A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay! SO the last time I needed advice, it was about my boyfriend and how I thought he was cheating on me. Well now that I've moved on from that, I've been feeling a little better. A few days ago I came across somebody else, but he's a pastor. We talked, been out to eat, and everything. We are really attracted to each other and want to take it further, but there is only one problem... He still has the woman who was once his wife still living with him, and he don't want our relationship to really cause problems. What should I do???? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Yikes! So in other words, he wants to date you, likely get intimate with you but wants to keep you hidden, from his ex wife? Wow. I think you know my answer. You are on the 'loser track' with this fellow, dear. This is much more than a financial arrangement. There is a strong emotional bond there and you may be hard pressed to break that. Why do I say that? Because he gives a damn about what she thinks! Why would he not want her to know about you? Are you even certain, this is an ex wife?
Assuming he's being truthful about that, then listen, as long as he clings to her in a way where she is involved in his life, then the right woman can never replace her, in his life. He's got to get her out, break the ties, totally. Sweety, when you date someone, you want to be a big priority of that person's life. It means going into his world, meeting his family, seeing where he lives, getting to know him. This will be impossible, as he wants to keep your relationship with him a secret from her. This also means he will not put you in the front seat; it means you will be shoved in the back seat and 'she' is in the front seat! . Do not accept this deal..it's a crappy one.
So stop right there and I suggest you tell him that, before this relationship goes any further. If it's a no go, on his part- then walk away with a smile and feel fortunate you never got involved.
And from now on when you date someone who is clinging to another past relationship, in his life, you need to muster up the courage and 'balls' to tell him right out of the starting gate, " it's all or nothing, baby" All quality, solid love relationship must be based on honesty and the truth. If he wants you, he gets the ex wife out of his home and his life.
Be strong...because no attachment is worth the price your self-esteem will pay dating a guy who's ex wife is still living with him. This is just all too fishy smelling. Go find someone else who is far less complicated and has little or no baggage. That would be your best move. Take care and best wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): hey dear, I understand your predicament, I was somewhere close to the same thing not too long ago. You might want to wait a little bit ( i dont know how logn you two have been seeing each other ) and then ask him if he's willing to leave the house or apartment he's sharing with the exwife. Be honest with him and yourself. There is no harm in expressing your concerns!
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Hmmm, if it were me, I wouldn't step foot into that relationship if he was still living with her. Maybe it's purely for financial convenience, but there could still be some lingering ghosts in that house.
My advice is to tell him up front that until you all sit down and have a little talk about how this would work out, you are unavailable. It just all sounds like a mess waiting to happen, and you'll be the one left cleaning it up.
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