A
female
age
51-59,
*edbird
writes:My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years and I now have come to a place in our marriage that I am not sure what to do next. I just recently caught him AGAIN watching porn and masturbating. I was so sick to my stomach and absolutly disgusted. Here is a bit of background on us. When we first got together we had sex all the time and he would ask me why do we have to have sex all of the time. It really kinda hurt my feelings and I didn't understand why. Well anyway, life went on. We then had sex sometimes, but not as offen as he would like. Just didn't seem to be able to please him either way. He was interested in porn videos and I didn't see anything wrong with them since we were watching them as a couple. We only watched then maybe 3 or 4 times. Well, we moved into a new house and got hooked up to the internet and that started a whole new story. He would stay up late at night playing "games" on the computer while I went to be early. After looking on the computer he was visiting porn sites and masturbating and lying about it. It would look me straight in the face and tell me that he didn' look at those, they must have been pop-ups. After looking into the history and showing him and several lies later her finally told me that his was looking at them. I was very angry, I got rid of the one porn that we did have. That was something that we would do as a couple, not alone. After we talked, he told me he would never do it again. But that was far from the truth, it was only the beginning. We didn't have cable hooked up downstairs, but you could get a fuzzy picture and sound. Well, guess what he found on there? You guessed it. He turned the volume down really low and sat up close to the tv and tried to watch and listen to it. I couldn't believe it, he was at it again. Caught him on the internet again looking at porn and well as on our regular tv when they had free weekends of showtime and hbo. He would always turn the tv down really really low and then when I would ask why the tv was turned down so low, he would say I turned it down so I could her you. One time I went downstairs to watch football with him (volume was down low) I didn't even expect anything, but instead he had some sex shows taped from showtime and he was watching them. I was just one room away. When I was down there, I had the computer on my lap and while I was looking down he tried to delete the 2 sex movies from the DVR, while I was sitting right there. He said he was going to watch them, masturbate and then delete them. He only told me because I caught him. I am not sure how much more I can take of this. I am ready to get out now. I know we haven't had much of a sex life lately but I have to say that I can't get over this to have a normal sex life again. Not when he just keeps doing it. I feel as though I am not good enough for him, plus I can't live up to the girls in the porns. Why doesn't he get that those are not how real life is?We really have been struggling lately, my father just passed away and it has been very hard on me. Just before he passed, my mom and dad renewed their vows, as well as my sister and her husband. They asked us and ...... this is what happened right before they asked us. I talked to him to see if he wanted to renew his vows with me and he made up all kinds of excuses why not to. Then he said "I'm not sure I want to be married to you now, let alone marry you again!" I was speechless to say the least. back to the story ....they asked us if we were going to renew our vows as well and I said "no" and he said "yes" I was speechless again. I didn't want to do it after he had told me that he didn't want to. The only reason he said we would renew our vows was because he didn't want to look bad in front of everyone. I really didn't want to do it at all, but my dad was very excited about both of his girls renewing their vows all together. I didn't want to ruin this day that was made for my dad, since he was dying. I would have never forgiven myself. Three months later he passed away. He loved this day and it was such a happy one for everyone, so I just made the best of it. I am so glad I didn't ruin it for him, he deserved this day.There as been many more problems and things happen, that I am not even sure what to do anymore. We have 2 children 7 and 9 and I am thinking of them first.Just last week I went to bed early and he stayed up with the kids and played PS3 with them. Then he put them to bed, but they never go straight to bed. They always get up and come downstairs with lots of things to ask. Well, right after he put them to bed he went downstairs and put a porn in the dvd player on the computer. He started to watch it and get into it, pants down and everything. All I heard was the kids, but I didn't hear him so I went downstairs and there he was trying to turn off the porn and pull his pants up at the same time. I couldn't believe it. The kids could have walked down there and saw that. That is a picture a can't get out of my head, I can't imagine if the kids would have seen that. He said "well I won't lie" and I said "you can't", but he would have if he could have. I am so tired of the lies, going behind my back and everything that goes with it. I am at the end of my rope. I want a regular relationship and everything that goes along with it. I know it won't be perfect, but it has to be much better than this. Right now we are just roommates with 2 kids, that hardly talk anymore. He has to stop or I am gone!!Please give me your input on this matter....Thanks.....
