A
female
age
30-35,
*hereisthelove94
writes:Hello,Me and my boyfriend were together for nearly two years. We broke up for about a month and are now thinking of giving it another go. I found out a few days ago that he has been sleeping with another girl since we broke up. It broke my heart and is killing me, as he has slept with me since we've broke up too. He never told me about her and lied when i asked him if he had been with anyone else. I have not been with anyone else as i have loved him the whole time we have been apart and never even looked at another guy.I know he still loves me and has told me that he wants me back more than anything in the world, and that the only reason he slept with her is because he didn't think there was ever a chance for us again, and if he did he probably wouldn't have done it. Probably.I could never sleep with someone i wasn't in love with but i know that men are different that way and will do it just because she says yes. I understand that he wanted to feel loved and comforted as he claimed that i pushed him away quite a lot, but I'm struggling to understand how he could do it and not give my feelings a second chance if he still loved me at the time which he said he did.Now i know it's none of my business what he did/does when he's single, but we were only apart for a month and being replaced that quickly makes it feel like cheating, although i know he never did that and could never do that to me. I don't know if he's still sleeping with her now, even though we're in the midst of getting back together, or when the last time they done it was, but i'm really struggling to understand how it happened.That's the background. Why I'm actually posting this is because i need some opinions and advice. He tells me he wants to get back with me, and despite knowing how much it has killed me to find out about this, he has done absolutely nothing to make me feel better about it. He says he isn't sorry because he did nothing wrong, he says he sort of regrets it, but he hasn't even said that it didn't mean anything or that he didn't enjoy it or that he thought of me etc. Absolutely nothing. Even if they were lies it would be better than nothing. Whenever I've tried to talk to him about it and ask him he just gets defensive and starts saying things like 'What i do when i'm single is my own business not yours so you don't need to know'. I understand this, but i feel like he cant love me that much if he is okay with me being this upset about things. He has said and done nothing to comfort me or prove to me that he does want to be with me, and when i told him that i would find it hard for a while he just said 'Well then i can't be with you, you have to forget it and get over it because else it's not going to work'. And i get that, but if he wanted to be with me that much he'd be making more of an effort to help me get over it wouldn't he? He isn't even trying to understand how this has made me feel. He admitted himself he couldn't get back with me if he knew someone else has had me, and yet here i am, pathetic and still trying to make it work. He's just willing to let me go because he can't be bothered, not willing to fight for us while I've been here everyday hoping that things can work out, struggling to make each minute pass. Could it just be that he's being stubborn? Or that he doesn't want to admit to himself that he feels guilty about it? Or is this the behavior of someone who just doesn't care enough anymore?
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): It's complicated.
Unlike DV1, I don't think you're stubborn or have control issues in the slightest. You feel what you feel, and you of course are going to want tosshare this with your ex, considering you're discussing getting back together.
It feels a bit soon, but rebound relationships are like that. Try not to take that too personally. He was just trying to make himself feel better, to deal with the pain of breaking up.
While it may not be your business who he sleeps with once you're broken up,
a) you were still sleeping with him
b) he could have told you it was none of your business rather than lying.
As he says himself, he would not want you back if you slept with someone else in the interim. Knowing this, he was keeping his options open.
That's something you have to decide if you empathise enough with to forgive - or not.
But I'd say that before deciding about whether you can handle the dishonesty/hypocrisy (hypocrisy in that he wouldn't have you back if you slept with someone else but claims this behaviour is OK with him), think about the reasons you broke up in the first place. It's normal to miss an ex, and 4-6 weeks is prime time for ill-advised re-runs because both people have rose-tinted versions of what went on in the relationship. Also, you have maintained contact, and sexual contact at that. How can you expect to get over someone when you're still sleeping with them?
I'd say, take a step back, think about your relationship as a whole, why you broke up etc.
Give yourself a proper break from this guy. Explain that you're going No Contact for eight weeks. Tell him he's single in that time, and you won't ask him what he's doing, as you won't be in contact. But in a couple of months, you'll have a clearer idea of whether you actually want to be with him again, rather than just reacting to volatile emotions.
Hope that helps. Good luck with it x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): What the other Aunts and Uncles don't seem to notice is that your boyfriend SLEPT WITH YOU while you were broken up during that month, AND WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
So your feelings were still attached, while he was having "fun" with someone else.
Sure, while you were apart it was his own business, but now that you ARE TRYING TO WORK IT OUT, GET BACK TOGETHER, he COULD TRY to make you feel better, re-assure you that while you were together 2 years he DID miss you in that month which is why he wants to get back together.
However, he is not saying that. Sure, whatever he did in that month is his business, but he is high and mighty saying if YOU had been with someone else HE WOULD NOT TAKE YOU BACK, so why should you take his sorry ass back?
You know what? he is not worth it. After 2 years, you are only apart a month and straight away he sleeps with someone else? interesting... makes you wonder why you broke up? was she already in the wings? Then to top it off, he sleeps with YOU TOO. How nice - NOT! Now you try to make it work and he can't care less how you feel, "get over it" he seems to say, well - you can't, you invested 2 years and that month and you didn't change.
You deserve better, move on! Find someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (12 July 2013):
 hi there. i know this isn't what you want to hear, but he's right - what he does when you two aren't together really isn't your business.
you're right, men and women can be different. but it's not always a man vs. woman thing. i, myself, tend to rebound when i'm hurt the most. not because i don't/didn't care about my ex, but BECAUSE i'm hurt. it's simply a way some people go about dealing with their pain.
i don't think this means he doesn't love you. not at all. he's just being rational about this. he did what he did. and he had every right to do it. the relationship was over and he was just trying to cope in the way he knew how. he clearly didn't think you two were getting back together, or i doubt he would have done that. now that you're back together, he realizes he CAN'T be with you if you won't forgive him and let it go. and he's absolutely right. it'll only make for a miserable relationship if you keep bringing it up. so now you must decide if this is something you can or can't cope with.
good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 July 2013):
 "Whenever I've tried to talk to him about it and ask him he just gets defensive and starts saying things like 'What i do when i'm single is my own business not yours so you don't need to know'. "
That right there should disqualify him from you getting back with him. His sleeping with other women and then returning to you is risky. How do you know he didn't get a girl pregnant, or catch an STI? What he did in your break *is* your business and should be weighed in your choice to return.
No, he didn't cheat on you, but his behavior now is a bit disturbing. I wouldn't take him back. There's a high risk of him hurting you again.
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (12 July 2013):
 Let me get this straight:
1)You say that you know that what he does when he is single is his business.
2)Then you say that he's supposed to feel inclined to help you get over the fact that he's sleeping with someone else while you two aren't even together.
A: Right now, all you two are doing is speaking to each other, and that's it. He shouldn't have to stop doing something that bothers you, or help you get over anything. It sounds like you're extremely jealous and controlling,and have attention issues. He might not know how to approach being with you. Honestly, if you're intent on trying to punish him by harassing him and/or putting him on a guilt trip about his sex life (which, once again, is no business of yours whatsoever) then not only are you two not going to get back together, you're not even going to have him in your life. Right now, he's not walking, but running in the other direction. If you wanted to give it another go, you'd start with: "hi" and work your way up. Getting back together doesn't involve explaining himself for anything that happened when you two are apart. Reality check: he's not the stubborn one here, you are. Get over yourself.
...............................
|
