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*or55
writes:i would like to hear from women whose husband has cheated on them and stayed in the marriage and survived. my husband told me 2 months ago that he had afling with a woman. they didn't have sex because he couldt go through with it on both occassions he was with her. he told me because he couldnt live with what he has done and is trying to do everything he can to make it up but i am stuck in the anger and reentment. i think about it constantly and i just rage inside and out, say things that are truly hurtful to him. he gets really upset but i cant control my anger. the fact that he was willing to try and have sex is killing me. this is so out of character for him i am stunned. he says i am not the only one hurting, he is suffering terribly and he says he just wants to have the chance to make it up to me. we have been married 32 years. he says he can't live without me and just wants to die because of what he has done. i need help, i don't have anyone to talk to. we see a councellor but that is not helping me to control my anger. can someone help me please !!!??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): In answer to Peoriaman, my husband looks at younger women, oggles in fact, this annoys me immensly, but it is not because I have ever played games with him and with held sex, it is not because he thinks I don't love him, I did everything possible to let him know I love him and also initiated sex with him, no it's because he lied to me, and got into watching porn behind my back, and he says he loves me, huh, when it came to to actually losing me it was a different story then, no he did not want me to leave and throw away 29 years of married life, he cried and begged me to stay, and said he would do anything, so now here we are a few weeks later, and when we go out, he still looks at younger women, he is trying to curb it, and I know miracles don't happen overnight, but for the time being I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, but if he crosses me like that ever again, we will be over for good, oh and I forgot to mention why I seem so annoyed, he wanted to try having oral sex with a lapdancer a few weeks ago, I overheard him, she didn't not oblige him, thank god,but that didn't stop him wanting to, he definitely would have done if she was game, that is devastating to me, and I am trying to recover from that, that is why I was leaving him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): Why do you want to 'control' your anger - I wouldn't. I'd let it right out and not bottle any of it up - why should you? He doesn't just need to jump through hoops! After you have let your anger out you need to let it go and not continue to punish him that is, if you want to stay with him. Either way I would recommend something called Emotional Freedom Technique.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): I really do feel for you, after 32 years, your best years at that, he does this to you. He didnt go through with it because he couldnt. His body was saying one thing and yet his mind was telling him something else. I know how ripped apart you must be. My husband (ex) had three affairs while we were married (20 years), i suspect something each time, but because i was a battered wife, i wanted him to run off with them. But it still hurt like hell to know that he went with someone else. Yours is so much different, i know but the hurt will go on. Have you tried marriage guidance, may a course of counselling will help.
Sorry, personally i would have to get away from him. He went with someone and what if he could of had sex, what would of happened then? No sorry, i would be gone.
take care and keep in touch.
xx
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reader, bor55 +, writes (17 October 2007):
bor55 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the reply. no he is no longer in contact with her. he has changed his mobile number and our home number and has changed jobs so he won't see her again. says he feels lower than low. and just wants to make it up to me he is jumping though hoops to pleas me and get me back. says he will never allow a woman to become that friendly again. she wanted to have an affair for a very long time and he used to tell me all the things she would say to him. he would always knock her back so he says he doesn't understand himself what happened over that couple of weeks when he saw her the 2 times. we were having a rough patch at that time i remember. he doesnt go anywhere without me, we always go places together so he doesn't go out alone at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): Well when my husband cheated on me, I cheated right back and then dumped his ass so I'm not the best person to ask.
It's normal to have lots of feelings of anger... he betrayed you in the worst way. He may not have had sex but he wanted to (enough to try twice apparently). Does he still talk to the woman? Who was she? Is she out of his life now? Is he committed to you 100%? Is there any way to find out?
You can take the high road and forgive him completely and let it go (takes a lot of work and counselling I am sure- but I never took that road).
Or you can test him out (this is the low road)- send him emails posing as a woman or ask a friend (one that he doesn't know is best) to tempt him. See if he passes these tests. If you have any good male friends ask them to spy on him when he goes to a bar or something. --- Probably not good advice at all but I am thinking here!
Anyway... it can work, couples get through affairs. Consider yourself lucky that your husbands affair is on the table- my father cheated on my mother for 10 years and she never found out (she died clueless). That's no way to go about it. He is trying, he loves you, he was probably just having a crisis and felt unsure- a midlife crisis perhaps. Were you going through a rough patch when this fling took place?
Try to consider the circumstances.
32 years is a lot of time to just throw away. If he is able to be faithful in the future, I see no reason why you shouldn't trust him or at least try to make it work with him.
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