A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has recently put a couple of photos of his ex wives on his phone, and his FB timeline. I was a bit shocked when I saw them. His explanation was that they were a part of his past and he wanted them there. I found this odd, I too have ex husbands and get on with one quite well (he's the father of my children), but I don't feel the need to have pictures of them on my phone or FB. It has made me feel very uncomfortable. But he says they're staying and it's my problem that I feel the way I do. It has caused bad feeling, but I'm trying to accept it. I'm just wondering if my reaction is justified or I am over reacting. For the record he has no friendship with either of these women and no contact.
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facebook, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (4 June 2012):
Anyone who has pictures of an ex up on facebook, against the wishes of their partner, is self absorbed and not worthy of your time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Yeah, Facebook definately caused me and the women I was dating a potential relationship. I glad I saw this before I got in deeper.I went to post a joke on her page, and I noticed it said she was in a relationship with this Guy!!! He was constantly writing "I love You" ect every day ect. She never responded, but it was always him posting on their.Obviously it made me upset, and we got into a huge argument over it because she said it was just a joke ect.Anyway, I found it to be very disrespectful, and we could not see eye to eye on this. So, she just blocked me from the page and we have pretty much called it quits.I did find out however, she was dating him as well. So, it can definately open up a can of worms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Thank you for your PM Original Poster. I know full well what you mean, and even can read behind the words and history- that you are in love with a Narcissistic Man Period. This man can NEVER be wrong and any honest, genuine concerns with VALID reasons behind them and what intentions of actions denote to you, say to you- and you bring it to him - his REACTION and REASONING suggest you are in love with a Narcissist.A Narcissist, even when reasoned with by a Therapist and even the Therapist tells him to get rid of the photos and your BF still stonewalls - speaks volumes.For your Sanity, Your Self Love, leave this man.I stand by my declaration by being exampled by my Father who loves, honours, cherishes my Mother and puts her FIRST above Work, Above Family, Above Friends, Above his Pride, Above his Ego, Especially above the opinions of the world and forsakes all others - by truly living and loving my Mom daily, HONOURING Her would mean sacrificing being 'right' (because when someone has to win or be right, someone loses) for her happiness.When someone we love comes to us and says to us, when you say or do this, it hurts me, please dont hurt me- we should WANT to not want to cause them hurt, heartache, pain, suffering, discomfort, sadness or betray the friendship or trust.Your Man is incapable of understanding this principle of HONOURING you. That is why you are unhappy and hurt and again, I stand by you and support you and DO HEAR what you have to say and VALIDATE you.Some things you do have to take a stand, especially when you are communicating your needs and the why of it is reasonable. Intentions of hurting you or not- he does and currently is and THAT, regardless of what the others have to voice, is what I address.Just like we are told to say no to bullying, unkindness or we say no to sexual abuse, sexual assault, or rape, so we can also say NO to another that hurts us or betrays the friendship. Its the principle. Yet so few are not taught by parents about such things, to the core or foundation of a thought process and why something becomes an issue of concern.BF is unwilling to hear you and put you First.I get you OP. I'm with you all the way.*hugs*
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I think this could be a good jumping off point for you to work on how you communicate with him. Part of the issue of your hurt feelings is that you sat on them for 3 weeks and allowed them to fester. This may all have been a big nothing had you talked to him right away.
"Babe, I saw the pictures of your ex-wives on your timeline and I have to be honest that I don't quite know how I feel about that. There is something about it that makes me uneasy. I want to understand what I'm feeling and it would help me if we talked about this for a bit." Stay very neutral and approach it from a perspective of love and acceptance and I expect you may be surprised at the outcome.
If you can't talk about something right away, then perhaps you have to think about your communication habits and how to alter them so that you maximize loving messages while dealing with things that bother you. Mashing over these irritations in your head generally only serves to grow them beyond their actual importance into something of a crisis. My experience is that men appreciate immediate, calm feedback.
I think this may be a great teaching moment for you both. Good luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Well, with the whole "Timeline change" it does make sense but why didn't her just tell you that right off the bat?
