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female
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anonymous
writes: hi, I'll get straight 2 the point, when I was eighteen i was in a relationship with this guy who was really bad at taking no 4 an answer (he would carry on at me til i gave in cause i wanted 2 go 2 sleep or stop being kept on at) and he would do what he wanted. I wanted 2 try 2 have sex with him but changed my mind and it took 3-4 attempts at saying no before he stopped. basically, what i want 2 know is, is what he did 2 me abuse or was he just pushing his luck? I am nearly 21 now and have barely had any sexual intteractions (only when im drunk) and im still a virgin cause im worried if i say no the bloke im with wont stop. I'm sorry if i have wasted your time.
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 October 2006):
 Well if your still a virgin at 21 then evidently He DID stop...so he did not Do whatever he wanted. He stopped. He did not rape you or hold you down and force you...and he did not Have sex with you after you said no...thus you are still a virgin. So in MY opinion he was just trying to get you as excited as he was so you would not WANT to say no...and once he saw that was not happening...he quit.
But you are certainly not wasting anyones time...You feel he went further than you were ready to accept and now you are afraid....just because it is not legal abuse...does not mean you have not been bruised or betrayed in you own mind and it does not mean your feelings are not VALID. However, by the same token....those who want to BE A VICTIM can always find something to feel victimised by. I think of the people who claimed to be victims of a fast food joint for making them fat....like someone forced fed them 8000 calories a day for three years. At some point we have to Take responsibility for our actions. If you are getting Drunk and playing with boys....You are asking for trouble. THAT DOES NOT mean that you Deserve to be Raped...I am in NO way saying that. What I am saying is that WE (boys and girls) Do not make good decisions when alcohol is involved and therefore you are putting yourself into a situation that could hurt you....so stop Doing that. Recognise that when you put yourself in Danger....Dangerous things CAN AND DO happen....not every time....but some times....if you don't want to play the odds....Don't buy into the game.
You are NOT strange...stupid...unattractive or DAMAGED just because you are still a virgin. YOU are Smart...you have not met a boy worth your time and have not tossed your virginity away on a whim...So what...good for you.
See those fear instincts are there to protect you....yours have been triggered to be a little exaggerated at this stage maybe....but guess what....There will be a guy who you DON'T want to STOP. It may be your husband...I know that's old fashioned....but there is not one thing wrong with it. Now as far as the boy not stopping when you asked him to.....if you are with someone you don't trust 100000000%.....then don't go out with him...and if he takes more liberties than you are comfortable with...DONT GO ON ANOTHER DATE. It is your body and you OWN it. And DONT DRINK...Booze will not make you more compatible....and it will never make a man MORE of a gentleman. Smile....Your fine. There must be someone absolutely amazing for you right around the corner....Don't take the next bus just for fear he won't find you.
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