A
female
age
,
*icky speirs
writes:My partner of 11 years has never divorced his wife despite me asking and asking. We used to live together and he maintained that he was doing me a favour not divorcing as if he divorced his wife then he would be entitled to half my assets. We fell out about 2 years ago and he moved back to his marital home because he was unemployed at the time and had nowhere to go. He insists that there is no relationship between him and his wife and I actually believe him. He is a taxi driver now and his working hours are when she would be at home and he spends his time off mostly with me.As far as I can gather, they are ships that pass in the night so to speak.He also says that if he divorced her, this would force the sale of their home and they couldn't afford to buy a property each out of the proceeds. It is the divorce issue that bothers me. It shows no commitment to me. Ideally we would live separately and see each other socially but I am uncomfortable with him living and being married to his wife. I would be much happier if he were divorced even although they did live together. I honestly do not think there is any relationship between them.We are both in our late 50s.Are his arguments correct and what do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007): I think Dr Pete has hit the nail on the head; your partner wants an easy life and doesnt want to face the confrontation of bringing up the divorce idea. Also if he is benefitting in his assets then that is a fair enough reason (to him) to support his confrontation-averse attitude. His wife seems like a bossy b*tch so confronting her would be scary especially since she has brainwashed her (and your partners)daughter so she is another 'asset' that would be in the firing line. However this is a pathetic excuse to avoid confrontation; you alone should be worth the confrontation and his daughter is grown up and able to make her own decisions anyway. She'd probably be happy if her dad moved out and she could get everything her own way again! Also it's probably a bit disturbing to her that her parents are living together when there has been no love in their relationship for years- a bit of a strange arrangement really.
Stand your ground and enjoy your life without him- it's about time he took the initiative to tackle issues.
Good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Agreed with the other Aunts. How is he doing 'you' a favor by not divorcing his wife? I don't understand his rationale and you likely, don't either. In a nutshell he's found an excuse (not a viable reason) to remain married and and unavailable to you. This could carry on another 20 years, hun or until one them passes on. Yikes, what a waste for you!
So on that note...I have to state his argument is weak. He is not committed and I don't blame you for feeling this way. It doesn't matter if he and his wife are just 'ships passing in the night'. You have a man who has a long standing set pattern of comfort in his life and he's finds absolutely no need to divorce. One would think that 'you' alone, would be a good reason to divorce his wife. But he's proven that not the case, to you for 11 years now. So why are you tolerating this and finally starting to question, now? This is the reason, I always like recommend to people to never date a separated person until the divorce papers are signed.
Al lot of couples divorce every day and split the assets and they move on. That is just par for the course. You want to spend your future with this man but at best, you need a man who is willing and ready to fully commit to you. Change is always a big possibility, but it's never possible without the will to change. So your complaints and concerns will not change the way he views committment to you. He has known what he has to do, all along.. He's just chosen not to do it. You have been a very accomodating woman who has let her self become a bit exploitable because you have forgotten to set big relationship boundaries with him, right out of the starting gate.. I don't know if after 11 years you can suddenly change his mind about his divorce. But remaining true to him while he doesn't take care of his marriage 'issues' will only serve to further make you feel insignificant, disrespected and frustrated. You have a choice: 1) You can tell him it's time to get that divorce and he has to make a life with you Or 2) you can just accept that his marriage status will never change and tell him, you're through and you are moving on..to greener pastures.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 I agree with Dr. Pete - you are the only one of the three that seems unhappy with the current arrangement.
You made a choice, and these are the consequences. If you don't like the arrangement, then your measure of control lies in your option to walk away.
So, as it always has been over the past 11 years, it's up to you to make a different choice. Do you want all of him or part of him?
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 So you are "uncomfortable" with his living with and being married to his wife, yeah that would bug me too but then I would not have wasted 11 years on a married guy to begin with. He will never leave his wife, accept it or move on. If you stay in this pointless relationship you will end up alone. If you move on you may find someone who can commit to you alone. Your choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): This guy is happy with his situation and he does not want to change it for you, you have put up with it for 11 years so he knows you will stand for it,
He and his wife have a business relationshp and you are just the asset on the side that comes free of charge with no strings...It seems to me that in your 50's you deserve some strings and some music to go along with it....I say dump him and move on with your life even if it means being alone....life is short and you are wasting daylight agonizing over this man and his shady life.
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A
male
reader, d4u04 +, writes (20 June 2007):
 In my honest opinion, I think he does still have feelings for his ex-wife, it is most likely to be a clinging to the past as that's where he feels comfortable and is afraid to move forward, i.e. divorcing her. As you have been together 11 years it's obvious that he has strong feelings for you. So my advice to you would be, sit him down and have a proper talk, discuss why he is reluctent to move on from that relationship, because as far as I can tell, the selling of the house should not be a problem if there really is no relationship with his wife left.
I also think that him saying he is doing you a favour by not divorcing her is stalling for time for reasons I can't work out. Anyway, back to my main point, talk to him, let him know he can open up to you and you won't go mad at him or judge him, you will just hear him out and decide what is best for you both together.
Hope this helps
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Do you have any reason for what he says to be lies? Maybe this guy is more too frightened to "rock the boat" and upset his safe world? He may be right about the breaking up of his assets... but maybe he has his head in the ground and isn't facing what is probably a reality if he wants to have a future with you He and his wife must have some kind of agreeable relationship, in that they are both mutually benefiting from the marriage and as long as he can get away with it, he will continue with it.
I think if you were OK with the situation, then all would be fine but it seems you feel that whilst the marriage stays he will always be too connected with his wife.
I don't know, do you think you are worth enough to him for him to divorce and loose some of his assets? Surely you are? I think your partner is comfortable with his life just the way it is, but I have a feeling he needs to make this sacrifice for you to be able to be happy.
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