A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've seen a lot of questions on here about boys who can't seem to get over their girlfriend's past, but I can't get over my boyfriend's! First off, we have been dating for a little over 2 years. We started dating a little before I turned 18 and he had just turned 24, but we didn't have sex til I was legal. I have always viewed sex as something extremely special and personal to me and I always thought I would wait until marriage or at least save my virginity for the man I wanted to marry. As far as I know, that man was and still is my boyfriend. However, he has had sex with 9 people, including me. He lost his virginity when he was 16 to his 14 year old girlfriend (which also makes me feel sick, partially because she was a child and partially because they got to lose it together, what I always wanted) whom he dated til he was 18. They took a break, he had sex with another girl, they got back together and he told her about his fling, she cheated on him, and the relationship ended. My boyfriend gets very attached and it took him two years to get over his first girlfriend (two years of no sex). The third girl was his second girlfriend whom he dated for a little over a year, it ended badly, and then there were 5 more girls (including a threesome just a month before we got together) before we started dating.I ask way too many questions about it so I know all of their names and the order they happened in and what most of them look like and it just kills me to think about it. What makes matters worse is I just found out that the last 5, instead of spread out over two years like I thought, were actually all within 6 months before we got together. So now I am overwhelmed by the feeling that "if only I met him sooner I could be #4 instead of #9."I know that for a now 26 year old, 9 people is not bad at all for 10 years of sex, but I always felt sex was extremely special and the thought of my boyfriend, the only person I've really loved and want to spend my life with, giving away his body to any girl who would take it and fucking girls he didn't know, care about, or like, tears me apart. I've talked to him about it and he does feel really bad (he's said that he wishes he could understand how I felt), but neither of us can change anything, no matter how much I wish I could.There are some good things he's told me:* sex is the most special with me* he didn't get off in any of his one-night stands* he regrets them all but his actual relationships* he loves me more than his other girlfriends* he would go back and wait for me if he couldetc...I am not looking for any "the past is the past" answers, because both of us know that. I want to know if anyone else can relate to me and how you got over it. I keep feeling like I'm making him feel bad for things he did before he met me. I've brought up the idea that I should have sex with just one other person to kind of "make it even" in a sense, but it would hurt him too much and he would end the relationship. I'm just so tired of doing this to him and to myself and I want to get over it once and for all. If anyone can help I'd be greatly appreciative. Sorry I wrote a novel... Thank you
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female
reader, yellowrose89 +, writes (19 August 2010):
hey chick! i feel ur pain! im in the same boat.im 21 and my bf is 23...yet he is my 2nd and im his 10th. sex means a lot to me as well....and it doesnt to him, yet he tells me the same stuff ur bf tells u. last night for instance him, me and friends were all playing a drinking game in which u have to say 5 things u never did...(they almost all have something to do with sex) and i was sad and humiliated at how many things he has done. including things that i have asked him...and apparently he has lied about. i feel like i am not special when we have sex...which makes it hard for me to even do it in the first place. on top of all these feelings...he makes it worse by always telling sexual jokes and acting very immature. i feel like just another girl. i love him but these feelings of inadequacy on my part get so bad that sometimes i doubt if we can be together happily...without resentment and jealousy. my ex bf and i lost our virginity to eachother...and thought we would be together forever...but after a 5 yr relationship things fell apart and so when i got with my current bf...my mindset was to hold off on sex, but it didnt happen that way. :( also...my current bf up until i made a huge fuss about it...still talked to one of his ex flings...even while she talked bad about ME!!!!! isnt that horrible. god. i wouldve never done that to anyone. its like he doesnt think!!!! grrr. sorry im going on and on but this is a big subject in my loife right now. I wish i could erase everything i knew about him...
A
male
reader, jsb422 +, writes (12 April 2009):
I know just what you're going through, and let me say, I know it's not easy. But have heart, you can get past the past. I used to go over the minute of my girlfriends sexual history like a true glutton for punishment. No detail was too small, nothing was insignificant. I looked at the myspace pages of these cretins and felt a kind of sweet loathing. I wanted to personally castrate all of them. I felt like, if she could have sex with these losers, and it seemingly mean nothing to her, what was it that made me special? How could she have been so ambivalent with her body, the woman I loved?! But...here's how I got over it. I called her from work one day that I was feeling particularly bitter. I don't know exactly what the context of the conversation was, but probably involved me telling her I didn't feel like I was special in her eyes. I got home later that day and she was waiting for me with her suitcase. She said that she was going to go stay with her mother for a while. She said, tearfully, that she thought that it was the best thing because she couldn't take the strain of constantly confronting her past any longer, it was killing her. This was like a slap across the face. Instantly all my petty B.S. flew out the window and all I could think of was getting her to stay. I knew that she was doing her best all along, but it hadn't been enough for me. She couldn't make her past disappear, all she could do was make the best of the present with me. She stayed, and over the next several months it was very hard for me to refrain from my desire to bring up her past. I have to confess I brooded a little when by myself, visited her ex's myspace pages, etc. but I knew that if I wanted our relationship to succeed, I had to bury the bad feelings. I had to absolutely change the way I thought about things. She was with me now, not those other guys. She was just a person, and she was doing her best. I wish there was an easy answer I could give you, but, the truth is, YOU are the one who has to do all the dealing. You have to literally turn off the thoughts like you would a faucet. When you feel yourself starting to think of his past and start to feeling bad, you have to make yourself think of something good. reassure yourself with the knowledge that he is with you now, It's hard, I know. But hey, If I can do it, you can too. Good luck.
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