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female
reader, redbird +, writes (29 March 2010):
redbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the help. I will keep you all posted!!!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 The reason men lie is because women will leave them if they are honest about the amount of pornogrpahy they watch or the amount of times they masterbate.
Men don't want you to be porn queens, they want you to be you. Men can love you, lust after you, and also have no problem finding someone else sexy. Most of the time, men are not really lusting after the porn star on the video. She is just the vessel, they are more intrested in the sex that's happening (watching people have sex is forbidden usually) and enoying the sensation of their hand upon their dick. They don't prefer these video women, they don't all of a sudden think your fat or ugly.. Men don't work this way, they love you when your old, ugly, fat and grey. They fancy you anway, even when you feel old, ugly or fat. Physical imperfections bother women, men don't notice them much or they don't care.
I advise women and men to have a policy of "Don't tell, Don't ask, men hide your pornography, and women don't search to find it". This is the old way, this is what men have done for centuries, that's why your not aware about how much men masturbate or look at sexual things. You've had 16years of a good marriage, if he had told you these things before you would have been upset and you would have felt inadequate. That's why he hides and dosen't tell you. It's not a lie, it just didn't come up.
Men hide these things from women, out of respect, because they know women don't like it, because they don't want to give up something that gives them pleasure, because they know you will misunderstand, feel inadequate and cry.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 March 2010):
Sorry to push you so hard mrs wife, but it helps you think about things more seriously.
Please go and talk to your husband about all the things your feeling and about the things we've said. Tell him about your hopes for marriage, ask him if he's happy, tell him you don't like the weird stuff in bed, but tell him what you do like instead.. Try to find a way to get over this pornography thing together. We've told you what we think, probably this is how he thinks as well. I've provided links to pornography addiction sites, where there are people who can help you both to deal with stopping this.
You love him, he loves you... bottom line... the rest indeed is just noise. You don't like something, he dose, talk together, be honest, open your minds, try not to judge one another, try to find a way to live in happiness either with pornography or without it.
I wish you both the best... :)
PS: Would love if you could update your post after you and your husband have had this honest talk.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 "The whole truth never came out, so when do I really know what the truth is????
Tying to understand."
Good for you for trying to understand. That's a wonderful, important step.
Forgive me if I'm stating something obvious. And moreso if I'm challenging your conception of the world ...
Masturbation is a private thing. I don't know what percentage of married couples discuss it, but I suspect that, in North America, the number is small. I think that for most it's rather like a bathroom thing. Polite people don't discuss bowel movements. We know what goes on in the bathroom, but we certainly don't discuss it.
Polite people don't discuss masturbation, either. It's like a bowel movement -- it happens, it's normal, and not worth comment in polite society.
You seem to be surprised that he masturbates, whereas to him it's like moving his bowels. You're surprised that he's kept it from you, and to him it's simply not something to be discussed.
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A
female
reader, redbird +, writes (26 March 2010):
redbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell after reading what all everyone has to say, I am shocked by some and need to think more about others. There are all different kinds of people, that is for sure. I just wanted some other people advice on the whole thing that I am going through. I want to keep my marriage together of course, but I was just in shock and disappointed...I guess. I don't want to get back in the dating world, that is the farthest thing from my mind. I just want to have a good and happy relationship with my husband. I want to make him happy, but I also don't want to make me uncomfortable either. I will just have to try harder. As far as us watching porn together as a couple, it was something we tried together. I guess I feel that he is not happy with me and that is why he feels the need to watch it. Makes me feel really bad. I didn't find out that he had been masturbating our whole marriage until a week ago. This was something he had a problem with before we even met. We do try different things in bed and try different things, but I am not interested in the really weird stuff. That's all! I can't measure up to these women in these porn movies and I think that is what he expects. We do plan to try and work this out, but it will take both of us to get us where we want to be. We both want to be happy and set a good example for our children. I guess I am an old fashion kind of person, I don't know what else to say. You say you see why he lies to me about porn and masturbation, but he was doing it behind my back before I even knew anything to begin with. The one thing I cann't stand is for someone to lie to me. If we could talk it out and go from there, maybe that would help. But while I caught him lying to me, he was still lying to me. The whole truth never came out, so when do I really know what the truth is????Trying to understand..........----????-----
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A
male
reader, twistedelm +, writes (26 March 2010):
Right near my condo is a ladys house. This woman is quite attractive and smart. By day she works in a publishing office. And at night shes with her boyfriend-in fact they meet every other day. I am bringing this up to show the slow thinkers that there are all types of relationships in the world. One size doesnt fit all. If you dont like something with sex--dont do it. And stop complaining about it. Try to say something positive instead. If I mocked anyone Im sorry-I just get so sick of the noise.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
"He wants to do all this weird stuff and I am not into all of that."
