A
female
age
30-35,
*rc-en-ciel
writes:My boyfriend and I(both 22) started dating a year ago.I think that we both have a rather high sex drive and at the beginning sex was great.Unfortunately we had to go LDR for a few months and he started using antidepressant medication.We got back together a few months ago. During the first few weeks everything was fine, just like before.After a while though it became more and more difficult for me to make him cum from oral sex (whereas in the past i could do it a several times a day...). To the point that he would always have to finish himself off. No matter how hard I tried, nothing worked.I recently went on a 2-weeks trip with some friends and when I came back from the trip, things only got worse.Now he can't stay hard/doesn't cum during sex.He also can't finish himself off after a blowjob.(when i'm trying to help) When blowjobs stopped turning him on, I was so worried that I asked him if there was anything wrong with me(I know that was stupid of me) . But this time I wasn't really surprised when I saw that things got worse and I didn't want to put pressure on him, so we both pretended everything was fine.Until he felt he needed to talk to me about that. He said that the only thing that still works for him is porn.Once again, I'm not surprised. I've been feeling really stupid lately, when I was trying my best just to realise that I don't turn him on. I know that maybe I shouldn't take it personnaly but it really hurts me. I've got enough problems atm and I'm trying my best to keep my self-esteem.Anyway, now, we're both in the same boat. I don't want sex with him anymore either. I wish we could go back to a normal sex life though. But right now, it just feels silly. And i'm sort of disgusted by everything.What could/should I do? I think that if i don't do something now, things are likely to get worse. Or maybe I shouldn't be that worried?I thought about telling him that we should have a break. But maybe it would hurt him? I know that he would then spend more time watching porn and... i don't think it would help us(or, would it?)?Or could it be temporary only? Would things get better if we keep on trying? Has anyone experienced that?I'm really lost here. I need your opinion/help.
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female
reader, Glorytilldies  +, writes (28 September 2015):
 I was in a similar situation.I'm a very atattractivetractive person and I never had problems with self esteem.I was in love with my ex but he never seemed to be very sexual.We only had sex once a month.After years I discovered that he just liked to masturbate watching porn and that to me was absolutely revolting.Especially because he could have never found another one like me.( sorry I'm not trying to brag here).Anyway he was depressed as well and I completely stopped having sex with him because I didn't want to anymore.Now I'm happy in my relationship with a new person but I'll be honest with you.My previews situation has changed me a lot and has messed upI was in a similar situation.I'm a very attractive person and I never had problems with self esteem.I was in love with my ex but he never seemed to be very sexual.We only had sex once a month.After years I discovered that he just liked to masturbate watching porn and that to me was absolutely revolting.Especially because he could have never found another one like me.( sorry I'm not trying to brag here).Anyway he was depressed as well and I completely stopped having sex with him because I didn't want to anymore.Now I'm happy in my relationship with a new person but I'll be honest with you.My previews situation has changed me a lot and has messed up my mind a little.Leave
him now before it's too late.You need to love yourself before you love anyone else. my mind a little.Leave him now before it's too late.You need to love yourself before you love anyone else.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 September 2015):
 It's very sad to be told by your lover who presumably is at the peak of his sexual drive that he can only get off with porn. That's heartbreaking.
This site http://yourbrainonporn.com has some good information on how internet porn availability is affecting the sex lives of people like your boyfriend.
If he's been honest with you then maybe it would be best to be honest with him yourself. You say you don't want to hurt him, but did that factor into his decision to tell you about his need for porn? Did he not want to hurt you as well?
Don't not tell him because you are afraid it will hurt him.
I would suggest he try to avoid porn for now, if he's willing to work on that aspect of the relationship with you.
Also, antidepressants can have a libido killing effect but if that were truly the case would he need porn? I think perhaps the combo of depression and porn overuse could be a factor in all of this, but I'm not an expert. We just see a lot of posts like yours here.
In the end, I think it's not fair to you or him to pretend you are okay with things the way they are.
Try to talk to him about it in a calm, loving way, not in bed and not when you are tired or angry. It's a tough conversation to have but what is your alternative, really? To carry on as you are? You know that's not going well now.
Do some research on his medication, his diagnosis, and the porn use. Then have a think. Then talk about it.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2015): Is he still on the antidepressants? Before you consider ending the relationship it's worth considering the guy spent months apart from you, when you came back he was obviously glad and things went well...but if he's on antidepressants they can WRECK sex drive and desire. Couple that with the fact he will now be having anxiety about letting you down and there is the problem.Porn isn't a real person he can let down, there are no expectations on him from a real life human being. I think you need an open conversation about it with him and you ask if the medication is affecting his desire and also suggest he should take steps to watch porn less - before he builds up having actual sex as too much and the anxiety about not lasting or being able to finish stops him from having physical contact at all. He should consider seeing his doctor about trying another dose or another medication completely, because it's interfering with his life.Also, if he's stopped taking his medication - was that advised by a doctor or did he just decide stop. If his doctor did not support him ending the med's then he will need to go back. If the doctor did plan for him to stop taking the antidepressants then he should also go back, as either way his depression may not be being managed as it should be.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 September 2015):
You have to treat this the same way you would if he was cheating on you...and in most ways...he is cheating...Let me explain.
Using porn for BOTH of your satisfaction is one thing, but turning away from the real thing for a fantasy...not good.
If your BF was sleeping with another woman and not having sex with you, what would you do??? Your reaction here should be the same. The relationship is no longer about both of you, it is now everyone satisfy themselves. When this happens, it is not a relationship.
If both of you were married, I would say do what you can to save things. But you are not...Boyfriends are what you choose to see who would be the best husband for the future, and what kind of husband you want. If he is like this now...imagine 5 years from now.
No man should replace you for a hand. You are worth more than that. The more time you waste on someone who does not care about you, the more good chances you lose with someone who wants you and only you, and knows the difference between reality and fantasy.
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