A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:hi, i am 19 and my bf is 23 we have been togeth for almost 4 years, for about 1 month now i have noticed my bf is less intrested in having sex with me, we have only done it once this month, he said its because of the medication his on and its hard to cum, he says its just the side effects of the medication his on, yet i know for a fact he has gotten off to porn atleast 8 times this month that i know off, is he just lying to me because his lazy? or is it really his medication? or do u think he prefers porn over me? I dont know what to do I am feeling neglected, as he trys to get out of spending time with me to look at porn, he has also neglected his studies and his job searching, it bugs me that i go to work all day and he sits at home and gets off to porn, what can i do?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 It does sound like he has a porn problem. The difficulty ejaculating is consistent with that: porn is very very visually arousing, the combination of that and his hand is hard to match with regular sex. The result being that it can be hard to stay turned on enough to orgasm.
The good news is that it is easily solved: stop looking at the porn. The hard bit is how to convince him to want to do this. It's not easy, most men will either deny looking at it, or call it 'harmless fun' or similar. But it's not harmless, at least when used in excess (like most things).
My suggestion on how to do this is to find a way to convince him that looking at porn is effecting his abilities as a lover. Men are very sensitive about this, if they feel that something is negatively effecting their ability to have sex with a woman, they'll seriously consider doing something about it. For him to do this he needs to switch from the defensive mindset ('oh its harmless, I'm not addicted etc') to a more level-headed one ('I don't like what this is doing to me'). You can help that by talking about porn with him in a calm way where you don't accuse him of anything.
Can I suggest you read this article. It lays out some very clear arguments for why porn damages sex. Use those arguments with him, or have him read it too and discuss it together:
http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/index.html
There is also a book called Pornified (by Pamela Paul), based on hundreds of interviews and detailed research, that makes the same case much more thoroughly.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 Hi,
I am taking a guess here, but it sounds like your bf is gotten addicted to porn. I think it is called porn-fiendism. Like any addiction, it changes the person he is. It is not about choose porn over you. He would be neglectful of you and the rest of his life if it was alcohol, drugs, or something else.
This is getting to be very common with young males since the ease of porn access through the media of internet. They men are getting so addicted to porn, they are becoming unable to get turned on to the real thing.
I think you are dating an addict, and only you can decide if you want to continue this kind of relationship. I would suggest that he sees a councilor, maybe even a sexologist.
Treat this like an addiction. The porn is just his drug of choice.
My heart goes out to you.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): hi my name is Lorraine,
I am in the same position as you unfortunately. I'm 31 and going out with my guy for over 7 years. he went off sex almost a year ago and blames it on not wanting me to get pregnant..... eh hello? Why stop now??? i have never been pregnant nor want to so Im completly confused. I do feel empathy towards you and am about to say goodbye to my man for once and for all.I like u have seeen the sex sites that he looks at and it is so hard to see. He has broken my heart, he promises faithfully that he will start making love to me but at this stage its almost like a favour so i feel he hasnt his heart in it. I do wish you the best of luck. You are not alone.
lorraine
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