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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together almost four years. He's 23, I'm 27. We have talked about marriage off and on for most of it, and we always talked about having one child (he certainly doesn't want more.) Now, he's declaring that he doesn't EVER want to get married, although he does still want us to be together, and he NEVER wants to have kids. These things are very important to me, and I'm hurt and confused about what to do. Is it wrong to wait and see if he changes his mind? Is it crazy of me to think of leaving him over this? I don't want to choose between someone I love so much, and marriage and kids, but if I'm forced to, how do I even begin to know what to choose? He keeps asking me why he isn't enough. I don't know what the answer to that question is. I've tried explaining why I want what I want, and we just seem to constantly disagree on this. What do I do here? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (28 August 2006):
 Well dear do not panic, he loves you still the point is you must find out if he's teasing you so you care more about him or if he really feels like never settling down with you, if you find out this is the situation and you decide not to cope with it It would be honest to yourself try to find a person with your same aims and objectives in life, You don't need to hurry up to leave him you could even start to date some male friends just for a coffee or chat on line to see if ther is something interesting around just in case, maybe it is you who will feel happy to have given youself the opportunity to reconsider your relationship, and about the biological clock you still have time to settle down and plan your family life and children
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Astrid
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 August 2006):
 Ouch. You are in a difficult situation. The kind of age difference you have can be really hard to handle since you have your biological clock ticking and he is still in the young 'don't tie me down' phase of his life. It's hard to reconcile.
I've seen this a few times. I hate to be pessimistic about a four year relationship, but I've never seen this situation work out well. I suspect he's realising that his previous offers of marriage and children are now up for making good on, and that he really wasn't as keen on it as he thought. It's an area where I think men can delude themselves for years until they finally get to the moment of truth.
You have a very hard decision to make. You need to decide whether he means it or not. If you think he does, then you unfortunately have to leave him. He has many years ahead of him before he needs to think about kids, you still have plenty, but not nearly so many as him.
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