A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well this is going to be long. So plz take the time to read cuz I need some serious help. And be open minded its a complicated situation and last time I posted about it I acually had someone laugh in my face. So if u could plz not laugh about it and don't plz give caring advice. Okay....I'm having a mental break down. I'll start fron the beginning. I met this guy..last feb. We clicked immediatly and I'm very picky w men. But we fell for each other fast and it was an instant connection. He was seeing someone when we first met but he ended it for many reasons. We started spending every day together and we talked about everything I felt like I've known him forever and he felt the same way. We felt met for eachother. It happened fast but he explained to me he was legally married. He told me early on like the first week I met him but it wasn't to his gf he broke up w. It was another women. They were seperated for a year but his family is very religiouse and his mother basically told him if he got a divorce she would never speak to him again. And him and his mother are very close she means the world to him. So he planned on getting the legal divorce but had to tell his mother first and he was going to soon and he wanted me to meet her. So I went to his mother house and met her and had dinner it was nice. But she told him she knows him and his wife are having problems but she hopes he will find it in his heart to take her back for his own sake or he will go to hell. It was very mean of her and I couldn't believe it. Well about a week later we had sex for the first time. We were seeing each other for about 2 months at this point and it was amazing. About a week after that he went on vacation to visit family. The night before he was going to come home he was at a dinner and got shot in the head by a stranger. I got the phone call from his cousin in the morning and I told him I was on my way. He said to wait because his mom only wanted family down ther but I insisted that if he didn't make it I wouldn't be able to handle not being ther for him. So they said I could come down and I did I didn't pack or anything and I was already in the car w a friend so she drove me ther. She knew how I felt about him and we all hung out. All the time. Well when I got down there his wife was there. I couldn't believe it when she introduced herself. And his family thought I was just a friend for the reasons I explained already. But they knew about the brake up between him and her from a year ago. Then she starts saying me and R... have had problems but were working them out and I'm hear for him now. But she could tell I was more then a friend and she would say theese things to me the whole time I was ther for him. And then he woke up and he couldn't talk or move but he could open his eyes. The first time he looked at me I was crying and he started balling. He never cried since he was awake he didn't show any emotion but the day I left him he balled ill never forget it I felt like crawling in a hole and dieing. I couldn't bare to see him like that. Well when he recovered he didn't remember a lot from the past year he didn't remember his gf before me or mike jackson dieing or basically anything. But he remember who I was. But his wife told him they were together and his mom went along w it. I couldn't belive it but id didn't kno what to do I couldn't move down ther while he was in recovery for months and months but his wife did. And now there together and we still talk and he is slow now because of the accident and he ll never be who he was. I feel like he was ripped out of my hands and I can't handle still to this day. I've never in my life cried so long or hard over anything. Ever since the accident I haven't cried unless I thought about him and what happend. I find it hard to get out of bed or love again. I've tried being w soemone else and I didn't feel anything. I tried talking to other guys and I'm just not interested. I kno I need seriouse help but I don't have money for that should I go to a dr and see if I'm depressed? I don't have a family dr so who would I see. What is wrong with me I don't kno how to handle all this and how to get theese images of his swollen head and ivs and everything out of my head. It has had a big effect on who I am. I don't have any faith anymore. I just want to be who I was before. How do people get over things like this. I kno this kind of this doesn't happen to everyone and I kno the whole thing is crazy and hetic and confusing but I need advice on where to go from here. And I want his wife to tell him the truth. I tried and he just says he doesn't remember I want him to hear it from her. I kno its unlikly but she's horrible for doing this to him and I can't stand it. Plz help any advice on how to get help for how I'm feeling and just what to do??
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 December 2010):
 if you were not deeply affected by grief and pain i would be surprised. You are grieving for what you had and what you lost and the dreams spoken and unspoken that the two of you were just starting to visualise together.
