A
female
age
36-40,
*rangeswild123
writes:So this guy and I were dating and then he just fell off the face of the earth for a month. He was just so busy etc. So I moved on and met someone new. I met this great guy in the beginning of the month. Things were perfect. So one night this guy and I were fooling around over my underwear. He stuck it in. I was like woah woah what are you doing. He stopped and just kept kissing me and he did it again. I was like seriously stop. I know I should have pushed him off etc. So he stops and I was like its late I have to go. Well we hung out again this time it actually lead to sex, and I felt like thats what had to happen since it went so far before. He was really rough with me.So shortly after that he broke it off with me. This other guys life has calmed down and we're talking again. And back into dating each other and things are going great. He still thinks I'm a virgin. I'm not though, but I lost it before I wanted to. Idk how to tell him what happened.... Any advice would be helpful! btw I'm 22 :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): Your current BF has the right to know that the information you previously volunteered about your sexual health is no longer current.
If you adequately understand STI testing, then you understand that there is no question about what is right and wrong here.
A
female
reader, orangeswild123 +, writes (19 April 2013):
orangeswild123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Alrighty so it seems I didn't really put enough detail into this. I was trying to keep it short. The first guy and I were just dating. Not boyfriend and gf. He was too busy for a gf but said we can date. As in get to know each other better, but we kiss etc. He also told me that since he is busy that if I find someone else, to go with that because he doesn't have enough time to invest in a relationship. So we were open to date other people. As for everyone with talking about the underwear thing, I was in a dress. wasn't like I took off my pants and lead him on. We were making out and he was on top of me. he didn't ask me if he could have sex with me he just did it. That's when I told him to stop etc. Thanks for the helpful advice though, diffidently spare the details and tell him if it comes up. :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 April 2013):
 Wait a second here. You went out with another guy because the first one "dropped off the face of the earth" for a month? Did you actually break it off with him? Sounds like he had a busy time of it, but did you see this other guy without having a formal "break-up" with the first boyfriend?
And, is your boyfriend clear that because his schedule was "just so busy", that you two were over for that month you were apart, or was he thinking that you were understanding of his schedule while secretly, you were dating because you were mad he wasn't around, but yet you didn't let him know?
You give me the impression that you never had an "it's over" conversation with your boyfriend, and that after his telling you he was busy, he never realized that the relationship was over.
You also said "This other guys life has calmed down and we're talking again. And back into dating each other and things are going great.". Does the other guy think that your relationship has been seamless, and just continued through a lull in dating due to his schedule?
If you didn't formally have a conversation with your boyfriend that officially "broke up" with him, then you cheated on him while he was away and busy.
If you DID break up with him, and he knew it, and it was an official break (definitely don't think so by how vague you have described it), then simply tell him that while you two had broken up, that you lost your virginity while dating someone else. He should know that you lost it.
But if you never broke up with him, and you gave him the impression that you were understanding of his busy schedule, you cheated on him.
Cerberus makes a good point -- you were weak in your follow-up with your boyfriend, and you couldn't push this other guy away from you if you didn't want to lose it. Things in relationships aren't vague, and someone becoming busy is no excuse not to go to where he lives and say "Listen, I can't deal with your schedule and lack of availability. I need more, so we're over." Not only that, but if you didn't want to lose your virginity, you should have kept your pants on. No underwear play with some new guy who clearly only wanted sex if he kept pushing for it.
You either cheated, in which case you need to break up with your boyfriend for good because it's not going to work, or you need to tell him you cheated on him while he was away, letting him make his own choices, and if you two were formally broken up, a simple, non-detailed "Before we get too serious again, I need to be honest and tell you that while we had broken up, I lost my virginity to someone else I was dating." No details or how rough it was, simply notifying him that you are not a virgin anymore.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Well, that is what happens when you "fool around". Stuff happens, people get excited, and how was he to know you didn't want it when you were fooling around with him like that. Did he even know you were a virgin? I think he tricked you to have sex with him, but even so, you were willingly there. So just suck it up to experience, your first time was poor and not what you had hoped for. Even so, it IS no big deal. It was you first time, but then what? You have several "times" to have sex, it's not like the first time is the only time that matters. You're still relatively inexperienced, even if you've have intercourse a couple of times. It's not like you're suddenly an expert, or suddenly there's nothing new to experience.
What I'm trying to tell you is that.. stop putting so much emphasis on the "first time" experience of something, because it only makes you sad. You were fooling around with someone you liked, things were filled with passion, and it just suddenly happened. It's not all that bad. And now you know that if you don't want sudden and UNPROTECTED sex, you don't fool around with someone in just your underwear. Lesson learned.
Talk to your new boyfriend about this when the time is right. How do you know he still thinks you're a virgin? He can't possibly thinks he knows the ins and outs of your sexual life, which is a very private matter after all. Unless you lied to him and said you were still a virgin, then no harm done. When you and him get to the point in the relationship where you are ready to have sex, you tell him. Don't go into details, just say you had sex a couple of times before, so still inexperienced, but not a virgin.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 I have to agree, for the same reasons, with the advice that you be honest about not being a virgin without providing any other details, beyond that it was someone you dated and things didn't work out.
And by being honest I don't mean you make an announcement. Just give an honest answer if the topic comes up.
How you lost your virginity isn't something that should torment you (or anyone else) all your life. The lesson to be learned here is that you're as entitled to enjoy sex on your terms as anyone else. And once you start, you're not obliged to continue. You might not always know what you want, but you know pretty quickly when you don't want something. Don't be shy about speaking up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): He doesn't need to know your past. My first time, I had a bad experience as well. I was young and drank too much and ended up in bed with a guy that was into drugs and was a drug pusher besides. It was horrible what I learned about him later. I felt so humiliated that I gave myself up to a guy like that. It was a huge mistake and one I have always deeply regretted.I never tell any of my boyfriends about my sexual experiences. They don't need to know. It's the past and that is where is should be left.I would tell him that you aren't a virgin, just to come clean about it. If you want, you can tell him that you haven't had a lot of sexual experience. That is totally up to you what you want to divulge to him.You need to move forward in your life. Unfortunately life is never easy. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to be the wiser for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): OP do not go into detail about what happened at all, not only is it none of his business but if he really likes you then that's going to be torture for him. It'll play like a movie in his head and his image of you may well be ruined too.
It's simple, just tell him you're not a virgin. If he asks any details, simply say it was a guy you were seeing and it didn't work out. No big deal. Seriously OP, no big deal.
If you want to pour your heart and get some comfort over what happened talk to your mom or your girlfriends. This is not something that most guys want playing on their minds. Retro-jealousy is easily avoided by not offering up details that guys don't need to know.
As long as you're STD free then he doesn't need to know how horrible it was for you.
Seriously OP, he may wonder what kind of woman you are to let something like that happen. You gave your "gift" to a guy who treated you pretty badly. In the past I've walked away from plenty of women who did stuff like that. I simply don't want a weak willed woman. Not that you are OP, we all make mistakes. But I've ruthless in that way, I don't want a woman who can't say no to men.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Hi, If you want this relationship, I recommend you tell him the truth. He would be an idiot to hold it against you as you were single and free to date other guys.
If anything, had he treated you better and not broken off with you , he probably would have been your first. You cannot change the past so he needs to accept it.
Just remember its likely that he will wonder or even ask why you were ready to sleep with this guy and did not sleep with him when you were first dating.
You could simply say the truth that you were pressured and he will think that if any one pressures you , you will give in or tell him, which I suspect you were hurting after your break up and was just trying to make this relationship work!
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