A
female
age
,
*adison2111
writes: I have had some personal family crisis problems in the past 3 months, and had not been very nice or very effectionate to my husband. In the weeks that I had my problems, he started talking to a 23 year old girl on line which was harmless at first, who he met through party poker, who was having problems with her mother being ill, and a boyfriend that had bashed her. He felt he needed to cheer her up, and things got out of hand with him then sending her lovee dovee type text messages which she sends also to him. They are things like (I think of you when I lay down to go to bed and you are next to me). I have suspected something in the last 3 weeks and I confronted him. I also found the last text message in his phone which has devestated me. He said it was all in fun but he said that receiving her messages and contact made him feel good.What can I do to save our marriage or am I reacting too much? This 6 weeks has just killed our relationship. We have had lengthy discussions but I don't know if he will do this again. Can I trust him again?I have sent a message to the young lady in question and asked her to back off. He wants to keep her as a chat friend, but I am not happy about this as I think it could happen again.
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female
reader, madison2111 +, writes (14 May 2008):
madison2111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read your answers and have already spoken to my husband. The girl in question lives in the UK and we are in Australia. This is not a question of him leaving to go to her. This started out as her with problems and he being the nice helpful kind started talking to her on MSN. The texting started while her computer was broken. My husband has spoken to her since and she has told him to delete all addresses photos and from msn and not to have anymore contact with her. He has said to me that he does not want to leave it was she just made him feel special talking to him. I am very worried that he is depressed and addicted to the MSN. We were as happy as we had ever been 6 to 8 weeks ago before any of this was a problem. He hates his job and is feeling very down. He knows that he has hurt me. I am actually concerned for his health at present. He stated that if I asked him to delete his other contacts he would feel bad as well. He gets to emotionally wound up in these peoples problems and I think he has a major one himself. I did ask him to go and see someone but he said I don't need anyone. Can you please help. We have not had time to ourselves (holiday) for 5 years it has always been with the kids or to do with a sporting trip. I think that we both need a break as I am presently going through pre menopause which is not helping either
A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 How awful for you. I know you have had some problems but that is no excuse for his behaviour. I don’t know what your issues were but everyone needs to be able to have a bad time and know their partner will stick with them. There is not room for this girl to be a chat friend, that is so obvious that I can’t believe I have to write it down for you. Not only should he end all contact, but he ought to be really worried and upset and trying his hardest to make amends.
If he seems mainly untroubled and insists on being “friends” with this girl, then sadly it looks as though he no longer has enough emotionally invested in your relationship to protect it.
At this point the only way of saving things is, ironically, would probably be to tell him that he is free to go. Only then will he have to confront what he will actually lose, at the moment he is too busy enjoying this to be facing reality. There has not been the time yet (hopefully) or the inclination to leave you and set up home with her, for example. He would lose a lot financially and this girl may be damaged having been in an abusive relationship.
This is the time when you do actually have some power to influence, by being really tough, but it is the time you would probably feel least like using it. Unhappy and shocked as you are, he will only feel the value of your worth if he sees a real chance that he will lose you. But this needs not to be empty threats. There must be consequences for him because of what he has done, not you trying to cling on in a disempowered way.
There is a booked called “Love Must Be Tough” by Dr James C Dobson which explains all about this kind of situation and the steps to take to get through. It is for sale on Amazon and I think it would help you enormously.
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