A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been seeing this guy for a month now. We really like each other and things were going great. Til now. I dont know the ins and outs of why he and his ex of 7 years split up back in summer but I do know that they werent right together and they both did bad things to one another. So me and him start to get close and he tells me that hes not heard from his ex but hes 'worried' bout her because hes heard from mutual friends that she's 'in a bad way'. Obviously this gets my back up knowing that hes concerned about her but I just bite my tongue and smile sweetly, too scared to rock the boat. But then he told me lastnight that she called him up on Sunday night drunk and crying that she misses him and that she has been on antidepressants since they split up. He said it made him feel guilty and responsible. Me on the other hand felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I did not know what to say. My silence spoke volumes and he started to justify why he had to tell me about this, saying that he wanted me to hear it from him rather than other people. When I was ready to tell him how I felt, I told him my honest opinion and that is that she has heard he has moved on and she doesnt like it and is now trying to manipulate him and play mind games. He couldnt see my point however and seemed to defend her and said that he didnt think she was like that blah blah. This has caused such a rift between us that I havnt been able to even speak to him today. But what I do feel is that this is more about my insecurities than anything else and Im worried hes going to get back with her even though he has told me he would never get back with her and doesnt feel anything for her anymore. This still does not ease my fears. Im so scared Im dealing with this all the wrong way and will end up pushing him away. Would really appreciate some advice on what I should do or how I should behave in this sort of situation. Im 30 and he is 32.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Seven years is a quite a long time to be with someone, and a long time to just get over in a matter of months. If they only split up in summer of this year (I assume) then even though he says he doesn't have any feelings for her and won't get back with her, all feelings haven't simply washed away because he clearly still cares for her, so my guess is its too soon for him to be in a new relationship. I'm actually having similar problems with my girlfriend at the minute. Her ex (father to her two children) doesn't shown the slightest care for his kids, he didn't buy them anything for Christmas or even phone my girlfriend to ask how their Christmas is, I've been their for her and her kids for 6 months now while he's been carrying on about his business and only showing interest in the kids when it suits him, yet this morning my girlfriend phoned him asking how his new job was going and if he had a nice Christmas, (because she cares) which made me feel pretty much how you said you feel. One month though isn't a lot to lose between you both if you do have to go your separate ways. You could put this down to a bad experience, you tried for something which seemed a good idea at the time, only to realise you put yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sounds to me you've gotten yourself stuck in the middle of an emotional conflict still going on between them too, unfortunately.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): You need to take a step back, they were together for 7 years! If he does truly care about you I'm sure he will come back to you, but right now I would give him some space to make the right decision. These guys were together for a long time and so no doubt there will still be feelings there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 If he is defending her, he isn't over her. It's not all guilt.
Also, MY advice, don't talk smack about a woman you do not know. Don't try and guess he motivations. YOU might be spot on, but this guy isn't ready to hear that.
Personally, I would tell him that you have decided to back off on the relationship because he obviously have unfinished business with the ex, and then BACK off. NOT for his sake but for yours.
This isn't about you and I can imagine that kind of sucks that he rather waste emotions on some ex and her "fragile" ego instead of PAYING attention to what he HAS right in front of him (you).
Sorry, I would not be OK playing second fiddle to an ex. IF they had kids, I would accept to be second after the kids, but the ex? NOPE.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Step away from him.... and tell him to call you, in six months, if - and only if - he has come to his senses....
Good luck....
P.S. Dramatic ex's are like the burrs from a bougainvilla plant.... they penetrate your skin, and you have to eradicate them before you can get on with life...
Good luck...
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