What is all this weird stuff that he wants to do? Lady I hope your not still in the missionary position, thinking that's all there is to sex. Men in relationships like this get very unhappy and sometimes look elsewhere.
Anyway, your views are very extreme. But there are women out there like you. I do not believe your husband has any type of sexual addiction, I think he's a normal sexual man. But these groups will help you if you and he are planning to remove pornography and masturbation from your marriage. (as far as I'm concerned it's unnatural to do this and it usually dosen't work)
http://newlifehabits.com/
http://www.no-porn.com/index.php
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (25 March 2010):
"I guess I thought men only masturbated when they didn't have anyone or were perverted"
Oh my. I thought I sensed that view when I first read your question, but chose not to go there. I have to say I'm surprised -- I haven't heard anyone express that attitude for some time.
Of the people I've been acquainted with over the years I'm only aware of two men who said they didn't masturbate. One was so loud about it that he seemed to be "protesting too much", and subsequent events suggested to me that he had no credibility at all. The other was sexually abused as a child; he did not say he "didn't" do it, he said he "couldn't", which I quite believe.
Other than those two, some have been open about it and some coy, but it's quite understood that masturbation is part of their lives. Does it replace sex? Certainly not -- not in any relationship that's even approaching healthy. By the same token, sex doesn't replace masturbation, particularly in a long-term relationship. Why? Because to assist most women to a satisfactory sexual experience requires considerable time and effort. Don't get me wrong -- it's worth the effort, it's a wonderfully satisfying & gratifying thing, and when it goes well it's much better than masturbation.
But in any relationship I'm aware of that's gone on more that a dozen or so years, it's not going to happen every day or every week (or sometimes even every month). And in the meantime, most men can have an adequate sexual experience alone in under 5 minutes.
When I was a teenager back in the 1970s, for the most part masturbation was considered to be wrong at best, disgusting at worst, and shameful in any context -- about how you seem to feel about it. So we all lied about it. Confronted with your attitude toward it, I'm hardly surprised your husband lies too. But wishing it away won't make it happen -- in lots of people, and I think in most men, it's just hard-wired.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
If you think that your husband is strange, you'll be surprised by the men you meet after you get your divorce.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
"I guess I thought men only masturbated when they didn't have anyone or were perverted"
A large percentage of men masturbate, I think the majority do. Men think about sex an awful lot. Priest, Teachers, married men, children, all males masturbate as soon as they find they have a penis. If you think that this behaviour is perverted you force your man to hide away. If you have boy children and you teach them to be ashamed of their body and sexuality you will cause them to have anxiety over sex.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 Maybe this book may help you to understand more about porn.
The Porn Trap
By Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST, and Larry Maltz LCSW
reference;-
http://www.healthysex.com/books.php
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 March 2010):
You need to think if single parenting is better than double parents and whether you will be able to stand up to the rigours of a one parent family.
Will it be fair to the children that their dad is removed from their care ?
I hope you can resolve your differences amicably but if you are very unhappy with the situation and he cannot change his attitude and ways and you won't give way ,there is no hope in this marriage.
Divorce is a dark, long and lonely road.
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A
female
reader, redbird +, writes (25 March 2010):
redbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo celiaaletta.....
He has come into the room and surprised me while I'm on the internet or watching TV, I have nothing to hide, so there is nothing to find. Why would I be so upset that he was doing it if I was doing it myself? That makes no sense at all. I can't even believe you suggested such a thing.
My thoughts have changed a lot since the 10 years ago when we watched that porn video together. That was in the past and is done and over with, but I guess it is something he has continued to do from that day on.
