A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel a little lost. My (ex-)boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me several months ago. During our relationship he cheated on me and disrespected me in many ways. I have been very down, but I have been going out with friends and trying very hard to get over what's happened.A few weeks ago, I met someone at a party. We hit it off really well that night and talked a bit; it didn't take long to discover that it was his going-away party. He would be leaving in two days and would be gone all summer; however, he asked me out the next day. I agreed to go, thinking it might be nice to see somebody else.The date went very well. We talked for hours and enjoyed some passionate kissing sessions. :) Strange for me; I'm usually very shy. There was definite chemistry between us. He even offered to cancel his trip for me; I'm not sure if it was a sincere offer, but, regardless, of course I declined. We ended up staying up all night chatting until he had to drop me off, leave, and board his flight.Ever since he's left (two weeks ago), he's contacted me just about every day, be it via e-mail, phone, or IM's. We've had some long conversations since then, too.Before he left, I pushed the idea that we shouldn't really label what we were, due to the circumstances (having only known each other for two days, then parting for the summer...). I'm not sure if that's what he wanted or not, but truthfully, I'm also not sure if I can handle another relationship so soon after my previous one. I really want to, but my last relationship was long distance as well, and I don't really have the nerve to do it again -- especially with someone I, technically, barely know.In doing this, speaking very selfishly here, I've sort of made this situation more difficult for myself. He talks to me quite a lot, constantly expressing his wishes to have a future with me (implying after he returns). He's also very open and honest about flirtatious advances toward him and that he's made to other girls. I find this confusing.I appreciate the honesty (I think he's telling me because he knows I'm devastated about being cheated on and initially lied to...?), but it seems odd to me. I'm very shy, and not one to date around. I really do not mind waiting for him. I realize it's not very fair of me to expect him to "wait" for me, and so I have gone out of my way to not make him feel guilty for it at all. But I must say, I feel pretty devastated. He keeps telling me I'm "the girl of his dreams" and discussing what our future could be like, meanwhile he's already seeking out other prospects. He's told me he "won't let anything serious develop" with any of those girls. This just seems VERY odd to me! I don't know why!! And it unnerves me, because it's only been two weeks and he's still got four months there. What we have developed in two days. What else could happen?I think it's (at least) mainly my fault for leaving things between us so unclear. I just want to know, do you think this is normal behavior? I'm asking because I'm sort of worried that he's going to have his fun all summer and then have another girl, me, to come home to so he can have some more fun. I must say, we were shockingly close to having sex on the first date, which is extremely out of character for me. I had to say no more than once.What should I do? I feel like I'm being neurotic about all of this. I'm trying to handle this maturely and just allow him to do whatever he wants until he comes back. I just want to know, is that mature or naive of me? He SEEMED like a genuine, caring guy, but I'm starting to feel that his words don't match his actions. I don't really feel stable enough at the moment to judge this behavior. Am I making too much out of this? Please help me?
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broke up, cheated on me, flirt, kissing, long distance, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): According to science it's a classic sign of lying.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): No you are not making too much of this. Let's break this down.
1) You met him and knew him for two days before he went back to his home long distance away from you.
2) He put pressure on you to have sex on the first date, you said no several times, had to say no several times, but
you had chemistry and had passionate kissing sessions.
3) The result of this is he doesn't want to label what you have since you just met.
4). Yet he contradicts that by saying he wants you in his future and he knows you are the girl of his dreams.
5) He is letting you know while he is away from you he will be keeping his options open and dating other girls but not getting serious with any one else.
6) He has some information about you and your vulnerabilities, he knows you were cheated on in your last relationship and hurt of course by that.
This guy is a con artist. Come on. He is making sure that you will be ready and excited to start seeing him when he returns, but he is not waiting for you, he is going to be bedding some other girls at home, but he isn't going to get serious, you think because he knows he is only going to be there four monhts. Now why would that matter if he was really interested in finding the girl of his dreams? Isn't that what he is doing to you, encouraging you to wait around for his return because he is oh so into you?
He doesn't want to put a label on it because he isn't offering you anything. Don't fall into this trap of thinking he is wanting you for a girlfriend and he will commit to you if only you will wait around for him.
BS, he is dating a lot of different girls and will probably continue to do so when he gets home and he isn't looking for happy ever after, he is looking to pull the wool over a vulnerable woman's eyes so he has a ready date when he comes back to a town he hasn't been wooing any one else in for many months. He is filling up his little black book darling.
So go out with him when he comes home if you want to, but don't fall for this don juan slick player, don't wait around and date some other men who are in your own back yard. No reason to go there again to a long distance relationships, there are plenty of nice men who might really be looking just for you, not a stable of girls.
Take care, and no you are on the right track, listen to your gut.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Look, you've only known this guy a few days. There is no way you can know if you want something long term with him so yes, he should be dating others and so should you! Agree to be friends with him for the next few months (not like you can really do anything else!) and start dating when he gets back. All this talk about you being his dream girl and a future sounds a bit immature and premature so no wonder it doesn't feel right and confusing- back off of all that nonsense. Keep the conversations light and let him know you are excited for when he comes back and in the meantime, don't obsess like this is such a big deal and live your life. If he starts talking about other girls or how you are his future, tell him in a joking manner "Hey, slow down, we have plenty of time to get to know each other when you get back!"Yeah, his words don't match his actions and that could be that he's just immature and excited about meeting you but it could also mean he's a fickle guy. People that tell you that much and promise all that so soon, usually are just caught up in the moment, not really "real feelings", just endorphines. Yes, you'd be naive to take this seriously now but just see what he does when he gets back. Don't take it personally if he gets side-tracked and starts telling other girls the same thing, you aren't in a relationship yet and this isn't a solid attachment you have. You'll have a chance to build that if he's for real when he returns. Please don't spend the next four months focusing on this guy and having a lot of expectations. Enjoy your summer, date other guys and just keep in contact with him. Keep it light and fun.
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A
female
reader, You Heard Me +, writes (26 May 2009):
Pump the brakes... you dont know this guy from Adam and you were close to having sex? Kissing someone you barely know can lead to disaster in this day and age. You are trying to replace the pain by grasping onto something incredibly unsure. This guy offered to cancel a trip for you after only knowing you less than 48 hours? Red flag my dear... he may have some issues of his own. Long story short, take time to find yourself, date yourself, love yourself for the next 12 months. This doesnt mean you can't get to know a guy, this means if you do go out, make it clear it is going to be in a public place, no night caps, no late night phone calls, no meeting the friends. Love you and only you for the next 12 months.
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