A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have asked for help before and always received helpful and unbiased advice. My problem stems from the fact that I feel that I have not been treated very well and would like other peoples views on whether I should leave this relationship.I was due to get married next month and my boyfriend has decided to call off the wedding. He cites that we are not getting on and he cannot enter married state with the way our relationship is going. I am in my early 40's and recently had a miscarriage. I had really wanted the baby but my partner was not very interested. When I lost the baby I received no support from him at all not even a 'sorry'. My boyfriend had been ill but I tried to discuss the miscarriage with him but he told me that he just wasn't up to it. While he was ill I was left to look after his young chilsren from previous relationships. He did absolutely nothing and I found it very hard. After the children had gone home I told him that I was not happy about being left to look after them and that i was still upset about my baby but he said nothing. I haven't seen him for two weeks and then he came to see me and told me that he wanted to put the wedding on hold. He still expects me to spend time with his friends and go to various work events with him. I do not want to see his friends at all feeling loss of face over the wedding and depressed over the baby. I have sent him a few nasty txts and emails over how badly I think I have been treated and he has grown increasingly more distanced from me. I really am at a stage where I no longer know what to do or say and every conversation ends in a massive argument.Any advice please?
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female
reader, april1116  +, writes (13 November 2009):
 he is not the man you needed to marry in the first place I am truly sorry about the miscarriage you had, but the man in your life let him go honey you don,t need that, someone out here is looking for a special women alll you have to do is keep hope alive cause there is plenty of fish in the sea, and for him to just treat you like that tells me he wasn,t ready for marriage either. let him go honey he is only ADDED STRESS THAT YOU DON,T NEED
A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (13 November 2009):
 Hmm... I've been on the receiving end of this one so I do have personal experience.
Speaking as a man and how men are "supposed" to be. Caring Men generally are trying to be supportive and strong, this "can" be misread as uncaring and cold.
When this happened to me I was crucified; the pregnancy went full term but was born still. I being my usual self, tried to remain strong, caring and supportive. It was misread and the cold and callous token was thrown at me...
Now when I was being strong I was suppressing the grief that I was feeling and turning it into support. When it was my time to grieve my "other half" at time was finding solace with my best friend... needless to say it ended in the termination of our marriage.
Now my advice to you is to get him and yourself to relate or to grievance Counselling, it sounds like neither of you have reached closure with this. Speak to specialist Counsellors who know how to handle bereavement such as Cruse:
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Sorry to hear of your loss - it hurts real bad, but please be patient with him, he may be hurting too!
If not - your signs are there for a quick and speedy exit... Good Luck whatever you choose!
Steve x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): Hello there,
First of all, sorry about the loss of your baby. I cannot imagine what you are going though but I wish you all the best will in the world.
I wouldn't leave just yet. Your bf sounds like he distances himself from his problems- also you mentioned he was ill and assuming it is more than the common cold or another 'trivial' health issue, this is another thing he has to deal with.
It is unlikely that he is unmoved by the loss of his child, but he is just not willing to share it with you or anyone else. As for the wedding, it may well be that he sees you have withdrawn (becauase of your loss) and feels that the relationship is not going as well.
I am not excusing his behavior but it really just seems like there is a lot going on between you two now and he is just unable to do or say anything and is just withdrawing from you.
As you are grieving, it is unfair to tell you to change and become more into the relationship as in reality you should take all the time you need to mourn the loss of your baby. However, bear in mind he is still with you and has not -other than withdraw- done anything.
You have one of two choices, stay and battle through; one day you WILL feel better about your loss and maybe then he will become the man you once loved. You can also leave. Take some time to grieve and when you are ready move on.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): I think you know the answer to this question. You have described an extremely unhealthy, miserable relationship - you have not said one good thing about this relationship. It is pretty obvious to me from the tone of your email that you want out of this relationship. I know how hard it must be being in your early forties and having lost a baby - I can understand that the thought of loosing your partner at the same time must be very frightening - but you are not happy, marrying him or staying with him will not make you any happier. Get out now, while you can, while you are still young enough to meet and potentially have a baby with someone else who respects you and can make you happy. Otherwise, insist you go to couples therapy together as an ultimatum. But the way you describe it sounds like you have already made your mind up and just want confirmation that you are making the right choice. It sounds like a nightmare relationship to be honest, abusive even - for someone to withhold sympathy or support when you lose a baby. I would get out now and be happy on your own or with someone else.
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