A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I need some help here and I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, at 41 I have truly fallen in love. I wasn't looking and a mutual friend thought we would like each other. So 6 months ago I met this wonderful women. We connected instantly and for the past 6 months our relationship was humming along quite beautifully. By the way it took me 41 years because I have had an attachment disorder and through months of therapy, I finally figured out how to connect my heart and head. We've even talked about marriage.Two weeks ago we went to Boston see a baseball game and when we got back things seemed different. She told me she needs me to be patient with her but she needed to work some things out. I know this woman very well and over the past week I finally got out of her that someone saw us on facebook, supposely she says the one that got away 15 years ago. He is in the process of getting a divorce and will do anything to have her back in his life. He has told her he will not lose her to me. She admitted to me that he may be the love of her life but I am the man of her dreams. We used to text all the time, have gone on vacation together, helped her buy a house and have been together almost every day since November 08.I love this woman dearly. She told me she loves me but neither one of us are sleeping. She does not stay in contact as much now and I feel like I am losing her. I have been very open and honest about my feelings and she has stated she has to make an impossible decision. She told me when we were first together that if she was upset, hurt or mad and started to run, that I should chase her, not let her go. She has been let down quite a bit by many men in her life, I know she has abandonment issues and she does not trust. I have reassured her I am not those other guys and every day I tell her I am here for her. I tell her how much I love, adore, and need her. My delimina is for the first time, my heart is breaking and I dont know how to deal with it. I cant eat, sleep or focus on anything. My tendency is to fight for her and prove to her that i am not like the guys in the past. I beleive we are worth figthing for. I tell her I am here to support her but that she needs to make a decision. I have three options as I see it. Leave her surely knowing I am no different then all the others and have my heart broke, Stick it out and just support her without discussing it and hope that she realizes how insane this sounds, or press the issue for a decision. I'm in agony, because of my attachment disorder, I believe this is the first time my heart is breaking. I know what she needs emotionally, I committed to her verbally and I'm ready to fight for her for the rest of my life if need be. What should I do. Give her a time table, continue to fight for her knowing I could lose her anyway, or walk away from the love of my life giving her an easy way out and start the healing process I know is going to tear me apart.
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female
reader, sbarr10 +, writes (21 May 2009):
Above all, you have to stand up for yourself and not tolerate disrespectful behavior on her part. Do not try to be a convincer or a persuader, the more you do that, the more she'll think she'll be able to have her cake and eat it too.
Don't be a doormat and tolerate her trying to two-time you. If it comes right down to it, it's better to leave, discontinue communication and leave her with the agony of what she's missed out with you.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 May 2009):
 Well lets look at a few things....honestly.
1) This guy connected with her on FB. Strike One
That means regardless of how you feel, they WILL be keeping in contact. This guy has thrown down the Gauntlet by stressing to your GF that he will not lose her to YOU. which means that whether you like it or not, whether she is honest with you or not, that he will be working on her on a daily basis.
2) She has a history with this guy, and she is remembering it fondly. Strike Two.
This means that this guy will keep appealing to her sense of nostalgia that they are meant to be together. This will continue as you can't be a hall monitor. and he will eventually break her down. He already is.
3) This revelation comes with the full knowledge by her that you have these trust issues. She is drowning these out by the tug on her heartstrings. Strike Three.
It will not matter what you say. She will have constant access to this guy. She will listen to him. He wont stop.
By her stating she has to make an impossible decision...you have already lost half the battle right there.
Next she will say she is confused. Then she wants space, then time to sort things out. The old excuses that are tried with each passing generation.
If you are dealing with issues such a nuclear war, time to sort things out is good for all involved.
But when it comes as a relationship is barely off the ground, and coupled with the introduction of the new guy in town, it's a recipe for disaster.
You can stay and fight for her, but now this guy will always be there. Do you want to continue with someone who will ultimately sabotage your recovery?
I speak and give honest advice because you are in a no-win situation. I'm sorry if this is not what you had hoped for, but you can't fight this attatchment. It will continue.
So make the decision for her. Simply say that under the current circumstances, you are not getting any younger, and can not afford to wait around for someone else to make a decision about YOUR future.
Then move on. Let her upcoming issues(they will show up sooner rather than later) be this guy's problem.
Don't be a booby prize!
Please feel free to PM me if you have anything else to add. I happily give help to those who deserve it.
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