A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend always gets so mad and angry at me when we go out with his friends because I don't talk much. I told him I'm really shy when I first meet people and it takes some time for me to be comfortable with people. He should understand this as I was shy with him for a while at first, but after we spent a lot of quality time together I became less shy. But it's like when it comes to his friends he has unrealistic expectations for me. I do talk to them a bit, I mean I always make sure I smile and am friendly and I look them in the eye and I say hi and ask them how they are etc. It's just I cant really hold a conversation with them. Mind you, his friends don't make much of an effort to talk to me. They kind of look at me (don't smile) and then look away and act like they aren't interested. What gets me more mad is, when we go out with his friends, they usualy bring their gfs. And my bf doesn't talk to any of his friend's gfs. and their gfs don't talk to any of the other guys either. So how come I am expected to be different??? He said something to me the other day that really upset me. He said 'dont worry I will change you and then you will be good' - refering to my shyness around his friends. This really hrut. I feel like he just wants a gf to show off in front of his friends. I'm starting to realise how pretentious he can be, with the big flashy car, expensive clothes, perfect image he has going on etc. I don't know what to do and I am wondering if I'm the one in the wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): I'm having the same problem! I'm extremely shy around new people -- it's so uncomfortable for me. I warm up after knowing someone for a while, but at first it's like pulling teeth. I've tried to explain this to my boyfriend, but he doesn't get it -- doesn't understand how a person can be so nervous to just say hello and talk to people. We broke up and got back together, one of the conditions (among numerous others) was that I would work on being less shy, and would make an effort to always be very warm with his friends.Last night I went over to his house -- he lives with a roommate. He opens the door and there in the living room is his roommate, his roommate's father, and his roommate's grandmother. They said hello to me (in Spanish -- I can speak it but feel nervous about it too as it's my 2nd language) and I said hello, but not loud enough I guess...when we went into his room he got REALLY angry with me -- asking me "what the hell that was, was that me trying, what's wrong with me?" etc. I told him I was sorry, that I was feeling very shy and that it made me uncomfortable. He wanted more of an explanation, which I couldn't give to him. I told him it would have been easier if he would have let me know that they were there, so I could be prepared -- he took the defensive and thought I was blaming him. I left, and he has been ignoring me all day.I guess some people cannot and will not ever understand what it's like. He thinks being shy is something I can change overnight...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Attempting to redesign or change another human being is fraught with danger. He should love you, value you and respect you for who you are as you are. The "I will love you if" with certain conditions does not work. You don't need to live with the threat of losing him because you have to meet his expectations.
You deserve better then this guy.
Pay attention to the wise words of Nathaniel Brandon:
"Most of us are taught from an early age to pay far more attention to the signals coming from other people than from within. We are ecouraged to ignore our own needs and wants and to concentrate on living up to others' expectations".
Don't allow this guy to exercise power over you. Don't lose touch with who you are. Be yourself and remember you don't have to be submissive to his will and to do so in the name of love will be a distortion of the word.
Be true and honest to yourself.
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (19 November 2008):
 I am very shy and reserved and my ex husband was the most outgoing sociable guy you could ever meet. He would take me to be with his work colleagues and then just abandon me while he did the rounds. I HATED it. It was so awful and he would say ' you are a grown women don't be so silly , just get on with it'. This more than anything drove a wedge between us as I then refused to go so he went on his own. People who can talk to anyone rarely understand what makes a shy person tick and although when we get to know people it becomes easier to start with it is very hard and you need a lot of help and attention to get you through it. I can assure you long term this will become an issue as he does not understand or particularly want to understand why you feel the way you do. You are continuing to try so good on you! Explain to him again that you feel uncomfortable in these situations and can he please be more supportive as you are trying really hard. If he still knocks you I would move on as he demonstrates only an interest in himself.
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