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female
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*mile_gurl
writes: 6 months relationship, lifetime hell.Need help, advice, anything. I met this perfect guy. Love him to bits, really do. Given up every single thing for him. Stopped being close to people I used to be, willing to move away from my family for him, every single thing. From how he was brought up, he made me change my sense of dressing as well, and i did. No vulgarities to him. He is the sort of person where the gal has to do everything the guy asks her to do, whether she likes it or not, never to be talking back, never to show attitude. Anything. Whether I am happy or unhappy about something, I have to do it. If he shouts at me, I have to keep quiet. Everything that happens, I apologise, just to make things better. And when i apologise too often, he starts asking, "How many times are you going to apologise and do the same thing over and over again?"Coming to the point, 3 days ago, we had an argument. Was about me not taking care of the phones and I don't really think it was a reason for him to shout at me but he did. When i apologised, he didn't want to accept it, he told me that in order for him to forgive me, I have to stop smoking. Just me. He could smoke, but I couldn't. Although unwilling, I accepted. The next day, we had a promising day ahead. We were both alone in the room, he had a long day at work, and i skipped school to spend the day with him. So what happened was, he took a cigarette and started smoking. I was upset. He should not be smoking in front of me should he?? Apart from that, he just gave me a smirk.. Like so glad that he's smoking in front of me, as though he's getting revenge. "Oh IM SMOKING AND U CANT HAHAHA"I felt so upset but just kept quiet. So he realised I was upset after a while and made me come up with why I was upset. Told him everything. At first he was accepting things. But later he started saying that if I wasn't happy I shouldn't have told him that I would not smoke whether he smokes or not. But i have feelings too. Although I didn't smoke, I felt upset cause of the smirk he gave me. Then, he just turned around and slept. I did nothing, just wept and wept. Later i just held him while he was sleeping, he woke up. Started screaming and shouting. Doesn't understand me one bit. Later he start hitting me. Strangling me, slapping me, kicking me. I just didn't know what to do. He stepped on my hand, so that I wouldn't move, let his whole weight be over me so that I wouldn't go anywhere, asked me what I wanted, all i replied was "I want You." He hugged me, but at that point of time, he had already hit me so so so much. I was sobbing terribly, couldn't breathe properly. He apologised, said he shouldn't have dont that to me, but it's not the first time it's happening. I've gotten hit from him badly before, only that this was the worst case. I forgave him.. Told him it's ok. Everything was going on fine. Yesterday I woke up with a terrible body ache. Throat was swollen, hands and legs all so sore from the whacking. Went to the doc and they told me I've got my node limps swollen. Everything was smooth. Then he started feeling grouchy. We were having a conversation and it just came out that I used to dress indecently in the past. He created a big fight over that. Saying that he wasn't happy that I said that I wore such to school etc. Ok fine, I accept that, probably I said it without thinking, and I apologised. Then he asked me, would u be happy if i told u I slept with someone before? And i was so so so pissed. I just said about dressing, never brought up another guy, so why must he tell me that he slept with someone else? I kept everything within me. Just unhappiness in me. Sent him to work, everything was ok. Once I reached home, he asked me to sleep, but i wanted to talk to him. Then he starting going on and on about him not being happy. I felt f**ked. As it is,i wasnt feeling well. He said I could never keep him happy, always doing th same thing over and over again. All the fights occur because of me and me only. I got pissed and asked him, "Do you think I don't feel hurt from everything that has happened?" Told him that i've got feelings too, despite how much u've hit me, I still kept everything inside, By right I'm depressed, just keeping it from him. In the end, he told me that since I have brought all this up, he wants to end it all. Is it my mistake to tell him that one incident has changed me, to become a more sensitive person? The hitting, the way he hit me, i swear it's caused me to be depressed. I'm hating everything. Every single thing. If he really loved me, would he have hit me that much? It hurts me to see him in pain, he takes care of me when i'm sick, but doesn't he realise that hitting me is more painful than being sick? I just love him so much. I try my best to forget everything and be happy with him. It hurts so badly. He refuse to accept his mistakes. I just don;t know what to do. I don't want to live him, but at the same time, i fear being with him cause he will probably kill me by hitting me. He would strangle me to death one day. These days, every single time he move, i become so scared, scared that he'll hit me. What can i do? what shall i do? I need him, just love him so much. But he doesn't seem to be serious about me. He doesn't seem to love me as i do. What should i do. I'm so confused. So depressed. I feel that ending my life would be perfect. I can't see a future without him.
