A
female
age
36-40,
*onfuzzled_in_cville
writes:Please help. I don't know what to do. Me and my boyfriend haven't been happy in a long time. I kicked him out last month and hoped that would motivate him to spend time with me and be intimate with me. He spends no time with me at all. Ever since I kicked him out we go weeks without talking. We met up and talked all night but when I tried to talk to him about our problems things turned sour. A couple if days ago we talked and he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me but he said he still loves me. I really hoped something special would happen on valentines day but I know he wasn't going to do anything so I dumped him today. I still love him and want to be with him but I don't know what to do. He says I bitch a lot and that's one of the reasons he doesn't want to be with me. I feel helpless. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Ever saw the movie "The Break Up" with Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaugh? She did the same thing, broke up with him to teach him a lesson about appreciating her more and being more intimate with her, and it failed. Miserably. I won't say anymore about the movie. Just that, if you didn't see it, go rent it, watch it, learn from it. Its a good movie, by the way.I don't know why we women do that or who taught us that works. Instead of speaking our minds and just saying (not in a argument, but in a rational conversation), "I love you but I feel that you don't ______, and I need _______" we play these games that end up backfiring on us. IT NEVER WORKS. If you break up with a guy, he pretty much thinks the obvious, which is, you broke up with him. If you want him back and want it to work, assess what you did wrong in the relationship. Think how to improve on it. No, men don't like bitching. Frankly, no one does. Its not attractive and its demeaning, so think back on all the times you bitched and how you may have done things differently. Then TALK to him. Not yell, not bitch, not argue.... TALK. Tell him, "Yes, I know I bitched a lot, but its because I was feeling frustrated that I wasn't getting ____________ from you. I promise from here on out that if I feel that way, I'll say it. I won't start an argument, we'll just have a rational, adult conversation and work through our differences."Hope this helps. And watch the movie. You may not have to rent it, its coming on cable this month anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): If you want him to be more intimate with you and spend time with you, kicking him out was not the way to encourage him to be more loving! However, you did say you haven't been happy for a long time, and now you've also dumped him.Right off hand, I'd say you should take some time to think about whether you are really a good match. Then, too, take a good hard look at your own "bitchy" behavior and think of what, if anything, you want to do about it.Here's some observations to try to get you started:Why are you nasty toward him? Does he have a lot of annoying habits or behave in ways you don't approve of?Do you have a habit of "bitching" to other people you're close to? former boyfriends, friends or family? If so, you need to take a serious look at yourself and decide whether this behavior is something you want to try to overcome.Generally speaking, we do tend to get frustrated sometimes with people we care deeply about, if we feel that the way they act is irresponsible. Its "legit" to say, ONCE, honey, I do think you need to make an appointment with your doctor about xxx (whatever it is) and say you're concerned about his health (this is just an example, of course) and maybe he will make the appointment, and be open to what you've said - or maybe he won't. And if he is not willing to listen, or resents you for saying it, then you have to let it go - or else let yourself get even more upset. the sad truth is we can't MAKE someone do something they don't want - even if it would be in his own best interest to do it.I don't of course, have any idea as to whether this might be what's going on, but human nature being what it is.....take it for what its worth.As things now stand, he told you he isn't sure he wants to be in relationship with you any longer, even though he loves you. Maybe its a case of he does love you, but finds it extremely difficult to be around you. Certainly sounds that way.Unless he gets in touch and wants to celebrate Valentine's Day (and he may well choose not to) my recommendation is to back off and let things cool down. Ginalolabridgda has given you some good advice, and I hope what I've said will be helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): I agree with you Cerebus. Anonymous female...what the heck are you talking about? How did this posting get on this thread...it makes no sense!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): female annonymous, what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): You said that I should engage in introspection am assorted, should consciousness be assorted, I said that I have not violated you, has not violated a regulation, instead has not worn the hat, you, opposed that is assorted.
You said that my rebel time, I had said that I also in reversal destiny.
You said that my natural disposition, did not let you be disappointed, I said that I progressed very much, let me expect.
I look at the keyboard, does not have the loud announcement, this is my space, does not have vigorously the deletion, your free speech,
Your life rule, is not I, we, really is only the viewpoint is different.
Has not been assorted the flattery, wants saying that I am not a long not big child.
Also as soon as occasionally, thinks dull to smile.
Every day, your conference, your associative compound, your recollection, that day, you look back to me, waves the hand again to me, wants my recycling, you said that we started finally, some kind of understanding, I said that we had finished finally, some kind of awkwardness.
Alone, watched three movies, alone, looked has broken up the back, one each one, these were afraid inexplicably, silenced finally obliterates.
In society amount and rate of flow, time passing, lets me come to a stop once more, no longer lowers the head, no longer swings, no longer looks on, I, the day, am as before brave, has not faded from the memory, has not owed, I do not wait for you, asked me to go back, met anyone, we.
I am breathing, 7:00 am, you said that dawn, should awake, I said that the night has been deep, the human was static.
The valentine day is joyful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): Time you stopped thinking what he wants and think about what you want. He isn't making you happy so why do you want to be with him?
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