A
female
age
30-35,
*bonyBlossom
writes:When my boyfriend gets upset or angry over something, he sometimes takes it out on me. This is something he's always been aware of and normally he makes an effort not to do it and apologises if he does. But this time he hasn't.At the very beginning of our relationship, he lost his job and was unemployed for 4 months, living on the dole. My family and I practically let him move in, and gladly, and he was staying several times a week to try and avoid his own, less supportive family. He hated this so much and tried to look for work, often to no avail, and he got very stressed and down on himself. He took this out on me and I felt a lot of pressure from him and a bit unnappreciated. After a while I told him how I felt, he was very angry with himself and incredibly remorseful and tried really hard not to do it again.After 4 months on the dole he got a new job and was ecstatic. However after a while, his manager started to be really unfair on him and he got a lot of stick from other colleagues that he didn't deserve. I know he must have felt awful but still I was the one who had to hear the problems and put up with the stress. I was always happy to give him sympathy but didn't like his rudeness when he was angry. However he realised his mistake, and turned down a load of overtime (unusual for him) to make it up to me.A couple of times when he's had a bad day he has snapped at me, but after a couple of hours had gone by he wouldn't stop apologising!Yesterday he lost his debit card, after months of me telling him to get a wallet. He got very angry and took it out on me again. I tried to help him but all he did was throw it back at me. Then he did what he always does when he's angry - left, went home to get some space, and I didn't hear from him pretty much all night. I thought he'd just sleep it off like he normally does and that he'd be ok today, but I haven't had so much as a text from him and he's supposed to be staying over tonight. I know he's still in a bad mood, he reflected this in his facebook status this morning.I don't know whether I should tell him how hurt and upset I feel and ask for an apology or just let him cool off and hope it doesn't happen again.This only happens from time to time and every other aspect of our relationship is great - he's always there for me when something goes wrong, he is charming, polite and affectionate and willing to help me out, very supportive and we have a good sex life. I don't want to lose all that after a year of being together because of this one incident, but I'm scared it will happen again. What to do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (16 July 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sorry it took me ages to reply, thanks for your answers. To janniepeg, he's definitely a guy A. We are still young. And it doesn't help that we are both stubborn. He said to me "I asked you not to trace my steps for me, but you carried on, that's why I got angry at you. But, I am sorry if I hurt you." I guess I did carry on when he asked me to stop. I'm the kind of person who will bend over backwards to help someone, and he's the kind of guy who doesn't like needing someone else's help. I guess we both need to learn from that.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2010):
 I agree with AOS. He still owes you an apology whether that sorry would be effective this time. He still has to care about your feelings. After one year you are already thinking about breaking up. You know it will happen sooner or later. You are just contemplating whether to break up over something so small. You still have room to tolerate more of his anger. But the question is do you want that? Do you want his high temper gene passed onto your children? Or do you want to start fresh with a guy with a higher EQ?
We base our opinions on statistics.
Guy A is someone with a wild temper when younger but calmed down after he settled down into his marriage and having kids.
Guy B is someone who had a little temper, but could be otherwise very sweet natured. He married a wonderful, supportive woman. Got stressful at his job, lashed out at his wife and children, showed his true colors and later became physical and his family was surprised at who he had become.
Only you can tell if your guy is A or B. We seem to see a lot of people go downhill after marriage. So while you are still not married, keep your standards high. Speaking pessimistically, marriage more often than not bring out the worst side of us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): Okay, if your going to wait for it not to happen again....good luck. He obviously has some anger issues to work through. I think you should let him cool off and not push it when he is angry.....although I want to be clear....you did nothing wrong!! You should be able to talk to your partner about your feelings that is why they are there. You say that every other aspect of your relationship is great but you are 'scared' for when this happens again?? Why do you want t live like that? I'm not saying that you guys don't love eachother but when your partner makes you feel like crap and you say your scared of his temper....well that's not healthy. I would say give him a few days to cool off and then talk to him but put your foot down!! He needs to get help for his anger issues or be gone because that is no way to treat someone you love
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): relationship ARE a lot of give and take sweetie. If you see him as a good guy, then be patient and work thru it. Good luck, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): because he isnt sorry. And i totally agree with AOS. Mal
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (4 July 2010):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has plenty of chances to take it out on me that he doesn't take, it doesn't happen every time, which is proof that he is trying, and I've seen other seemingly volatile relationships working out. I'm learning too, I don't pussyfoot around him like I used to. And it's hardly the abuse he could give me, it's not like he blames me or anything. He just gets rude, touchy and moody, just like a kid. It isn't major, like I said it doesn't happen that often, it's not like a weekly thing. I dunno I guess it's just a case of us both learning to deal with it.
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