We have much more important things we need to be thinking about!!
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A
female
reader, redbird +, writes (25 March 2010):
redbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Laura1318.... Yes, I completely understand what you are saying and I have thought about that. Right now I have no thought about any other man, I just have my kids best interest at heart. That is what my focus has always been. It has been very hard for me to forgive, if you have any suggestions or any good books to read that would help that would be great. Thanks...
To Miamine.... It was okay for us to watch the porn video together as a couple, because it was something different. But once I found out that it was something he did on his own without me, it made me feel worthless and really bad about myself. That is why we only watch it a few times together. He took it way to far. I would like to have sex with him, but I feel like I have to live up to all of these women that he is watching in these movies. He wants to do all this weird stuff and I am not into all of that. I am hurt by what he has done and I want to get over it, but I am not sure if and when to believe him. Plus he has to stop. I guess I thought men only masturbated when they didn't have anyone or were perverted. I just don't like it at all. Thanks for your input.
I completely agree that you have to have trust in a marriage. I used to trust him, but since I have caught him in so many lies I just can't trust him anymore. I never know when he is telling me the truth. It took a long time to get him to go to counselling, but he finally went. Then he told lies the whole time we were there. That did us no good at all. Most people we are around don't know we have any problems at all, we both put on a good front in front of friends and family members. It is a different story when we are home alone by ourselves, we hardly talk at all. I am not sure I want the rest of my life to be like this. My mind is in over drive!!
Thanks everyone.....
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 March 2010):
You have a very high expectations from your man and his inability to matched your expectations is a big disappointment to you .
If you cannot lower your expectations and live with him as to who he is , there is only one road to travel, divorce.
You may find another man but are you sure the next man will not go the same way as the first, lies, porns and masturbation's ?
The world is like a facade. What lies behind the facade only he knows. Some can hide their vices better while others are too obvious and don't give a damned.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
"No, I really don't want to have sex with him"... this will encourage him to reach for the porn, a man needs sex to stay mentally healthy.
Marriage guidance or divorce seems to be the only way.
mmmm... why isn't he allowed to masturbate? Why is it OK to look at pornography when you do it together?
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 One question that makes me scratch my head - innapropriate time and place aside (not good with kids as a potential intrusion) why is it ok for him to look at these same women on porn with you, ...but not ok to look at them without you?
I mean, they are still women on porn, he could still be thinking about them instead of you whether in your presence or not. I don't get it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): You are not alone,
i recently found got access to my husbands emails and found pictures of naked women; i was shocked, disgusted, outraged; at the same time i felt like crap and wanted nothing to do with him. he said these pictures were emailed to him by his male friend and did not even see them. bullshit. i have never doubted him before.
i do not trust him not only because of that there are other issues; but anyway i have
asked for changes and have access to his emails.i have asked him to cancel the internet access to his phone.
he stated; i need my privacy.
he has proven that he cannot be trusted and so we are on a rocky relationship right now.
i too have said we are like roomates; i have accepted that our marriage may end is in the sense that he is not trying with me maybe because of his feelings;
but he has promised me to change; when i see it i will beleive it; otherwise
i have made plans to move on.
i believe you need trust if it is not there then you cannot have go on.
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A
female
reader, redbird +, writes (25 March 2010):
redbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I really don't want to have sex with him. Know that he has all of the other thoughts in his head.
Plus, he just told me a week ago that he has been masturbating our entire marriage and even way before we got married. So I have a hard time believing that he will ever stop now.
We have been to counselling... and he lied there the entire time and then blamed me for not doing anything that the counselor told us to do.
He also told me that at least he is not cheating on me, but as much as he is lying to me.... how am I to know the REAL truth.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (25 March 2010):
You seem disappointed that your relationship isn't close anymore, and I presume that you would like more intimacy. After his comment about the vows, do you want that intimacy with him?
Certainly masturbating to porn when you have a willing and neglected woman is poor behaviour. Have you suggested marriage counselling? From the way you describe things, he ought to have figured out that you're unhappy, but he may be particularly dense. He's clearly not entirely happy, either. Perhaps a neutral third party can help you sort things out. But if you're both feeling like it's done, a parting of the ways may be the best thing.
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