A
female
age
41-50,
*lou oog
writes:Hi everybody well I have a problem and hope that any one can give me some advice. Well I was engaged with this man for 16 years and he never asked me to marry me, I have a 4 year old son with him and 2 teenage daughters from previous marrage. My problem is the last past 2 years my fiance treated me and the girls very bad he verbally abused us calling as all the names you could think of. His friends always came first and it's worse when he drinks. Well all these years I wanted to marry him but he doesn't want to. We started to live pass each other he don't even say that he loves me or that I look pretty or nothing it was like I was there but only to be his maid. I broke the engagement about 7 months ago and I told him that I cannot go on like this because you don't care about me any more. After one month of breaking the engagement I met this guy who is so wonderful - every time he sees me he says that I look so pretty and he likes the way I done my hair today etc. You know all those words that I long for. He phones me like 10 times a day just to say I love you and that he misses me a lot. So I told my ex that I need some space because he was watching me like a watch dog. I moved into a flat and I told him that I just need 3 months to short out my life to see if I still love him as much but he said if I move out I must stay with him at least 3 days in the week and every weekend. Well it's been just over a month that I stay in the flat and when I am not with my ex I feel like a diffrent person but when I'am with him I feel scared and not myself. We see each other now and then but I dont feel that love that we once had because of the way he treated me and my kids. I told him that it's over but he thinks I'm making a joke. Then he would say come to the house so that we can talk If I am there then he invited again like all the other times his friends over. Then he would think everything is ok again. Well he suspects that I am seeing someone else but he's not too sure because he says all these things like I know what is going on with you so you better tell me. And then he would say if I see you with another man I will kill you. I need to get out of this relationship and I don't know how! I tried to see how I feel about my ex but he doesn't want to give me the chance to see because I am like every second day at his house. Then he's playing on my feelings to say he will change and he say I must move back to the house and I must leave my work. He is a very jealous man also. I don't know if I can trust him again please if there is somebody who can give me some advice I appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): This is not a comfortable relationship anymore, I strongly advise you to stay away from him. Don't see him! call him, email him, or leave a message and make it clear that it is over. I would consider getting a restraining order against him, because he sounds like he could turn into someone violent. Don't be afraid to turn to others for help, go to shelter, ect, if you are afraid to go to your own home. Threatening to kill is not something to be taken lightly! Please take care of yourself, this man sounds like really bad news.
A
female
reader, briron  +, writes (15 October 2008):
i understand your situation, because i was in a simular situation before. if you dont beleive that he can be dangerous, then finish it right now, do not see him anymore at all. after i finally left my ex, i took my 2 babies and changed village, and for the first time in my life i felt free,and that was the best feeling in the world. you can have that, just make sure that he is not dangerous, if so, there is places that you can call for abused women, that will help you. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): These are quotes from
http://www.stopwomenabusehelpline.org.za/contact_us.htm
How does a woman know if she is in a domestic violence relationship?
When people talk about “domestic violence”, they usually see it as violence in the home. But, it is more than this. The definition of a “domestic relationship” includes relationships wherein two people are dating, are separated or divorced, and includes same-sex relationships.
Most people also believe that domestic violence is physical violence.
However, there are other types of abuse……. Physical abuse includes things like slapping, hitting, shoving, stabbing, burning. There is emotional abuse, which includes things like swearing at her, threats, isolating her from family and friends.
Sexual abuse includes rape, indecent assault, making her wear clothes or do sexual acts that make her feel uncomfortable.
When is it too late to get out of an abusive relationship?
It is never too late to get out of an abusive relationship. The minute you start feeling uncomfortable in the relationship or feel that your partner’s treatment of you has changed (in a negative way eg. He has become very possessive), this is the time to take a hard look at your relationship, and try and identify what is different. This may be the time to seek help or decide to end the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Dear Poster
This guy is abusive; Herewith a link to the stop women abuse helpline in South Africa;
Remember these people are trained to deal with situations like yours.
http://www.stopwomenabusehelpline.org.za/contact_us.htm
or you can call them toll free in South Africa by dailling: 0800 150 150
Please do not even consider going back to your abusive ex; call the HELPLINE for guidance and advice; please act now and avoid becoming a statistic of Family violence.
I URGE you read the info on this link and contact them. For your own but also your children's sake.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (15 October 2008):
 Sweetie, he needs to understand it is over! Dont go over to his house to visit, he is now your ex and keep it that way.. he sounds like he is manipulative and weak and while you were all living together he had everything he needed! Break all contact with him, and DO NOT go to his house, not even to 'talk'. If it is over, it is over. If you are in a new relationship it has nothing to do with him, and if he continues to harass you, you must seek legal assistance... a restraining order! Whatever you do, dont give up your flat or your job because then you will be dependant on him and that is what he wants, cos then he can treat you as he likes and he knows that you have no way of getting out.
Honeygirl
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