It is not the same as if he had died. If anything i think it is worse. Because he is still tantalisingly close, but unreachable. Because his wife and his mother are in control and can decide all that happens to him. And his mother is a very close ally of his wife. So access to him, by you, is probably impossible. And now he is on a long road to recovery, it may take several years. You would of course want him to get better, and have all the physio therapy and medical support, and possibly psychological support to get better. Medical advances today are amazing, and who knows, he may fully regain his health to be the man you love. But there is no guarantee of that.
Anyone would feel it understandable for
you to feel depressed. And you must feel such an aching void in your heart. Can you look up medical doctors in your area and ask if they will consider taking you on as a new patient? The sort of medication you need for depression needs to be provided on authority of a doctor. I am more concerned about how you will address the possibility that his wife and his mother will be able to shield you from seeing him all those years he is recovering.
It's not fair to you, but under law his wife and his mother do have the upper hand to decide what happens with his care, who can see him. They can, and probably will exclude you. I know this is terrible. Tragic things do happen in life. That problem is not the problem. The real issue is how well each one of us adapt and be flexible to cope with each problem put in our path.
His wife and his mother are not your friends. They also are bearing a big burden. But they also do not have to provide you with answers, nor do they have any vested interested in helping you feel better. You cannot rely on them doing anything to assist you to cope with this tragic situation. Don't demean yourself by asking them for support or by asking them to tell your love anything. You will only feel worse when they refuse you. They are not there to help you recover and i sense that they do not care about how you are feeling.
I wonder if it was like this for people in WWII?
Possibly how it must have felt for people in the 1939 to 1945 period of War, knowing their loved ones were possibly in a concentration camp or somewhere else, maybe sick or recovering, but not contactable.
I know it must be the most terrible tragic burden for you to endure.
There is an alternative, for he did get great joy from your company. It is by looking at the situation from different eyes. If it was he who was single and you were married. And you were very sick and had a controlling spouse and mother. And if it were you who had lost your memory. And it was he, unknown to you, who was trying desperately to see you, and hoping desperately to be with you? A situation where there was absolutely no way he could see you? What would you recommend for this?
Would you recommend that he was deserving of happiness? Would you be loving enough to want in your heart (if you knew what was happening) that you would encourage him to be set free to find happiness, even if it was not with you?
If he had that understanding of the current situation, and the power to fix, it then i think he most lovingly woulld want you to rebuild your life. You can have him in your heart, but not to the extent that it stops you from enjoying every part of the future. In the articles section of this site you will see my article on bereavement. Though i do believe your situation is much worse. You dont have some of the supports i had, like the most wonderful wise mother in law in the world to help me get through it. Though when i lost him there were less free sites on the internet that can give advice.
And i do think you need to talk things over with a trained professional so you can go forward. Grief can be grief at losing something. A job, a child, a relationship. Right now it does look as if you have lost the company of this man who is so dear to you. Maybe look around to see if there is a bereavement /grief support group.. Some years down the track you may even like to name one of your children after his name. I never thought i would emerge from how i felt when my first husband died. I cried every night for a year, as softly as possible into my pillow so that my little child would not hear. But i did eventually emerge stronger and more capable. And amazing doors have opened for me since. I am no longer the same person as i was when he died. But i think i grew more as a person as a result of losing him. Sounds impossible, but huge challenges do make you so much stronger, once you emerge from the pain. And it will take a real effort on your part to focus on even the smallest positive thing, every single day, that happens in your life. Also you could go on the internet and find any free sites you can to Google, for example input ''sad depression blue help support free'' and see what comes up to help you with free support.
If you were the one hurt, and it was other close relatives of yours putting up an inpenetrable barrier between you and him? And you were very ill and unable to recall, and unable to deal with the situation? Then what you want him to do?
