A
female
age
51-59,
*ara01
writes:Dear Cupid, I really need some advice, i have found out something that has been going on in my life for a while and i was unaware of this, in Jan 05, my partner who i hve been with 10 yrs, we hve 2 kids got a job, it was a\managers job and we were so pleased and for a few mnths everything was good then i noticed a change in him, he became more distant and colder towards us, he qwas preoccupied with his job and all eh ever talked about was his work and the ppl who he workedwith.He worked a good distance from where we lived and i never knew any of the ppl who he worked with, in particular he talked about this woman and i felt that he was becoing too close to her, i asked him if he was seeing her and he always denied it.In Oct 05 he told me that he didnt feel the same way about me and we didnt want to be here anymore, i hung on hoping that things would be better but on new yrseve tht year he packed his stuff and left me and the kids, saying that he wasstaying with a friend from wrk and was looking for a flat locally,i didnt believe him but had no proof.Things stayed like this for 8 mnths with him coming up to stay at the weekend and going back during he week, i never knew where he was\staying.I told him that i wasnt doig this anymore and that he would have to make up his mind about ahat he was doing or stay away and just take the kids out, he came back in Aug 05 and things were ok for a while, then i stumbled across an address that he was\staying at and i knew that this woman lived in that town, i confronted him and he said that he hadstayed with her for a while and had been seeing her for a few mnths, i didnt believe him and i had her numbver so i called her, she told me that they had ben seeing each other for mnths before he left me and that he moved in with her as son as he left me, i have also found out that she is pregnant and it is his baby and that he is having nothing to do with her or the baby, he says he dosnt want anything to do with her and regrets what he has done to us and says thathe loves me and made a mistake, what do i do, how can i ever trust him again knowing what he has done to us and that now hehas had his fun he dosent want anything to do with her or that baby either, please help.Lara
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female
reader, Lara01 +, writes (9 April 2007):
Lara01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies, i have asked him to financialy support this child and he says he will but he says that he will not see her or the child, i do not want to rell my children about this as i want to spare them but i am unsure as i dont want them to find out later and be angry as i have not told them.
She says that she wants him to be involved in this childs life and i know she wants him back as she wants him to come to her flat twice a week to see this baby and truthfully i am not comfortable with this as i am very angry as she knew that we had 2 children together but she still went ahead seeing him behind my back as did he, so i feel that i dont owe her anything, i dont think that he should be allowed to be let off with his what he has done butif he financially supports this child, is that doing enough.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): He has responsibilities to your children and to the baby he's leaving behind with this woman. I would see a lawyer to make sure your children are protected. This woman may be doing the same. Even if she doesn't, if you take him back, she will always be in your lives because of the child. You will have to decide how you feel about that, along with everything else.
I don't think you CAN trust him again. After making sure that your children are protected, I would move on with your life. You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): This is a very tricky and complicated situation because you have children and no doubt this whole situation is effecting them. How you choose to deal with this situation is also an example to them,when they start dating.So keep that in mind too. Firstly you need to decide whether you are willing to give your heart to him again and forgive him. You can't have a relationship with him,if you are going to always have doubts about his faithfulness and make him feel guilty all the time,it won't work and you'll be unhappy. You have to be able to truly let go of the pain. You also need to then discuss what was it that was lacking in your marriage for him, that caused the infidelity and perhaps go for counseling together. Otherwise it could happen again. He cheated for a reason. Find out what it was. It must have been something he felt was missing in his life or the marriage. He could be insecure. You can't let things be the same as they were before, you and him have to be willing to put the work in to change and improve the relationship,so that it never gets back to where it is now. He dealt with whatever problems or unhappiness in a selfish and disgraceful way by cheating. I'm not saying that any of this is your fault.If you should decide to take him back I don't think that he should be allowed to immediately move in and take the place of husband so quickly. You need time to heal and he needs to earn his right back in. For instance you could go on a date once a week and counseling another day. Don't rush into being back to normal. It takes time to fix something thats broken. He also needs to take responsibility for this womans baby. Imagine that was you in that situation.You have every right to be angry with her and I'm not saying invite her to your home for tea. But how he is treating her and his baby says something about his attitude towards women and how he responds to responsibility. If he can treat you this way and a woman he slept with who now is carrying his baby then it seems that he is very selfish and never has to deal with the consequences of his actions. If you want to still be with him, I think that you need to be the bigger person here and demand he take care of that child! He is setting a very bad example for your children by having an affair and then refusing to take care of his unborn child. He must deal with the consequences of his actions! You need to ask yourself, if this is the kind of man you truly deserve? Stand up for yourself and your children.You and your children deserve to be loved and be happy.
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