A
female
age
30-35,
*iss blurry
writes:Help. I have been with my bf three years and a couple of weeks ago he signed up to an adult friendfinder! Even though he did not upload a pic or email any women (i checked) it has really upset me. When i had a go at him he said I always accuse him and he got so angry he did it in spite because i always get paranoid at him (which is true). I know I cannot say he has cheated because he never spoke to anyone and only signed up and didnt go back on there but it has hurt me that he may have been tryna find someone better/more attractive etc. We generally have always had a good relationship and have a young child together. My paranoia has always been really bad so do I let him off as he hasnt spoken to any women or done anything so bad??? This is ruining us me keep bringing it up though he has promised never to do it again and he didnt see it as a big thing at the time, if he had known how much it would hurt me he would have maybe thought twice-PLease advice! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 It's possible you are simply insecure and jealous and paranoid. Or it's possible you sense something in him that makes him sign up for Adult Friend Finder. It's not really paranoia if it's actually happening. I'm not saying he's cheated or that he genuinely planned to, but he likes to play around with the idea.
I suppose it's possible that he was wanting "revenge" for you being paranoid, but that's basically like going out drinking because your partner is worried you might become an alcoholic. Or eating McDonalds every day because your partner is worried about your weight. Basically, he wanted you to stop being paranoid, so he gave you a reason to? That makes no sense.
Then there's the issue of him reacting by getting mad at you for something he did? That's the reaction of a guilty person. Something about this isn't adding up.
I think you two really need couples counseling if you want this to work. You seem to really have trouble understanding each other and how to give each other what you need from the relationship.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I don't think you are paranoid. After all HE DID sign up to this website. Yet, he is putting the blame on you, like YOU made him sign up. You didn't.
Why did he sign up?, ask him honestly.
You don't sign up to adultfriendfinder for shits and grins, let's be honest. He may not have cheated yet, he may NOT cheat at all, but he MUST be at least considering in seeing what else is out there? Or what he is missing out on? IT IS a big deal to you, obviously. (it would be to me too)
I would suggest that YOU try figure out how he can PROVE to you that you can start to trust him. And talk to him about it. Also I think you two ought to have a little chat about what you think is OK and what is NOT OK in a relationship. Be on the same page. After all would he be OK with you signing up to adult friendfinder websites?
After that You need to either let it go and NOT bring it up again. Or dump him.
And IF I may suggest, stop snooping. It's not healthy having to snoop. All you do is confirm that you do not trust him and confirm to yourself that you HAVE to "parent" him or he will cheat. IF he wants to cheat, it will not be because of you. It will be because he CHOSE to. LET him be responsible for HIS actions and you, for yours.
You two really need to figure out who to trust & respect each other.
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A
female
reader, Star.Aqua  +, writes (11 June 2012):
just let it go.. I don't think that this is a reason for you guys to break up.. based on my own experience, I have found out that men always want their space or time for themselves... just let it go.. remember that relationships lasts as long as you make it last..
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