A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am extremely jealous of my boyfriends ex; well, not so much his ex, but, just the fact that he has been married already and has a daughter. He says he married the right girl at the time and doesn't regret it. They still get along and their families are close. He says he would never get back with her and they have been seperated for like 4 years. We live together and she has lived with 2 guys since they have seperated. We talk about marraige and I want to get married; but, I can't help but feeling like #2. I wonder if he will be as happy and excited about a wedding and a baby since he has already experienced both of them. How do I get over this jealousy and is it normal?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): Yeah I can sympathize with your insecurity. Its a tough thing to accept that the man that you love who you would like to experience your first marriage, real romance, baby, all that good stuff with, has already experienced all that with somebody else. That could make any girl in your position feel insecure. I mean if he were dating somebody who was in his same boat (for instance a divorced mom) then they would both have their equal share of baggage and they would atleast be on a more equal level.
But here you are, very young, probably never been married, and you are coming into this with a fresh perspective with somebody who's already been there done that with another woman. So its understandable that you feel "second" to some degree.
So even though ANY woman in your position would feel like you feel, the bottom line is that you can't change who he is. That is his past, that is his persona and that is his baggage forever. If you want to be with him that is something you are going to have to accept and overlook. But if you want to experience your own "first time" love where its you and your partners first marriage and all that good stuff, then its going to have to be somebody else who fills those shoes, but its never going to be him. That's something he has already experienced.
This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and that he wouldn't love you to be his wife or who knows? It just means that he has baggage and that is something you have to live with if you want to be with him. That's all. And if you would rather find a first timer at the whole love thing then there are PLENTY of guys your age who have NO baggage.
A
female
reader, mstggirl85 +, writes (18 January 2008):
Omg I can relate to you on that one.....I just go married a few months ago and my husband has already been married before too. He was married for 13 months. It was about 4 years ago when it happended and I am totally obsessed with the fact that he's been married already. It hurts me in ways he cant understand. He tells me that their relationship was nothing compared to ours and that he considers this marriage to be his first real marriage because he was so young and it was stupid reasons why he got married before. But I still feel like Ive been cheated somehow because its a new experience for me, but not for him. He swears up and down that its not like that, that it was a crappy relationship from the start but I still cant help but feel jealous over it all. You should sit down and really talk with him about your feelings. Ive been doing that alot lately with my husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): Omg I can relate to you on that one.....I just go married a few months ago and my husband has already been married before too. He was married for 13 months. It was about 4 years ago when it happended and I am totally obsessed with the fact that he's been married already. It hurts me in ways he cant understand. He tells me that their relationship was nothing compared to ours and that he considers this marriage to be his first real marriage because he was so young and it was stupid reasons why he got married before. But I still feel like Ive been cheated somehow because its a new experience for me, but not for him. He swears up and down that its not like that, that it was a crappy relationship from the start but I still cant help but feel jealous over it all. You should sit down and really talk with him about your feelings. Ive been doing that alot lately with my husband.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 Hi,
You might need to consider your options here.
You started dating this man knowing that he had an ex with a child, yet you still chose to continue the relationship .
Now that you are talking marriageit has become more of an issue for you, I suggest you talk it out with your boyfriend but only if you have something constructive to offer. There is not point just being jealous, what is he supposed to do , stop seeing his daughter? The fact that he is cordial with his ex is wonderful for his daughter, at least she will grow up knowing that her parents don't hate each other. Your jealousy is just going to act as a negative for everyone, he won't get back with his ex but he will split up with you if your jealousy issues continue to simmer away.
If its something you just cannot see yourself being able to handle you should spend some time apart to get a focus on what you want from this relationship, he comes as a package - he and his daughter, that will never change. It may be a very hard decision to make, but if you cannot get a grip of the jealousy then why make your life and that of the person you love a misery?
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