A
female
age
51-59,
*oomer
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we don't live together but we spend a couple of nights each week at each others home. I love him very much. He is very quiet and I'm the opposite I guess. I'm beginning to get bored as he rarely makes me laugh and I feel our relationship is going nowhere. He has a teenage son and spends a lot of time at his ex wife's house to see his son which I'm not happy with. His son spends the weekend with him but instead of just picking his son up on Fridays he goes to his ex's house and has dinner and hangs about watching telly. When he drops him back Sunday evening he spends more time there (although he has cut out Sunday dinner there because I wasn't happy with the situation). He also goes there straight after work on Monday evening and spends a few hours there with his son. I feel although he is divorced many years he is still very much tied to his old life which stops us having a proper life together. I've told him how I feel but he doesn't understand and continues to spend his time there even though in my opinion his son at 13 is capable of getting on a bus to visit him to save him having to go to his ex's place. I trust him with his ex, it's not that I think he is trying to get back with her (I even put up with him going away on holiday with his ex and his son for 2 weeks last year) but I'm now bored with the whole situation as I can't see a future for us together. Should I leave him and look for a man who is free to be with me full time so I can be with someone who puts our relationship first for a change. I don't feel I can continue the way we are for much longer.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): What has happened here is that your love for this man has begun to erode as you don't trust in him as he has basically invalidated your worries and pain by continuing to do what he does.
When a woman feels that the man she is in love with, does not not listen to her and does not want to help her and put her needs first-she will begin to hurt and that hurt will build and with it the trust and faith in him begins to plummet.
It could be how you are going about communicating your needs. Have you tried a love letter?
From John Gray's book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, he gives a map as follows.
Dear___________ Date_________
I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.
1. For Anger
* I don't like it...
* I feel frustrated...
* I am angry that...
* I feel annoyed...
* I want...
2. For Sadness
* I feel disappointed...
* I am sad that...
* I feel hurt ...
* I want...
3. For Fear
* I feel worried...
* I am afraid...
* I feel scared...
* I do not want...
* I need...
* I want...
4. For Regret
* I feel embarassed...
* I am sorry...
* I feel ashamed...
* I didn't want...
* I want...
5. For Love
* I love...
* I want...
* I understand...
* I forgive...
* I appreciate...
* I thank you...
* I know...
p.s. The response I would like to hear from you:
I would like to hear...
(John Gray, Ph. D, Pages 238-239)
I wish you the best. In the end. You make a decision, you get to decide how your life will be. You get to decide what will make you happy.
I would suggest couples counselling as well.
*hugs*
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