Hope you two get it sorted out.
I swear FB is the debil!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Yep Miamine is right… facebook is forcing this.
And I see NO Problem with using a printout of this site as a jumping off point for discussion.
And his response is JUST FINE in my opinion… and OP it’s clear he cares about you and wants to figure out how to help you work this through.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 February 2012):
 HI
I find it quite strange, as it seems you both have sorted this out, and used our site to humour yourselfs, not get advice wether it be possitive or negative. Sometimes in life we hear things we dont want to hear and that is the truth. So heres some truths.....I think you both need to grow up and let the genuine people who actually want and sometimes need our advice take up out time and efforts. not play some sort of cluedo mind game with eachother or us. This is a genuine site for genuine people, being mocked at our effots is a pathetic attempt to get away from the fact here, and that is, you now feel silly for worrying about your partners pictures, spoke to him about it, and now your trying to get back in his good books by moking our help. He wins, you loose, and you both need to get a life!
you.... It has made me feel very uncomfortable. But he says they're staying and it's my problem that I feel the way I do. It has caused bad feeling, but I'm trying to accept it.
you.... I felt rather humiliated, and now I know my feelings are reciprocated by the majority on here. Still not too sure how to play this with my man yet.
you....Boy, it seems a can of worms has been opened..First I need to emphasise that I have never asked or demanded that my bf remove the photos from either his phone or his fb That goes against everything I believe in. He chose to put them on and he can choose whether to keep them on or take them off.
your a very cunfused women!!!
him........( so you say )At the end of the day my current girlfriend represents the now and my future, I love her with all my heart (which she knows) - her insecurities need to be addressed but not to the extent of my free will.
your insecurites!!!!HIS free will!!!!! looks like a match made in heaven do you think? if you want to live your life as a yes girl, and let him live his life as a single free will man ,as what he says goes......good luck with that!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Thank you for that
I see this as a serious site for people in distress, people come on here when at their lowest and ask for advice. Its a public forum and therefore people get answers they like and dislike. Then take what they need from the answers.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2012):
 *Nods to chalice... ok understand timeline"....
Correction: original message deleted due to new information
Facebook, will force people to get old pictures out for the new stupid timeline. My friends are starting to put up old pictures from school and childhood. All over facebook people are starting to build a history, and that includes ex's. The phone ones are different, but I supposed once you got them old pictures electronic, you might as well stick them up everywhere.
His explanation is valid. Why now? Because stupid facebook is forcing us to change the way we behave. This is going to cause more relationship problems, so I'm guessing we will have more issues like this on Dear Cupid.
*NEW TIMELINE - Easier to find things, ability to recover everything you ever said, ever done, easily, record all the events in your life, never to be forgotten*... it's going to cause problems.. sigh
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoy, it seems a can of worms has been opened..First I need to emphasise that I have never asked or demanded that my bf remove the photos from either his phone or his fb That goes against everything I believe in. He chose to put them on and he can choose whether to keep them on or take them off.
When I came across the pics, I sat on my feelings for a few weeks, trying to assess my own reactions, but in the end i felt i needed to tell him how I felt. I just wanted to know why he had felt the need to put them on, when they had never been there before..and this is his phone as well as his fb.I wanted him to understand how uncomfortable seeing them there had made me feel. But under no circumstances had I asked or demanded that he remove them. I would love him to remove them, of course. It's not easy seeing your man cuddling up to his ex-wife on what you know was their wedding day. I know these women are not a threat to me, I just felt there had been an air of arrogance by my man, with no thought as to how seeing these pics might affect me. I am by nature a pretty sensitive person, something he does know about me, though he sometimes confuses that with insecurity.
I know in myself, that if I had wanted to put pics of my ex hubby on fb or my phone, I would have discussed this with my bf first - simply because I respect his opinion, I love him, and wouldn't want to hurt him unintentionally.
