A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How should I react? Sometimes my bf likes to have his space...there are days when he just wants to be by himself...this hurts my feelings because I can spend 24 hours with him, no problemsIt is a source of conflict...he says I dont trust him and I am welcome to check on him anytime...he just likes to zone out at home, sip wine, and listen to soft music. (I know this is true, I have checked him at times...but still my feelings are hurt)Because why do I miss him more than he misses me?However he will always call to say goodnight and ask how my day was even if I dont see him...am I unreasonable? I feel if someone loves you they want to be with you all the time! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011): "I feel if someone loves you they want to be with you all the time! "This is not true and it's not actually healthy. different people have different comfort levels with personal space and sharing the company of others, even their significant others. You just need to recognize that your bf is not the same person as you, he has his own preferences and needs and wants, as do you. he's already accommodating you to some degree, so you need to accommodate him too. if however you feel a serious disconnect with him then it may be better to break up and find someone else who has a more similar level of desire/need for closeness as you. And not be trying to change your current bf to be different from what he is.my husband is more needy and clingy to me while I'm more independent by nature. For many years our marriage was suffocating me to the point I was ready to leave him. He has improved (with the help of a counselor) and started giving me more space and thus I have started to feel less suffocated in the relationship, more relieved and thus more comfortable in life in general. we're still trying to find that balance where we can both feel OK with each other's company or lack thereof.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): Seems to be the ongoing theme today, Introverts and Extroverts as well as some Females need down time differing from mens down time or how they cope with stress. So its the natures that are at play here and nothing more. Possibly some abandonment issues but, thinking its the other two.
This is actually a normal thing that most women tend to do and not realize its a form of self sabotage. That they start to think a man doesn't love them and feel alienated from their man when the man goes into the 'man cave' as John Gray Phd describes in his Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. ADORE that book!
"One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved."
I will forward you a link that you can read over chapter 3 and see if it will lend you some insight. I'm thinking it will. Also, one on Introverts and Extroverts.
So Very Confused gave a good example how to manage and work together for a possible solution.
Even though the BF seems to still let you know he loves and cares for you by his nightly call to say goodnight. Very thoughtful.
In the End, if these links and reading and learning don't put you at ease, then really examine the WHY you feel he should be around you 24/7 and maybe in the end, you are unable to accept this dynamic and need a man more willing to be physically and emotionally available for you. IF this is the case, I'd say you have some underlying abandonment issues and should seek some counselling to address that now so it doesnt snowball into something you can no longer manage.
INTROVERTS/EXTROVERTS
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/221187/when_introverts_and_extroverts_fall_pg3.html?cat=72
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
(read chapter 3)
http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/21230179/1805388939/name/ladies.pdf
I hope this was of help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): NO dear, when someone do what your BF does is b/c they reached a point on the relationship where they know they love someone enough to have a life and that someone at the same time. YOU need to have your life too so when you two meet can put those "alone" times together. That's what is so nice to share.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2011):
 oh dear NO.... they can't be with you all the time.. it's not sane or healthy... down time is critical for all people.
Now I have to admit before the bf and I were living together if we didn't have daily CONTACT I was sad... and felt unloved... and I let him know I NEEDED some form of daily contact... he did not think it was necessary for him but he did it for me. so we ended up some days (being an LDR relationship at the time) with "good morning" wake up calls (that lasted 30 seconds) and my "bedtime tuck in call" which could go anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours depending on the day....
NOW.. he and I are living together and while we see each other every day.. we take a LOT of down time from each other... for example yesterday... after work hours, he was on his computer and I was doing my thing in our house (on a different floor) but at 9 pm we came together to cuddle and watch a tv show for half an hour then back to his thing... tonight will be much of the same, I have something to do after work and he has his online game updates to deal with so it's another... "hi, let's have dinner and kiss goodbye and I'll see you when you come to bed" he wakes me to kiss me good night and cuddle me (I don't mind in case folks think this is mean it was my request).... but before we were livign together I missed him a lot when he took his "down time" but then it made him realize how much he wanted and missed me.
Apparently it's been said that women fall in love from spending time together, men fall in love from spending time apart... and it seems to make sense to me.
I think personally as long as he calls daily and checks in with you and it's not a trust issue you need to accept this is a limitation of this man... some people need more alone time than others... does NOT mean he does not love you as much as you love him, just that he has different needs...
Now I see down time as a way to recharge and miss me...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Thiese phrases are the crux of your submittal:
1. "...am I unreasonable?" Yes.
2. "I feel if someone loves you they want to be with you all the time!" That is not necessarily "love"... it is "welded together"...... and many people do NOT call that "love".... they call it unnecessary neediness.
Strike a balance... and be happy that you have a great B/F who is just right for you in so many other ways...
