A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles, Please help, I'm going through a really tough time. My boyfriend and I have been together only four months or so, and it has been a bit of a roller coaster. It's the first time both of us have opened ourselves up to be in a relationship for a number of years. We've both been hurt in the past. He tells me he loves me all the time and wants to marry me, but we have had a lot of problems with communication and managing conflict. We both suffer with depression but I am managing mine. A week ago, I wanted to spend the day with a male friend and my boyfriend freaked out and accused me of emotionally cheating on him - not the case. I was really hurt and backed off from him a little for a few days but was staying with him at the time. On the weekend my boyfriend helped me move into my new flat and told me he would talk to me later that day. He hasn't answered my calls or texts since - except to tell me he needs space. Yesterday he text me 'please remember I really love you and definitely want to be with you'. He has not answered my text asking him how much space he needs. I am in limbo. I did all I could - told him I loved him so of course I would respect that he needs space. But what am I supposed to do or think? Has he left me? He won't answer any of my questions. I know he is very depressed. He told me he'd lost himself and needed to find himself. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but what about my feelings? My best friend and partner has just disappeared on me and is blanking me. Do I hold on to this or just move on with my life?
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female
reader, DaniellaTheLifeCoach +, writes (26 May 2015):
Hi! It is important to pay attention to the fact that you both suffer from depression. You may be managing yours, but is he managing his? Depression is known to heighten feelings, for better or worse, so you may well feel that your roller coaster ride keeps going as long as you're both depressed.Did either of you deal with the hurt you experienced in past relationships before getting together? Maybe not if you’re already experiencing quite a few issues at an early stage in this new relationship. You know you already have communication and conflict management problems but did either of you take steps to deal with these problems? If no, why not? You can tell these are true problems for you because when things got difficult, you both backed off from each other (you when he accused you of emotional cheating and him telling you he needs space.After 4 months and with all the issues you’re experiencing, is this really a relationship? Is it a relationship worth saving? He loves you and wants to be with you but won’t interact with you - is this loving behaviour? He may need space, which of course is fine, but the way he’s gone about it shows lack of respect towards the relationship/you. After all, he’s not the only person with feelings to consider.If he isn't willing to answer core questions like how much space he needs, it leaves you in a position to get yourself out of limbo by making some decisions without his input. Has he left you? Maybe. But he won’t interact with you for you to ask the question so a different question to ask is do you still want to be with him? If yes, you can choose to just wait for him to contact you again, whenever that may be (days/weeks/months). If no, you could choose to just move on. You have options.There is a difference between coping with/managing depression and dealing with the underlying causes of depression so that it eliminates it. I hope that he (you) is getting a variety of support to help him deal with how he feels. Also, whether you’re in a relationship or not, there are classes to help improve communication and deal with conflict. I've raised quite a few questions to help you decide what will work for you and hope this helps you to reach a decision about your next step. Take care and best of luck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 ONLY 4 months together and ALL this drama already? Seriously? I'd walk away and never look back. A relationship shouldn't BE this hard 4 months into it.
Let him go 100% He needs to "fix" himself before dating ANYONE. You can't fix his depression or him "losing" himself. THAT is ALL on him. If he is in his 30's he is a bit immature to say the least. Throwing a fit because you hang out with a male friend.
Delete his number and block him. Don't put your life on his for this one.
All this drama doesn't EQUATE to a "great love story". It equates to NOT being a great match at all, or.. JUST a hot mess.
The fact that he was talking marriage and moving in early on tells me that he is one of those guys who likes to move at lightning speed IN HIS fantasy (which he included you in) but NOT in his reality.
They are like a piece of fireworks, they light up to early and all you get is... a spark and a dud.
You have to decide if you are willing to date a guy who will "disappear" whenever his fantasy doesn't align with reality - or not. He will do this again, over and over - and you know it. IT's not something you can FIX with love.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2015):
 The second you decide to move on he will be back to reel you in again... and this will go back and forth
You are together a mere 4 months and are already having problems.
talking of marriage is not a very good sign at this point it's way too soon as after 4 months you barely know each other.
IF you are unhappy and you leave and he comes back then you teach him he can come and go as he pleases that YOU are willing to WAIT for him.
Personally if after four months you see issues with communication and conflict I would end it and move on.
BUT when he gets over his current "snit" and comes back to you, just say no.
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