People here have suggested that I have used this site as a poll, and yes I guess i did. My original question was whether I was right in feeling upset or over-reacting as my bf had suggested. My bf and I both agreed that asking friends would have been counter-productive as they would probably agree with 'their' friend. Which is why I thought asking random anonymous people their opinion I would get a better perspective. On the whole I appreciated the views of everyone, even those that don't agree with me. Reading advice and views from impartial people is quite therapeutic.When I showed my bf the results of this, it wasn't to brag "see", but for him to better idea of how I was feeling. I am not treating this as a competition, really.
I have indeed looked at this from his perspective, but after 3 weeks of sitting on it and thinking about it, my pain had not gone and it needed to be talked about. I guess, maybe had he talked to me about putting them on I may have got a better handle on it, but, he didn't and when i came across them, it shocked and upset me.
I love my boyfriend very much, he has some amazing qualities, which is why I'm still here. But unfortunately it now feels we have a nemesis between us, which I'm now not sure how can be resolved,an answer that makes us both haappy.
All I know is I feel a lot better from discussing this with you all, as I realised I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.
As for 'worldlywise'...you just come across as aggresive and nasty and no help at all, so go away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): I hope he puts even more photos up, if you have to come on here to gather back-up for your demands - then you need to look at your relationship.
If you had handled it differently he may have removed them, but to be honest - why should he? These women are EX wives, part of his life, his history - maybe they shaped him into the man he is now. Its good he thinks of them without anger, and that he thought you could handle it, as your his 'now' lady. You said he has no contact with them so wheres the problem?
Now ...do you want to Poll us on who should put the garbage out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): I agree with your bf. Sorry OP. Maybe if you had not made such a big deal of it he would have happily taken some of them down if you had made a simple low key request rather than making a drama out of it.
If people are presented with a choice and given the freedom not to do what you want, in the end they may actually choose to do what you want if it's not made into such a big deal to them with so much at stake.
but if told they should not have a choice and should just do what you want (because their view is the 'wrong' way according to you) then you're creating an antagonistic dynamic, making this into a high-stakes issue, and pushing the other person into a corner where now they have to defend their views and not compromise, and it's not because of the actual issue itself, but because now they are defending their own freedom and right to CHOOSE rather than be dictated to.
You came on here to get opinions which is fine if you used it for your own personal reflection and as a sounding board for how you should handle your relationship. but then you used it as a public opinion poll to show to him for the express purpose of trying to pressure him into doing what you want. Your attitude is "see, I asked a bunch of strangers for their opinion and they all sided with me, therefore you need to do what I want!" This is hardly a good way to handle conflict in relationships. would you want him to take down the FB photos simply because a bunch of strangers on the internet sided with you and not because he actually thought there is a good reason for him to?
Why aren't you seeking to respect and accept his perspective? instead you want him to respect and accept yours AND you make this problem into a public opinion poll to try and pressure him. If you were more understanding and respectful of his views maybe he would be more understanding and respectful of yours and you could have reached a resolution on this, but now it's become this polarized issue where no one can budge on their position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): When in a relationship, you No longer should have a ME mentality, its a WE mentality for it to endure. As soon as you think, me, me, me- its set to terminate.
A loving, unified couple work together and you put your woman first and foremost as she does that for you.
There is free will and there is respect and honouring the woman you love. When one is being excercised in love and righteousness and not selfish, but selfless.
You are being hurtful regardless your argument of my intentions are pure bull crap. Intentions don't matter snot, its ACTIONS and WORDS that align to make a man of INTEGRITY.
This time line is not that.
Chica, I'd walk. If he can't hear you now and understand why you hurt and the why of the intentions and when to let his pride and ego down for the love of his woman; he won't get it down the road. Its the principle of the matter and he does not hold it true.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter sending my boyfriend a copy of your replies, he has asked me to post this in response.
