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female
,
anonymous
writes: I need advice. I found that my husband had been looking at porn on our laptop. It hurt me because I had always promoted openess in our relationship and explained to him how important trust is to have a happy sex and married life. I've experienced betrayal and lies before and don't want that again. I'd even taken him to a lap dancing club after about a year into our relationship to show him he doesn't have to hide it from me if he wanted to get into porn, or be ashamed - it was important to not have any secrets. But after confronting his about the porn on the laptop I found out that he had kept it as his secret. This has really scared and hurt me. I looked at the websites to see what it was that aroused him. I shouldn't have. All these images of real girls with names, doing things I have done for him on photos and movies, in different places and in bed. I even saw things he had incorporated recently in bed. Should I be grateful? Funnily enough I just feel defiled and used and I have lost all my respect for him. I can't imagine having sex and not thinking of these images of other women. I remember all the times in bed and now wonder if he was thinking of these other women. I feel stupid for trusting him with being open with him in bed. He could have just masturbated without looking at porn, then I wouldn't have felt he was a cheat. It was on the laptop we both use - I think it was such a selfish thing to do. I know that he is having a hard time at work but he has always talked to me before and I've never shut him out. I don't shout or humiliate him and support him and try to be as appealling as I can as I know it's important. Now I want to run a mile and I think he's going to cheat for real at some point in the future. He said he had no emotion when he did it - should that make me feel better because it doesn't? I am very hurt and don't know how to move forward or how to deal with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2006): Poor choice...sorry to say but you advice was the poor choice IMO....
Looking at porn is totally disresectful to women....(maybe not the handful of misled young women who particpate in it) but to all wives, mothersm, friends and sisters out there who live in a world where women are judged as second rate sex objects...
Get real....dont dismiss unaccpetable behaviour...he is the one with a problem not her..
He is the one showing a deep interest in other womens anatomy and she has every right to be offended....
Expect more from men and maybe one day we'll get it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2006): Hi I totally agree with the poster who said that she was given the advice that its harmless and get over it....This is rubbish and an excuse to justify the pathetic behaviour of some men.....
Get out if you can theyre not worth it when they are interested in other womens bodies than their partners....you deserve better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): hi, my bf told me once that he had looked at some porn to get some ideas for our sex, well that was a bad idea because once he told me that i was totally turned off sex and i was worried he was thinking of other women all the time, he even told me he would think of other women while making love to me, what a totally ass hole huh. so now 1 don't have sex with him at all and the more porn i find the less sex he gets, so don't believe that he is'nt thinking of other women because he probably is, my bf even told me that men do think of other women, instead of appreciating and loving my body during sex he is really thinking of some 18 yr old from a porno movie he downloaded, and you know i came to this website in the past asking advice about what i can do to get my bf to understand that his porn viewing is upseting to me, i would get told its harmless and normal but now its gotten worse and the porn collection has gotten bigger and the content has gotten more gross and hardcore, i wish i had of seen this was coming , if you can get out now do it , i have money problems so i can't but if you can get out or your self esteem will be totally crushed, trust me this does'nt get better, they just lie more and hide it more and look at it more.
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A
female
reader, bridget +, writes (4 April 2006):
 Hey there pet..
Im sorry to hear what you are going through in your scenario and from reading your question I take it that you have spoken to him about this???
Im an awful one for rambling on about "Communication Barriers" but honestly, they are definately needed and evryone fails in having them, Even your business men to Young couples..
Its a great thing (and very useful) to have the communication barriers down in a relationship but sometimes in problematic times, or cause for concerns, they begin to rise and rise untill they are fully blown upright..And the communciation stops and couples dont sort things out and we are all guilty of it...Which then makes us feel lonely, loss of trust for the other person...
I do however understand that you feel used and maybe a bit humilliated aswell but I do urge you to speak to your husband about how you are feeling...
You said yourself that you are open and trusting and up until now he was to.. You need to find out why and there must be a very valuable reason, maybe he felt he wasnt satisfying you enough, He might not have intended you to feel hurt, untrust, defiled..
I do advise you greatly to speak to him about how you are feeling about this whole situation... This way you wouldnt have half the worries you do now, about the fear you have of him cheating and things.. Peoples minds tend to run away with the imagination in times like these and I do think it is a great idea to be open about the feelings and fears now... He may well be thinking that he is doing you favours and being nice you never know unless you ask..
Good Luck and keep in touch..
Jacqueline
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A
female
reader, Poor_Choice +, writes (4 April 2006):
Im afraid to say, its normal for men to look at porn. Dont feel cheated, look at it this way: by looking at porn he is getting ideas on how to please you and different ways which you can enjoy each other. He wont be thinking about them when he is with you, he is with you because he loves you! just try and relax, you sound like you have a really open relationship and Im sure he didnt keep it from you on purpose.
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