A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyrfriend didn't talk to me last week because he needed to clear his head. It was okay that he needed some space, but I just felt out of the loop when he failed to communicate this to me. Well I took the time to think about things too, and I realized that I really do love him and if we ever broke up I'm not sure I would find someone who made me happy like he did. And I also realized that I really want to be a better person, and I'm going to start new hobbies and looking at things more positively. I don't know what it is, maybe because I went to church and the message was perfect for how I was feeling, but I am feeling more refreshed and happy about life. I know I would be sad if he left, but I feel like I'm seeing life in a new light. I just feel happy. So, I saw him today and we had a conversation about what was going on. I told him how I felt about us, and I worry about things too, but at the end of the day I am still happy. He then told me he didn't want to be unfair to me and sometimes he has his doubts but he really loves me. He hasn't dated a lot like I have, so sometimes he wonders if there is someone else out there. At the time I told him that all couples have their struggles, and everyone worries, but if your happy at the end of the day and still love who your with then why wouldn't you want to be together? Its called faith. He agreed and told me he still wants me, he still loves me, he still thinks we're a great fit and still wants to see where we will end up in the future. Well now that we had makeup sex and parted for work, I am wondering if I said the right thing. Was I trying to convince him of something? Do I need to let him go so he can figure out what he wants? If I do let him find out for himself that there really isn't anyone better out there, I don't know if I could take him back. We already agreed that breaking up and getting back together in relationships isn't healthy, so would he really stay with me if he's unsure? Or settle with me? At first, I thought this conversation settled some doubts, but now I'm even more confused. I was expecting him to leave me, and was preparing for it mentally, but now that we have admitted we still love each other I don't know what to do. It's only brought up more questions and I really want to be positive. Why am I being difficult?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question There comes a point in a relationship when you stop playing those games, though, right? I don't want to tie him down, I want him to be happy and know what he wants. One minute he will tell me one thing, then the next he's worried that he's missing something. But maybe you are right, the chase is what is missing. So what? I just ignore him and wait for him to chase me everyday?
Hell, I think about other guys too and wonder what that would be like, becuase ya I miss the chase that you find in the beginning of a relationship, but I know it wouldn't be worth the risk by dropping him. That fire and chase that's in the beginning of any relationship fades a little.
And yes I'm happy with him. When he isn't happy, I'm not happy, that's how a connection works. I don't want to get married right now, by no means. I don't even bring it up, if it does get brought up its by him. I like doing my own thing, and I don't mind him doing his own thing.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 I notice that when you talk to him you are already mentioning how couples operate, basically marriage without using that word. He may not be in that stage yet to talk about it. You sound like you are so sure about him you want to tie him down. He's worried that once you are committed you expect him to do many things in the name of coupledom to keep you happy. That's when things get predictable and boring. Let him pursue you, when you let him control the pace of the relationship he will want to pursue you over and over again. The reason why he's thinking about other girls is because the thing that's missing is the excitement of the chase. Let it be you that he's going to chase day after day. You can find it easier to play that silly game when you are honest with yourself, "are you really so sure about he's the one? or is it your insecurity?" Positive thinking is good but sometimes it doesn't work when you use it to deny your true feelings and wants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I spent the whole day crying because I thought he was going to break up with me. After he got off work, he came over to tell me he still loves me and still wants to be with me, and hopes we can forget about last week. I was shocked, and I still feel confused, because this wasn't what I was expecting. I keep waiting for the "Gotcha!" to come out.
Should I just be happy and go with it?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 April 2010):
He's worried he can't give you the happiness you deserve. Either break up totally or stay with him. Don't let him string you along. This is not a chance for him to date other girls and come back to you when things don't work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked again and he says he loves me, he loves the idea of me and he loves everything I do, but sometimes he wonders about other girls. And he thinks he feels like something is missing. Everyone I have talked to has said thinking about other people is normal, but if your happy with the person your with, why would you leave? He doesn't want to regret it 10 years down the road that he let me go, the best woman he has found. Why is he so confused?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 April 2010):
From my experience, girls always want to spend more time with their boyfriends, while guys can live on sex alone and occasional chats (an exaggeration of course). 2 days without phone calls feel like 2 weeks for a girl but a guy can go on his business as usual and not feel distracted. He maybe feeling smothered by you and felt that the right girl shouldn't give him that feeling. Experienced guys know that girls are that way and are not afraid of setting boundaries as to when they want to meet, how much time to spend together whereas younger guys just go along with things, feel pressured, but would not say anything to upset the girl. They bottle up their feelings and then wonder why they are doubting the relationship.Your boyfriend may feel initimidated by you since you know more about how guys think and he doesn't have a clue. Guys like to be in charge, especially if they feel they should be the dominant sex. You just have to give him time to miss you. And when he does see you again say "thank you for stopping by. Enjoy your day."
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