You loved him so much. And if the boot was on the other foot, and it was you who was as ill as he is now, i think you would want him to let go, and go seek the happiness he deserves. He would resist of course, but i think your heart would sing if you saw him making the effort to cope with the situation. If he ever fully recovers and meets you ever again imagine his joy to be introduced to a little baby bearing his name? He would know, even if you had married and had children, that you never stopped loving him. It's a big ask to suggest you will ever start to rebuild your life, but you can only do it one step at a time. The human mind and body is often so much more resilient than we realise. Please come back to this site any time you need more answers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Some things in life happen for reasons that we cannot comprehend. They seem unfair and even worse... they may appear random and confusing. Sometimes they can be downright heartbreaking.
You know deep down in your heart that you have to let go of this and say goodbye to him. You may not be able to say goodbye in person, but say goodbye to him in your heart and wish him well. His life is complicated with people and situations that on the surface seem unfair and confusing to you. However, it is his life and it is his to live according to his own terms. His injury is very sad for both him and for you... as well as his loved ones.
His wife returned and they are together. If you love him, set him free. Sometimes saying goodbye is difficult because we love someone, however sometimes it is love and love alone that gives us the strength to do what is right.
Is it 'right' that he is with his wife because of a brain injury? No. However, despite everything... his new reality is different because he doesn't have the memories. He doesn't know or understand and may not have the capacity to do anything about it.
Your relationship will have to take the back seat to his needs right now. This is an act of love and sacrifice on your part. You have to give up what you want and need so that he can sort things out and become well again. He was cruelly harmed by someone. Wish him well in your prayers every day. Send him strength. Send him love.
I had someone commit suicide using a shotgun several feet away from me when I broke it off with him and demanded he move out. It took me quite a while to get myself back again because of the trauma. I had so much to process and to try and learn to live with. At first, I could not imagine how I was supposed to live alongside of this horrible experience I could not imagine how I could ever be 'normal' again ... I so desperately wanted to be who I used to be before it all happened. The anxiety attacks, inability to sleep and nightmares were exhausting.
But something happened. Over time, I healed. I was never the me I was before.. but somehow I became more than I was. I had to become 'more' in order to heal and to deal. So I was changed in a way, but I made the choice to change for the better and I was very mindful about that. I wouldn't allow myself to fall into an abyss. I worked diligently not to lose myself in fear and grief. My faith increased exponentially because with all of the craziness happening around me I knew, with certainty, that my faith was the one thing inside of me that would see me through.
And it did. Life is a process and there is an ebb and flow in all things. Sometimes things do not last... and while we may not be able to understand why they don't.... we must accept it. As much as we would like to make things turn out a certain way, sometimes they just don't. So, our challenge is to find a way to emerge. I did that through my faith in the heavenly father.
This journey called life is a journey. Someday, many years from now... you may look upon this situation with a new perspective. You may find that you can look upon it with wisdom and with a sense of peace. He was ripped out of your life in a nanosecond. He survived what could have been a fatal injury and has returned to his wife and family. Be grateful that he is alive and pray for him. Pray that his life finds him well and that it grants him peace... and let him go.
In time you may discover that you no longer are concerned with what you lost... and you become more concerned with what you do have... and that is gaining the ability to love someone even if they cannot give you anything in return.... But you know... that the greatest act of love can be in letting them go.
Wish him well.
I wish you well. Godspeed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): You have suffered a major trauma in your life. The situation was a bit complicated before the shooting but now I think you have to accept that this is almost like a death to grieve. With his head injury he may well lost a lot of what happened in the past in detail. Don't expect to bounce back from this quickly, allow yourself time to grieve what you feel you have lost. So take time, be kind to yourself. Don't go out trying to find someone to replace him in your heart yet, you will only compare.Just accept what has happened and let yourself, in time move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Try to see him again and talk to him face to face. It might help remove the pictures you have in your mind of him in hospital. For all you know, they were talking over their problems in hopes of getting back together or bringing closure. It happens. Hard as it seems it could be the case with him. He remembered you, he would have remembered being with you. But he chose to go home with his wife. You werent able to move down and be with him, yet she did. So there must still be love between them. As for counselling. Some counselling services will provide sessions for a small charge thats agreed beforehand with you. Try some research online as there will be a service like that in your area.
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