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female
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anonymous
writes: Hey. This might be long. I need advice on how to be stronger, and more emotionally firmer in my long distance relationship coz its very special, and has so much potential,but I'm the one doing the chaising, all the calling,the apologising, "for some reason" when i did nothing wrong and all the effort seems to be coming from my side, and i look and feel stupid, and ALWAYS predictable.My boyfriend, has a very high powered senior position in the company that he works for, and when it gets busy, there is no time at all for me, no time to talk to me, text me, nor even email me, and I'm pissed off. He gets many emails from clients, and friends, and his friends get responses before I get one, and I'm like the last to get an answer-IF ANY!My problem is that i feel insecure, and need constant reassurance from him, and I hate that I feel that way. I don't hear from him, he's always got no air time, and when I call either he cant take my call at work as he is tooooooooooooo busy, and when I call at home, he is sleeping.He's been giving me the silent treatment which he always does to me, making me think that I've done something wrong, which I DID NOT. Apparently its coz of work, and its hectic, but its so hectic that he cant email his girlfriend- but others he can?I tried calling him in the morning, to wake him, and I couldn't get through, as i didn't get a ringing tone, so I tried again so I could get through, eventually he answers, saying, it had better be an emergency, as I've called several time, and cut the call. I said that I didn't know it rang, as I thought I wasn't getting through, right he didn't talk to me, gave me the silent treatment, and I was the only one talking, and EXPLAINING myself.I haven't called since, nor text, nor emailed, as he hurt me YET AGAIN, and he hasn't got the time of day for me, so why should i always be there the moment he calls and emails, which I should add is VERY RARE.He manipulates me, and when this happens I doubt myself, and everything I did, and do, and I feel stupid, and not good enough, and feel that its all my fault, but I did nothing wrong, all he does is work, and he has no time for me, when i complain, he threatens me, with saying that this isn't working, and I find myself begging, and pleading, its like it's easier for him to break off our relationship- but he seems to do this when a problem arises, and he has declared that he loves me more than life itself.We love each other so much, and when We saw each other last month, we got engaged before he went back to work overseas.I'm tired of being the fool, and looking desperate, it feels as though he can mess me around, not make the effort to contact me, coz im the one that does that from my side, and when I stress out he knows that I want and need him, and he withdraws himself leaving me all on my own crying coz i dunno what to do. and he is always busy with work, and i don't want to add to his STRESS.When he hurts me, he knows that I only want him, and he knows that i love him, and he loves me, and I always need reassurance which he holds back when i need it most, and when i get shut out, i don't know what's going on.I want to hurt him, and make him feel vulnerable, and make him wonder what i'll do next, but he might be a bastard and say this isn't working, and we move on. WHAT DO I DO-What hurts me, is that when he is in a good mood, and everything is going his way, he always tells me how much he loves me, and that he wants to grow old with me, and marry me, have kids with me, and that he can't and won't be with anyone else other than me, as I'm his soulmate.but when he is under stress i get ignored, manipulated, and insulted, and when i try to support him, he's too busy. and when i become more persistent he shuts me out.What must i do, coz when i confront him, he gets offended, and threatens to end it.THANKS
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): You need to stop e-mailing-stop phoning-stop chasing and start thinking rationally, dear. He's simply not worth your pain. You keep giving and nothing is coming back, hun. If nothings is coming back, there isn't anything there, is there. Your insecurities, your fears of losing him are controlling your every thought and movement, in this relationship. Get a hold of that. He's taking full advantage and he's doing an interesting piece of work on you. He disrespects you and your insecurities have so wrongly given him license to treat you like crap. It's not right and it will worsen. In my opinion, he sounds uncommitted, self-centered and your posting paints a clear picture of a man who profoundly disrespects you and possibly does not love you, in the way you deserve. You are a woman who is experiencing a painful, toxic love. Love does not fix personality problems. Real love is a two-way street, an equal commitment between a man a woman. Many women try to rationalize a man's poor behaviour by putting a 'bandage' on his personality and his bad behaviours, which they cannot fix. Love is supposed to make us come alive, look forward to life and a future with our partners. And mutual respect is foundational. This isn't happening here. Your resentments, your anger, your frustration, your self-doubts...are caused by his lack of caring and your inability to set tough boundries on what you type of treatment you will tolerate. This should have been in place, right off the start of this relationship. How he is behaving with you right now is the best behavior you can expect from him, unless he makes some dramatic changes to his way of thinking. Usually, as intimacy increases a couple binds closer together, leaving others behind. In the best of worlds, they make each other their best friend. This isn't occurring here. Women should never feel guilt, regret or demeaned for voicing their feelings. Your feelings are to be respected . But when you express your thoughts, he shuts you out. This gives you an enormous amount of information about who he is. Now, if you want to live a miserable life with a difficult, selfish man, well, I can’t talk you out of it. I recommend, however, you marry a man for happiness, kindness, joy, peace, and reciprocated love. You will not get it with this man. All his excuses, his lack of caring are little polite rejections and I think you need to 'face this' rather than keep denying it. When men don't love anymore, some are not afraid of ruining the relationship and I feel, this is the game he's playing because he cannot be honest with you. Showing little remorse over the pain he caused, reveals a lot about this guy’s true nature. If you stay with him, you're, in effect, saying, "it's perfectly acceptable for you to treat me badly." while all the time, he drains your spirit and he continually treats you like a doormat. Unless he changes, it's probably what you'll continue getting. So stop calling him and stick to it. I believe, when a man truely loves a women, he will move mountains to contact her no matter how busy his day is. He will center his love and life on her. So if he truely loves you, he hasn't forgotten that, so put down the phone and refrain from e-mailing him. If doing this, seriously jeopardizes the relationship, then accept that, move on, face the pain of loss, recover and realize, you gave it your best shot. So rethink this relationship and perhaps consider backing off.. Stop calling him and stick to it. I believe, when a man truely loves a women, he will move mountains to contact her no matter how busy his day is. He will center his love and life on her. So if he truely loves you, he hasn't forgotten that, so put down the phone and refrain from e-mailing him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): If he is threatening to end it whenever you bring up the fact that he isn't treating you right, I would call that a big sign that he doesn't truly care about the relationship. As you said he tells you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but when he threatens you to end it then does he really care after all.
If he doesn't have time for you now, maybe he will never have time for you so your best bet may be to find someone who connects with you better.
If you still do wish to stay with him, which it sounds like you do, I would suggest you try to get couples counseling. It seems odd that when you try to confront him he gets offended, especially if it is him who purposely stops talking to you. Going to couples counseling may be the best bet for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): The relationship is incompatible because you require someone who would put you first above everything. He has commitments in his company. Especially in a senior management position, the responsibilities are quite massive. Stress and pressure from work can make anyone - male and female avoid everything else.
Even though things seem perfect when he's not stressed, etc, he will continue to put his work and career first. Unless something dramatic happens and he changes. What you require is someone who isn't responsible enough in his career, and someone who probably works in a lower position.
This sounds familiar... [sigh]
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