Post This as my response: These photos are not intended to be antagonistic in any way. These are a simple response to the timeline change on Facebook and nothing else. These photos represent my history, and they are certainly not trophy pictures. I loved these woman but they represent my past, which I am not ashamed of. At the end of the day my current girlfriend represents the now and my future, I love her with all my heart (which she knows) - her insecurities need to be addressed but not to the extent of my free will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm overwhelmed with the responses I have received fro all of you. It has made me feel heaps better about my own take on this. I felt rather humiliated, and now I know my feelings are reciprocated by the majority on here. Still not too sure how to play this with my man yet. I may have to show him all your views. Thankyou so much.
A couple of questions were asked about whether I'm on his FB, yes I appear in four pics, but I am not on his phone, whilst the exes are. There are no children with either of these women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Men and women view such things differently for sure.I have very little photos or memories from my childhood due to being raised in foster care. So to me, photos are HUGE and have GREAT MEANING.In some ways, you seem worried that BF put the photos up to preen like his Exs are trophies and attest to his manliness and he derives value, pleasure, recognition from 'having' those women. That does sound like guy mentality to do something like that and yes, what woman that wants her man to be proud of being with her and holding her in such esteem; would not be upset by that?Just guys dont get the whole, forsake all others and put no one before her but they sure in hell expect us to do that for them. Its such a double standard.I say you are reading his intent correctly. There is turmoil in the relationship and that he added them is significant because its a timeline of who he dated. Why have need for that if you are with the one you want to be with? Such things should be let go and should not have equal importance and matter when he is with the One he Wants a Life with. Then all other women should not matter a damn and he should NOT have need for those photos or the timeline.Its the actions based on his thought process revealed. He's not as serious, loving, or committed to do such a thing and it being recent. INSENSITVE, CLUELESS JERK.Bottom line, a man that loves and honours his woman, can and would gladly give up the photos if it means her happiness and if he is aware it distresses her and causes her pain and/or unhappiness. Its something easy to ask and easy to do. That he won't- is the problem.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2012):
I think he put them up there "all of a sudden" to make you feel insecure in the relationship. It's mind games 101.
Honestly, I wouldn't give a flying hoot who my hubby puts on FB (I don't check his FB) but if he all of a sudden started to add his ex's pictures I would question it. And just because they are part of his past doesn't mean he has to "share" that on FB.
Does he have kids with any of his ex-wives?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Dont put up with his shit. If he is happy to be with you he wouldnt want a reminder of his past. Photos of ex's are usually torn up or put in the spare room with the rest of the storage. If he feels the need to show off his past women it leaves a big question mark. He doesnt even care what you think about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): put photos of an ex up and see how he reacts to it. its disrespectful. how do his ex's feel about it too? do they know? they may not be as proud of their old association with him as he is. red flag.
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male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Its not exactly the accepted way of doing things if he was serious about you. Yes, you`v got good reason to be pissed off.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 February 2012):
HI
the fact that they have JUST gone on there, and his been blatant and rude about it suggests he still habours feelings for these women. I dont think your over reacting at all. If he wants nothing else to say about it, and say's it's your problem if you feel that way, I would question where he wants your relationship to lead, if he is like this to you now, what will he be like if YOU were to be married to him?. I think there is a bigger reason as to why his been divorced twice! and a weird reason as to why he is now putting the pictures up!
Mandy x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. He put them on within the last month. I have never felt like this before, and I'm finding it very disconcerting. He cant/won't see it from my point of view. On top of it all, we recently had a brief split and are at this moment trying again. I love him to bits, but find it strange that he would do this at this moment in time.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
If he JUST did it I'd be pissed too... if they were already there I'd not be upset.
I'd wonder why ALL OF A SUDDEN it's important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): While I do find it very odd that he would put up pictures of them,if he has no friendship or contact with them, then try not to worry about it. This is why Facebook causes so much confusion and trouble with people's relationships....only IF you let it.
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female
reader, babylove2010 +, writes (23 February 2012):
I also have photos on my facebook of my ex partner who is also my son`s father and they are there simply because he is part of the happy times in my past,we have zero contact he`s even blocked me from his facebook but its not about him its about me,my boyfriend knows they are there and he was upset for a time but now couldn`t care less has he knows i love him and my future is with him
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Your over reacting.
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