A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 1/2 year doesn't treat me right. He's never laid a finger on me, but he's really possessive and gets angry at me. I know that he's like this because he's insecure, and in the past I haven't exactly been the best person. I have NEVER cheated on him, but he doesn't believe that and now at every opportunity, he accuses me of wanting to be unfaithful any time that I make plans to hang out with my friends (Which is really rare, because of how he reacts).He doesn't like me talking to any of my friends, he doesn't like me doing ANYTHING without him, and he just gets really moody whenever I do anything "wrong". It always ends up in a fight. We have a big fight every three/four days. I made the decision quite a while ago to leave him even though I love him. I can't be with him, because he's just trying to control me, and he is not being fair on me.We have both tried to get over these problems so that our relationship can be healthy, but most of the time that just involved me doing what he asks. This isn't fair because I have no problem with his friends, or anything that he wants to do outside of me (I've even encouraged that because I feel like he swamps me sometimes).So, I hope that everyone can agree with me in my decision to end it. The problem is that I have tried to break up with him before. He wouldn't stop calling/texting/emailing. He wouldn't leave me alone. All these messages contained a whole range of emotions; anger, threatening, begging, self-pitying. The problem is that I still love him, so after a while I feel sorry for him, and because I don't want to hurt him, I give him "one last chance"; I still love him. This probably has given him the idea that he can get anything he wants from me.Can anybody think of a better way for me to do this? A way to stop him making all those calls and actually understand what I'm saying? And if there's not, can you give me advice on how not to cave into him. I am REALLY unhappy in this relationship and any advice will be really useful.Thanks.
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male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (9 June 2007):
 You are doing the right thing by leaving him if you are not happy in the relationship.
His anxieties about you cheating seem to be unfounded and are rooted in his mind which only he can resolve. If you love someone it is never about controlling them, maybe controlling yourself and your actions but never the other person.
Everyone has a chance and the opportunity to change things they see in themselves and it is clear he doesnt see it that way. You need the trust and respect which he is not giving you and this can only lead to one place.
I can understand his range of emotions he is going through now, but the best thing you can do is just not give him an excuse. Do everything that he doesnt expect from you to show him you are changing and you are not standing for the unappropiate behaviour he has showed you in the relationship. Dont reply to his texts, phonecalls or e-mails and after a while he will have the silence forced upon him and will have to decide what to do then with his life.
In the meantime you try and re-build your life to gain your self-worth and restore your confidence again. I know a part of you still loves him but the wise part has spoken up and has told you are not happy where you are, so you need to be strong and stand your ground.
Start to go out with your friends again and use them to distract you from being alone and thinking about your current situation too much.
You have done the right thing here, his mistrust in you is not your fault.
R
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