A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 43, hubby is 65 -- and we have been happily married 10 years. My husband has an only son, very mature and intelligent, age 30. My husband always accommodates and is deferential his son (who has never asked anything ridiculous) and has made it clear to me that the son's requests will always be given first priority. Happily the son is mature and polite, but he has no idea how much pull he has with his dad. [ I say "the son" for ease of writing, not for being aloof ]The son is always polite to me, however, I feel left out because I do not have any real shared "platforms" to communicate or share in the way he and his Dad do - weight lifting feats of strength, running his own business as Dad does, being a man, both are highly successful in their network of friends and helping others in 12 step groups. They call each other and text each other once or twice daily, and always want introduce their friends to each other, further cementing and perpetuating the close bond. When I hear them share the term "pardner", and "number 1" It hurts because the son never refers to me that way, or any special way. He is polite and gives hugs to me -- like he does to every one else. I am not looking to be equal or to replace his relationship with his dad. The relationship between he and his dad is wonderful, and so it is something I wish I could have a greater share in. In other words, I will always be the low man on the totem pole. Whenever he gets married or has children of his own, they will be closer -- in other words, I will never be bonded by blood, and I won't be worth much to him - will fall last. I don't feel I can discuss it with him because that would put him on the spot. Expressing what I feel would only serve to admit vulnerability. What can I do? After 10 years of knowing the son, one would think we would be closer, but not really - I just know him a little better. I cannot manufacture such a relationship. I am sensitive to being left out because growing up my older brother never was friendly to me, I never had many friends, and our family atmosphere was always tense. In my life I have moved often and never established long term, close friends. I feel sad and wish I had more really close relationships beyond just my husband.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): Hello. You say your brother wasnt close and family life was tense when you were growing up. So youve not had much of a bench mark when it comes to family life or belated parenting skills. Added to this, your husbands reluctance to "share" is causing a problem. Its best to speak to your husband, rather than your stepson. If he can be made to understand how you feel then he might change some of his habits and bring you into their little circle.
I do know how you feel. My partner has 4 children. Away from them hes a dream partner, attentive in the extreme and very loving. Around his children he is a different man. I think my case may be more extreme than yours but along the same lines. My partner makes it very obvious to me and them exactly where i fit in. Right at the bottom of the pole! I am the unpaid help when the children are around....then the love of his life when they go home. Strange behaviour but as someone here said. Sometimes single parents dont like to share. You really need to speak to your husband as he is the one thats flaunting the love for his son in your face. He needs to learn its ok to share his love between you both. Then when you feel more comfortable about your place with them, you can start having a more dominant role as his stepmother.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): That sounds like your husband's job. He should have made sure he gave you and your stepson enough space to develop such a bond. He should have made the woman in his life feel special. In 10 years, the son could have joined his father in making the lady feel cherished.
Instead, he chose to make it a competition - "his son will be number one."
It's not about you. Please don't feel bad. I would recommend that you, in the long term, develop something exclusive for you. It could be a charity, it could be a cat which is yours. It could a hobby that you understand. It could be a sponsored child in another country or it could be a close friend or relative.
The other choice is to develop a bond. Do you buy him things for his birthday? Can you make special occasion traditions (like always baking him a cake or getting him mementoes when you go out). You can ask him to run errands for you. You don't have to feel bad because your husband clearly flaunts his child. You can create a differnt bond, if the son is willing. But it could be that they are dealing with their emotional messes via you.
Be prepared that some single parents are very, very selfish and reluctant to share their child with their new mates. They already compete with the other parent and adding you to the equation simply adds to that competition.
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