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): Cerberus gave you the best answer. Sometimes people just need time to themselves. I am one of those people. My first boyfriend thought we needed to spend all of our time together, and in the end our relationship didn;t last long only 4 moths. I loved him, but I needed time for myself and I felt smothered. It isn;t that you miss him mor4e than he misses you, he kust needs time to himself. My Dad used to go up to the garage and spend a couple of hours up there listening to music and tinkering. It was his time and my parents were married for 50 long and happy years until he passed. Don't make this into a conflict, accept that he needs time to himself, not because he needs to get away from you, he just needs time with himself, and in the end that time will make your relationship stronger if you give him that time. Good Luck.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 November 2011):
 if he gets his "alone time" to recharge his batteries and renew his inner spirit then he is going to be a much more contented partner.
Some people crave company.
Some people crave some alone time.
You each enjoys aspects of each other. He probably loves how much you enjoy company and how appreciative you are of his company.
And while you miss him and time with him is very important to him, he needs to be alone and then enjoys the rush of returning to you. We are all a little different in so many ways.
A part of who he is needs this time to himself. He uses it to reflect and think deeply. There are people who call it meditation or reflection. Some even develop new business ventures in their head. But most just use it for the regular reason - to relax.
Whereas those people who need the assuring presence of their loved one do find it very very hard to understand the motivation behind the behavior of those who don't need as much company.
He will appreciate it if you can try to keep busy with something that satisfies you. Even a new hobby or a project that is achieveable and dear to your heart. A project you can do alone or with others. That latter example would be some volunteering on a project that is close to home, mixing with others also volunteering.
And maybe with time he will also seek to spend more of his thinking time with you present.
We are all different and one of the interesting things about getting to know your love is finding out what makes them tick and what they need to feel at peace with the world. And learning to trust who they are even where their actions or solutions are not the ones we would choose. But we still love them all the same.
And do not check on him at all. Trust is essential. Once you don't trust you are either right or you are wrong. But either way it hurts the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): It's not unreasonable to feel that way but it is illogical OP. I'm an 'alone time' person too OP. Sometimes I need a break from the world to just lie there and do nothing but be alone with my own thoughts. It's a very important part of my personality and it is nothing to do with anyone else and frankly I have no choice but to do it either. If I don't get my alone time, my generally gentle, kind, helpful and thoughtful demeanour can be overwhelmed by external influences and I can easily get testy. So to keep that in check I take time outs. OP it sounds to me your boyfriend may be a similar kind of person to me, one with a very active, analytical brain that needs to take time out sometimes to process all the things going on in there.
Of course he misses having you there but it sounds like he understands that missing someone is a healthy part of a relationship, that spending too much time together can smother a relationship especially for a person who likes to take time out from life every now and again to relax, relieve stress and recharge.
He is still thinking about you, he calls and wants to talk to you so it's not a break from you he wants. I have a feeling that's what you think. That he somehow doesn't want to spend that time with you for some reason but that's not true or he wouldn't even call. OP this is not a reflection on you at all, it's nothing to do with you, he is just that kind of person. Just try and see it for what it is and please don't worry about it, it's not a bad thing so try and get over your hurt feelings.
I'm living with my girlfriend for years now and I don't even need to tell her I need alone time, she just knows by seeing me because I go to our workout room, lie on a bean bag, put on some music and just read. She'll come up and get her kiss , say hello etc and just go off and do her own thing but she knows not to bother me with anything unless it's really important. Sometimes she'll come up with me and just lie there with me and say nothing or take a book up herself and read too. She knows that alone time is for me and my thoughts and that chit-chat is out of the question. She takes that time to have some alone time herself most of the time though and she usually goes off and does her grooming ritual, takes a long bath etc.
It's healthy and it's normal. OP wanting to be with someone all the time is fine, but being with them all the time is the best way to ruin a relationship. It really is. Look at how tough people that work together, live together and do everything together find it. You have to have time apart so the time you do have together is even better. I made that mistake in the past and that relationship burned out too quickly, whereas if we'd had time apart to miss each other then it may have worked out. Relationships are about pacing OP, you can't just cede to your feelings about everything, you have to have time to miss someone or you can be overwhelmed with that person because you never get a break from being a "couple" sometimes you just need to be you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 November 2011):
I can assure you that not everyone feels like this and many people out there enjoy a little free time to themselves so that they can catch up on the things that they love doing. Not only this, but it gives breathing room and allow one to "miss" the other. Love does not mean someone has to be around you 24/7. Love is trusting the other person and appreciating them for who they are. When you truly love someone, you are happy no matter what they do or where they are because you believe in the relationship that you have with the person. With love, you want the other person to be happy much more than your own selfish needs. This might seem weird but men are different from women and it would be wise to understand how men feel. After all, men do having feelings as well.
You say your feelings are hurt but how is he hurting your feelings exactly? What wrong thing is he doing?
I think you are over reacting too much on this issue and probably should take a step back and try to see the situation from a different perspective. If you don't then you risk losing your boyfriend if you continue to nag and distrust him while he is actually being considerate.
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