A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 20 years, does anyone think that there is anything wrong with a married man going to bars and singing Karaoke just for fun.Does anyone think that it's also wrong for a marred man to have female (friends) that he exchanges text messages with. Does this make me a prude or a boring person.I dont do these things and my husband thinks that Iamjust being jealous for no reason. Please help, if I thought this was for "no reason" would I be having thoughts about this? I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would be jealous "but with reason". I would not do this to my marriage. Shouldn't he give me the same respect. Ive asked him to stop going out to these bars, because it bothers me. I have been out with him from time to time, and it appears innocent. Everyone there always asks why I dont come with him more often.He asks me why I don't enjoy going out. But its just not my thing. I have tried to have fun, but I always end up sitting there misarable and ruining his evening. This problem has gotten so bad that now he wont even tell me when he is going, he just shows up home at 1:00 in the morning. I dont even have to ask, he knows I know where he has been. If I ask, "why didn't you call to let me know you were going to sing Karaoke," his answer is always the same.. you just would have been mad. Then there is the problem, you see, if he continues todo something that I dont feel comfortable with, why does he continue to do it? I know most of the people whom he texts, both are men and women. But, I guess because of my snooping, he has started to delete these texts. Then Iv'e started asking, if you don't have anything to hide why are you deleting them? He tells me, "because you just would have been mad.This is driving me crazy, is it time to end my marriage? Please help, who's wrong here?
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female
reader, Kittycat1412  +, writes (15 November 2007):
 It sounds like you're becoming a bit paranoid. He's coming home at a decent hour (1am is a reasonable night out) and you know the people he's going out with. They have asked why you don't come along, so it sounds all above board. Your husband even sounds like he'd like you to go. If you don't like, it's not his fault and you shouldn't expect him to conform because of it. Your husband enjoys going to Kareoke, something so seemingly innocent. I think the suggestion of counselling for you is a good one. If you keep snooping (you haven't found any evidence of foul play), or keep questioning him, the relationship will suffer more and more. You will create a feeling of distrust on both your behalfs. You don't trust him,and now he doesn't trust you not to snoop. You need to do things yourself outside of the two of you, just as he's doing. If you don't seek some kind of help now you will push him away. 20 years of marriage is a long time. Allow him to have fun making a fool of himself singing on a stage in front of a load of drunk people. It could be a hell of a lot worse!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): karaoke isn't the sort of activity that floats my boat, but it obviously does his. You can't be made to enjoy something you don't, and you don't enjoy going to listen to him and god knows how many others getting up on stage to make fools of themselves.
Nothing wrong with texting either, although I don't really know what happened to good old voice communication which can be a lot more interesting and a lot less costly.
Perhaps you might like to suggest a hobby or pastime that you would both enjoy? You might have something in common somewhere along the line. Perhaps do the sort of things you used to do when you first got together, whatever that may have been. You must have had something in common at one time?
I don't think this is the sort of thing to end a marriage over, but it must be frustrating for you. If you can't find any common ground, why not embark on a hobby of your own, like scuba diving or something, where you can get out and meet people, and occasionally get home at 1am yourself!
Phil
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