A
female
age
41-50,
*valina
writes:I met the man of my dreams, but was simply too afraid of expressing my true emotions due to lack of courage, fear of rejection and my insecurities. I asked him to go easy on me because I was so overwhelmed by his intensity, but he would not listen to what I was saying. Don´t get me wrong, I´m a very intense person myself, and because of that intensity I have put some men off in the past. Wouldn´t want to repeat the same mistakes, but as it turns out, this did not apply to this guy. He wanted the intensity, only I wasn´t ready to return the favor quite that soon.Also the fact that he is separated (for 6 months now) and has children made me feel insecure (I´ve had past bad experiences dating a man with a kid). This lead me to become really hurtful and mean to him... saying he wasn´t what I was looking for and that we had no future together, stupid I know. In the early days of our relationship he happened to say that his soon to be ex-wife was the love of his life... but adding "so far" at the end. He kept insisting I was the woman of his dreams, his future... I tried to even break up with him so I could get some time to sort out my feelings, but he managed to talk me out of it. He said he wanted to spend Christmas with me, and that no matter what, his feelings for me would never change..Then I pushed it too far with getting upset about him not being able to spend Christmas with me after all... He wanted to, I know he did, but he also had to go and see his son to tell him about him and his mother getting a divorce. The reason he could not see me was because there were no ferries to where he was going on Christmas Day, so it really wasn´t his fault. I acted so badly when he called and told me the news... I completely flipped and said some very hurtful things to him. Very unacceptable behaviour and not something I would normally do...The last time I saw him was before New Year´s when he came by. I gave him a letter explaining how I really felt for him, and that I wished he would give me a chance to prove it. He said I could still call him, but that he needed time. But as soon as he left I tried to call him and sms him that same night and the next morning, but he never answered... I really needed to talk to him, but he got even more upset and said I had pushed it too far this time, and that my last chance had just expired. The reason I wanted to talk to him was because I had found out I was pregnant and really needed his support... My friend advised me to tell him about what was really going on, and why I´d been so extremely touchy for the past 2 weeks. Well, he was shocked and said he didn´t believe it and asked me what I would do? I told him not to worry about it... All this via sms.He now say he has no feelings for me anymore - that I killed it all. And that there were too many ups and downs in his marriage and that he doesn´t need that anymore. It is hard for me to comprehend how someone can fall out of love in less than a week. Especially after I did open up to him completely about how I felt. Something that is very difficult for me to do, especially in such an early stage of the relationship (less than 2 months)... I just needed some time to process my feelings. I do not want to lose this man, never did, but I just wasn´t ready to dive in head first. He is honestly the nicest and kindest man I´ve ever known. I felt so safe and comfortable with him, eventhough I was not ready to open up completely. I rarely fall in love, but when I do, I fall hard and I stay there.Should I just admit my defeat and let him go?
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female
reader, Avalina +, writes (12 January 2008):
Avalina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI´m an emotional trainwreck now...As it turns out, my ex (yes, he most definitely falls into that category now) after breaking up with me on 28DEC, went over to my best friends house and then met her neighbor, whom I´m friends with too... and he´s now seeing her! The really absurd thing is that I was over at her place tonight (!) and we were discussing my relationship and the abortion I had on Monday, and how he did not take responsibility for it, nor did he support me when I needed him the most. I was openly telling her about my feelings, on how much my ex meant to me and how I would give up almost anything to be with him. She even had the nerve to tell me I should give him some time!!After I got home my ex called me and told me that he was seeing her now, and that he was really happy in his new relationship!!! I feel SO numb. I mean, how can he do that to me? And furthermore, how could she do that knowing he had just broken up with me?!? I feel so betrayed, stupid and hurt. The thing is, he lives in Germany and I live in Belgium - could he not at least have had the decency to start seeing someone somewhere else? What about respecting the fact that our relationship had just ended, and perhaps given some time before jumping into another relationship? He keeps telling me that he loved me, but that I just didn´t respond to his love as he expected me to, and that is why he ended it...He also asked me if I had said something bad about him to his new gf... apparently she wants to have a talk with him tomorrow (Yes, he is coming here to spend his birthday and to be with her...). I mean duh, why would I have said bad things about him...?!? I didn´t even know they were seeing each other! Has he gone completely insane???? Or did I really hurt him so badly that he feels the need to get even with me??? I just don´t know what to think anymore... i´m so confused :(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): Whoa! I just read this and I want to respond b/c he sounds like he has some SERIOUS red flags. After all you wrote you ended the paragraph by saying he's so nice and kind but first of all telling someone that you have no feelings for them a.) is pretty cruel, and b) especially when they have just said they were feeling down because you just found out you're pregnant and needed his support.
Believe me when I say that nice men don't tell you they feel nothing for you when you need them most but abusive men will. Compassionate men are concerned about anyone that is needing support whether they are in a relationship or not. I don't think you should have said hurtful things but he didn't need to respond by being cruel.
Plus, nice guys don't throw your anxieties which are normal for everyone in your face by turning it into an insult calling it 'insecurities' but verbally abusive men will. Instead of throwing all the blame on you for the 'ups and downs', he should have taken responsibility for a) having an ex-wife he's still involved with that he references in loving terms like 'the love of his life' which would make any woman question his feelings, and he should have taken responsibility for bringing his own baggage which also leads to the 'ups and downs' that you spoke of.
Personally, I hope that you let him go because I think he doesn't sound like he's worth your friendship - you told him you needed support, that you were vulnerable, and he was unbelievably insensitive and cruel when you needed him the most. There are a million guys out there that would be happy to be your friend as well as your boyfriend/husband whatever. And, isn't that the point? In the most simplest terms, don't you want someone who will be your friend and kind to you?
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A
male
reader, gnu  +, writes (3 January 2008):
I've experienced very similar feelings and situations in my current relationship. I'm a divorced father as well - my ex-wife had 2 children when I met her and we had a little girl together who I have full custody of, and which her mother isn't involved. I can't speak for your man, but I know from experience that when you fail in a relationship, regardless of the reason, it's very difficult to jump in to another head first. Love and relationships both require each person involved to give 110%+ no matter what is said, not said, done or not done. My fiancee has done and said things similar to you (just a guess of course I don't know all the details with your situation) and every time it takes a little away from the trust, respect and general positiveness of the relationship. If you're interested, search for the questions I've asked here to get a better idea of what I mean.Anyway, your man has asked for time away to think. Being a man, I know how he feels and what he needs. Give him some space - don't assume the worst and try to have as much faith in him as you can. Instead of telling him how you feel and what he means to you, do whatever it takes to show him... I've always believed actions speak louder then words - even though words can cut like knives. He knows you've said and done things out of anger and jealousy (don't be hard on yourself we're all only human) so try to prove to him you feel differently. If he doesn't answer the phone, leave him a message saying that you apologize and that you respect and love him, and that you're there if (believe me if he meant what he said about how he feels for you, he'll need you soon) he needs you.Sometimes it's hard to accept such intense feelings and emotions from out loved ones. When those things get rejected or aren't returned (giving as much as we get) we start to question things - Why am I not getting as much as I give? Did I do something wrong? Is he/she up to something bad? Does he/she truly feel and love me as much as they've told me? If so, why can't he/she prove it? The bottom line is that if your heart belongs to him, he'll realize it and come back. Just reassure him and prove through actions that you're the real deal, that your relationship won't end like his marriage did, and that your love for him is as it should be - unconditional. I hope this helps a bit - give what you get and be strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): he was never in love in the first place,trust me
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