A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello:)Thanks in advance for your time:)I'm in a relationship, which is going well, and we are both in the same friendship group. All his guy mates, and all my girl mates are all mates! haha,but there is one problem.One of my girl mates, who I love dearly has quite a flirty personality with everyone, and she does like to be the one who always gets all the attention. I'll call her X. My other girl mates and I just aren't like that, but it has never mattered before, and I love herthen, as one of my best girl mates in the group was going through a rough time with her boyfriend, X stepped in, and ended up really close with that other girl's boyfriend, going round to each others houses etc, my friend was upset, but now they are broken up she is fine.Now, here's where I come in. All of a sudden I've got so paranoid over her and my boyfriend!! :( I hate it, everytime we go out if she's there, which she is, I can't relax or be myself, I seem to put myself down and think 'why don't I act like that? Why aren't I that confident?' and it is SO frustrating because it's one of my best friends, and I love her!Everytime she goes over and talks to my boyfriend, or giggles at what he says, I just feel upset!Thing is, I have actually spoken to him about it, he reassured me but now he just thinks I'm being silly if I go a little bit off.. and the hard part is I know I am!I need help! It feels a bit drastic saying this, but at this moment in my life... it is ruining it!!I tell myself that I'm feeling this way because I've seen X flirt with my best friends boyfriend, and she can get close to anyone she likes, maybe I'm scared she'll get close to my boyfriend?Me and my boyfriend have a fantastic relationship, we have a laugh, have the same interests and genuinely are an amazing couple. Why is this making me upset?Any advice would be perfect!!!! xxxx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (26 October 2012):
There are two sides to this. First, talk to the girl. Not in a blaming or accusing way, but just to express how you feel. That can be a pretty tough conversation but its worth having, if she can hear you out it will change how you feel and your relationships for the better. The other side is to contemplate deeply where these feelings come from, they are probably emotional responses that relate to things that you have responded to in a similar way in the past, that have helped shape who you are. This doesn't have to mean its shaped you in a bad way, its just an exercise in getting to know yourself better, how you respond emotionally in situations where you know there isn't really anything terribly wrong but something feels wrong.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 no one can be stolen... if they stray it's because THEY wanted to not because a particular person tempted them...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2012):
 You can't STEAL another person. If your BF chooses to leave you for her, there is nothing you can do. And in the same breath, if your BF loves you she can bat her eyelashes all day and not get him to leave you.
She didn't TRY to "steal" the other girl's BF, I think she tried to be a friend when they had a hard time. So most likely it wasn't BECAUSE of her they broke up. However if it was... I would not really appreciate having her in my circle of friends. Hitting on a friends BF is a HUGE no-no in my book, even if he is an ex.
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A
female
reader, Elza  +, writes (25 October 2012):
I'd say there are two possible behaviour patterns in this situation.1. Talk to the girl, not the boyfriend.In fact, try to talk with your boyfriend as less as possible about her being flirty/pretty and stuff, because...he might get even interested in this girl if you repetedly draw his attention to such qualities of hers.But you can bring this issue to the girl. Say smth like - I know we're friends, but I am serious about this guy, but sometimes it looks like you're flirting with him. I don't think it's appropriate. Smth like that. Of course there will be an argument and she'll act like she has no idea what you're talking about, but sometimes it's necessary to bring your point to such girls. Being polite and friendly is one thing, but flirting is a different thing - it is the WAY you listen, the WAY you giggle, the WAY you look at the person. And as this may affect guys easily, girls should mind their behaviour if they care about their other friends' relationship.2. Try to work on your own confidence - make up, hair do, dressing up, and trying to be polite and talkative with other guys, so that your boyfriend concentrates on admiring you and being worried himself that you're a confident thing and guys can get too interested.and a bonus way - saying some slightly mean things about the girl to your boyfriend now, not too often and not too obvious (and not too mean), but so he knows she definetly can't be his match (but don't lie) :)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 October 2012):
 Your bf cannot be "taken over" by someone if he was not open to the idea. So even if she goes over flirting and giggling and hair flipping, if your boyfriend is devoted to you he will be unphased. There will almost always be someone who could be potentially threatening to your relationship, a female coworker, a roommate, a friend, there's always someone who could try to steal away your boyfriend. But a boyfriend is not a laptop or something that can be picked up and carried, he can only be stolen if he wants to be.
if you trust your boyfriend and feel he is devoted to you, he will not do anything regardless of how flirtatious she is. My friend in college tried that on my boyfriend and he didn't even notice she was trying, let alone feel tempted.
This is a good exercise for your relationship. Since there will always be women in his life, it's good for you to go ahead and learn that just being around interested women won't make him cheat or behave oddly. I think most people go through this sort of feeling in their relationship where they suddenly notice other women could flirt with their boyfriends and it's nerve-wracking, but once you see nothing is going on hopefully you will be able to relax now and in the future.
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