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at work, depressed, limp, revenge, smokes Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, gumdrops +, writes (30 January 2006):
I think an important question you need to ask yourself is why do you want to be with this man. What does he bring to your relationship? Why is he the perfect man? You said you love him, but do you like him as a person? If a girlfriend told about this situation, what would your advise be to her? You mention throughout you post that you keep quiet to keep him happy. Are you really willing to continue this behavior to be with him? You're essentially a doormat and he probably will, if he hasn't already get tired of you constantly agreeing with him. A relationship should be an equal partnership which each person's input and a healthy respect for each other feelings. It's hard to let go of someone you love, but sometimes it's the healthiest thing to do for yourself and the other person. Maybe you should consider taking to a therapist. It can help you understand why this happened and once you understand why it happened you can prevent it from happening again. Good luck!
A
female
reader, wleshchick +, writes (29 January 2006):
You need to call it a day babe... I used to be in a relationship similar to yours...except no physical abuse, i was controlled by my EX, telling me do this do that,wear this dont wear that, we had an argument worse than all the rest he raised his hand to me at one point..thats when i walked, i still love him tho but will never go through it again. Be brave BE SMART...walk away whilst you can.if he calls or sees u out and about be nice but dont go anywhere for a chat cos he could become angry that u left him and possibly violent again, always be around someone you trust tell them whats happened so that they will also know what he is capeable of. you will get over him ! Time is a great healer I should know that! i wish you all the best and hope that you come to your sences and GET OUT NOW!!! all my love 2 u !x
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (29 January 2006):
 Get out now. This guy is a user, abuser and a down-and-out control freak. You have been with him for 5 minutes in the great scheme of things and he will destroy your credibility, self-esteem and self-worth if you let him....although that already seems to be happening.
I hate these sorts of people (male or female) who get off on the control of others, it starts small and ends up big. Soon every decision you make will be made by this loser. There is nothing tying you too him, a mortgage, kids whatever so pack your bags (physically and mentally) and JUST WALK AWAY. Get help if you want to by getting in touch with the friends you dropped for him, they will be glad to hear from you if you explain the situation and ask them for their help. But learn a lesson form me, you ahve to mean what you say and you have to end it the first time, if you go back when he tries to sweet-talk you, you will never ever escape because he will use that against you for as long as your relationship lasts.
Please leave this toxic controller and grab your life back and start living away from the terrible shadow of fear.
Good Luck xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2006): Please! Dont call him...you deserve soooooooooo much better.
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A
female
reader, smile_gurl +, writes (28 January 2006):
smile_gurl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. Till this time, he still has not called me yet. I feel sick to the gut. Shouldn't I be the one who's leaving him when he hit me? But why is he threatening me that he wants to leave ? Sincerely I do love him, but don't understand what's happening. I'm sure he expects me to meet him. He expects me to put an effort to be where he is. But he doesn't need to put in the same effort. Always when this happens, I wait hours for him just to get things better. But it doesn't go appreciated. Should I call or wait for his call? I doubt I'll be able to live without him. I need him..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2006): Oh my God!!!! Why are you with this abuser. Physically and mentally he is going to finish you off if you dont get out of this relationship right now. He certainly doesnt love you, you are right there. Who in there right mind would love a person by manipulating them, beating them, hitting them, picking pointless fights with them...the list goes on! Please do yourself a BIG favor and get out of this relationship now. Deep down you will probably realize that you dont even really love him. You love the idea of what he was, or what he could be. This is nothing but abuse in the extreme.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (27 January 2006):
 Get out now....the man is a control freak.Why are you still with him? He is making you depressed and has robbed any self esteem that you had left.....your self worth and confidence has taken a battering...is this the life you want? He doesnt love you...he is using you as a slave...a walking doormat....i know you are much stronger then that and i know that there are decent men out there who would treat you with respect.Any man who raises his hand to a woman is not worth a light...get out now before it gets worse.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (27 January 2006):
 Your last sentence needs to be rewritten, dear. "I can't see a future WITH him." You realize you have to get out of this relationship before he does hurt you permanently or worse, don't you. You aren't happy now so you really have nothing to lose by leaving. Go to one of your family members that he made you move away from and get away from him. You'll never regret it I promise. You'll look back at this and say "What a close call! Whatever was I thinking?" Good Luck and Get Moving!
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