. For her, snooping might be a red-flag and a deal breaker, so before you get any sudden surprises (as in her dumping you) take the bull by its horns and confront your snooping.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): She will cheat on you also man trust me. She is 28 and used up, 15 guys thats a major whore true story
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