A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I married a man who seemed perfect. We both have 2 children each. Everyone thinks he's perfect, my parents, my friends, I can't talk to any. After 1 year of marriage I found out he had been cheating on me b4 we married, when he and his kids moved into my house and after we married. He said he was remorseful and we went to counseling only to find out he was still cheating during counseling. He gave me an STD that could lead to cervical cancer. During this time, we discovered his oldest daughter was diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. I love all 4 of our children deeply and the oldest needs stability now more than ever. I own a very successful business and he retired 2 year after we married to take a 9-5 job not worthy of his abilities and less than 1/3 pay of his last job. I pay all the bills and its obvious he married me for $. I'm not happy in my marriage but I feel I have no choice for the children. I feel I've been trapped but I see no solution but live my life as a lie. Is it ok to live like this? Is there anyway out without making things worse for the oldest child (who is now 22 and will need to live at home forever)?
View related questions:
money, moved in, std, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (13 December 2009):
 There are resources for your oldest daughter; you may want to look into a semi-independent living situation for her. If life goes as it should, she will outlive you and your daughter needs to develop the skills--such as medication management--that will allow her to live independently and empower her to take responsibility for her own well-being. I applaud you for your concern for her and for thinking long-term about her care.
Once this has been set up for her, it will be easier for you to see your way out of this marriage.
A
female
reader, jasmin nisar  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 ive read your story and i dont think u should live the way u are if u dont love your husband anymore i understand u feel responsible for the children that also are not yours and thats natural 4 a women, men dont have the emotions we do. would u rather stick around knowing your children can sense your unhappy? the children will just go out of their minds with worry 4u, u can still be a good mother even if your not with his children all the time and if he loves his chilren as much as u do he will realise what hes done is wrong and just leave himself. in a situation like this i think i would always think of whats best for the kids b4 myself and thats what only u can decide im afraid but good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionquiet-echo.First thank you. I tried to reply to your questions but I don't see that it posted so let me try again.long story short is she has schizophrenia.As my children r/where much younger at the time I had no experience w mental illness and thought she was a crazy teen/pain in the butt. after moving in things became very aparent that all was not ok. Dentist appointments with no tooth enamal from bulemia,then finding out she was a cutter.I was scared to death. I eventually took the bathroom door off in her room.we took her to crisis center at hospitals and then finally a long term stay at a hospital specially for eating disorders where we found out that these were only symptoms of a much bigger problems. She is ok on meds but like most metally ill people thay think they are ok and then stop taking them and then issues start again.Its not her fault, its a condition that will have to be dealt with forever. She dates some, but once people find out you have this its not easy to keep them around.I don't know how you find someone to take this responsibilty on for a lifetime commitment via marriage. I have trusts already set up for her in my will but even that scares me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): Since right now you are in a position of strength with him willing to do everything to keep you, can you not use this as leverage to make him sign your daughter over to you as legal guardian in case of a divorce? Talk to your lawyer and find out what options are available. What I did in my case is I asked him for a separation to "give me time to think". I gave him a tiny grain of hope that it might be possible to reconcile so that he would leave the children in my stable environment. He was welcome to visit any time, eat dinner with us etc, but everytime he asked for an update on my "thinking", I just said I am going through counseling and I'm not ready, although I knew he was never coming back. After several months, I had built up a case for full custody because as men do, he stopped visiting eventually and I had, in the meantime, shown a pattern of responsibility. By that time, knowing he could visit any time, he did not want the encumberance of the kids to cramp his new found freedom. So don't pop the balloon, just deflate it ever so slightly over a few months, he won't even see it happening. What an ungrateful asshole!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlong story short is she suffers from schizophrenia. When I first started a relationship with my husband I thought that she was just a crazy teen (my children are much younger and I had no experience with this type of behavior). It wasn't until I they moved in I started putting the pieces together,it started slow-dentist saying she has no enamul on teeth (from bulimia)and then I found out she was a cutter (bikini area so it went unnoticed).I would come home afraid that I would find her dead in the tub.We had many crisis hospital visits and then we had her admitted to a hospital for eating disorders, this is where we found out that these were just symptoms of a very big problem. Jump ahead a few years, she is ok when she is taking her meds but then thinks she is ok and then stops taking them. I can usually pick up on it a couple weeks into it but they are scary moments.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you C. Grant for your reply. I don't have a physical relationship with my husband anylonger because of the risk of AIDs. Yes, I'm too young to give up on a natural sexual relationship but I feel my options at this point are limited. I have a prenup so I'm not concerned about a money issue but if I divorce him, he would be legal guardian for our oldest (his oldest) and I would end up paying for him to live in another home, because he couldn't afford to, and worry that she is being taken care of properly. I've spoken to my attorney and I would have no legal rights to be with her.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (12 December 2009):
 It's bad enough that he is willing to live by mooching from you. But the infidelity and STDs? That's beyond the Pale.
I commend you for having bonded so well with his kids, and with your concern for the eldest. You're right that they need stability. On the other hand, what if your doctor hadn't found the HPV? What if next time it's HIV? If your health is compromised, the kids won't be well cared for either.
Your husband sounds like seriously bad news, and you're too young to condemn yourself to an unhappy life. If you don't feel you can ever trust him again (and no one could blame you for that), then divorce him and kick him out. It's a shame for his daughter that he blew it with a woman who would have ensured that she got good care and attention, but it's *his* fault. Protect yourself.
...............................
|
