A
female
age
36-40,
*lleExpresses
writes:Wow… there are so many “break” or give me “space” stories, I feel like I am in the right place. Thanks for the stories ladies.I hope someone can give me advice on mine. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years officially and I have known him for 6 years now. He was my first and my only boyfriend. I met him at 16. He was there for me when I needed support when my Mom got remarried and I got a military-like (easily angered) step father and when I was immature he stuck around. He comes from a once very dysfunctional family, so when I tried to pry early on for information in our relationship he would have tons of silent moods. I used to pressure him to open up and I used to pressure him to come see me often, but now that I am older and I understand the concept of needing to balance life better I try very hard not to do the guilt trips or requests. I see that while he works and he has his immediate family and a pet to take care of, I am but one piece of his life that he needs to balance in. And yet what the right path for us is, I have yet to discover. Currently I am 22 yrs old and he is 24. We are different in many ways and yet I believe we are similar in some ways too. He is Christian and I am supposed to be Catholic. I say that because neither of us goes to church like we should. I pray from time to time and I doubt he ever does, but we both believe in God. He is a great guy. To my knowledge he has never cheated on me and I believe he never will. As well I have never cheated on him and I don’t plan on it. We have some hobbies together that we like to do. Undiscovered hobbies that we still need to do. We like watching movies and anime, playing video games, hiking, and talking together. If we had more time together I’m sure we would exercise more together. I am similar to him in that I also majored in Psychology and I am soon going to get my Bachelor’s degree (as he already graduated with the same degree). Soon by the end of this coming year I should graduate and I will be left with needing to find a job-- like him which will need to tie in the same degree and hopefully make a better salary.The thing now is that a few days ago he wanted to have “alone time.” He says he has “no direction in life” and so he is in a contemplative state. It has been a year now since he graduated with a Bachelor’s in Psychology and he is still working at Home Depot. He desires to have a better job. He lives with his single Mom and his sister and as it looks he has no plans of leaving the nest any time soon. Who is to blame him the economy sucks, his Mom and sister would probably make him feel guilty to leave the house they live in and he doesn’t have the money just yet to move out on his own.Since I now have time to contemplate too I have started to think about how he has never seriously discussed with me our future plans. I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to because he has claimed in the past that he does not want kids and that he doesn’t really want to get married. The two things that I wish to have in a loving relationship. This in turn is leaving me to contemplate our relationship together. I feel like I am the only one in the relationship who wants to start planning the future of us. For example, moving out together, getting married, and having kids one day. I want to have these things figured out. I have the pressure of so many people asking me when we are getting married and I don’t even have a clue because he has never fully approached the issue seriously. How much time should I allow him to have to make up his mind? If he truly loved you, you both should have had this kind of talk by now people tell me. If he truly loved you he should be trying to spend ever second with you people tell me-- not having this “I want to be alone” crap and pushing you away episode. He should be talking about how he wants to move out with you in (x) amount of years people tell me. He should be telling me things to confirm that we are committed partners for life. Five years in and we haven’t really discussed this. Why? While I want to be a supportive girlfriend to my man I find myself staring at someone who doesn’t see eye to eye on the important things that I care about. To top it all off we have a long distance relationship (an hour and half + traffic drive). He claims that he doesn’t like to talk over the phone. He deals with the pressure of not moving out of the house because his family has gone through a series of rough times with being evicted while renting (not because of being bad tenants, for example, but solely because of having shady and horrible landlords) and now there is a big mess of a situation as his older sister (at 30) and his Mom are laboring to pay the house that they all live in together when the sister should really be on track to moving out of the house instead of playing the ‘husband’ role with their mother. I see it like this, his older sister needs to move out (especially for her own independence) and the Mom and my boyfriend should have a place to live together. None of this funny business of having full grown kids still living at home with their mother--it is exactly like that show, “Everybody Loves Raymond”, the Mom perhaps doesn’t realize that she needs to let her kids go—she has them feeling guilty should they decide they want to leave the nest and plus she would be alone. Well….at least her one daughter who is 30 should have left the nest by now right? I sound so crazy. I want so much love. I would like to be convinced that I am with the right man, but I don’t know if he could love me the right way I’d like. I hate that he pushes me away and yet he says he loves me. I worry constantly that I will hurt his feelings or that I will not show enough understanding during his times of struggle. I feel he can be so immature and yet so mature at times. I need reassurance that we can make it. We only have this one life right now and time does not stop. I still love him so much and I feel for him, but something has got to come forward about our future am I wrong??? I say we do not see eye to eye on some things but I am not even 100% sure whether he is certain himself about his notions about disliking marriage or having kids. It is possible there is so much fear attached to those life changing decisions that for that reason he opposes those things that I feel will be important for the future that I want to have. Any thoughts??? Thank you for reading this if you do and any suggestions will help me. I pray all of you find the answers you seek as well. Good luck everyone!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (31 August 2010):
 His "alone time" I see it as he is escaping from his feelings, the pressure of life is weighing down on him. He doesn't open up to you so he pushes you away. Now, he said before he doesn't really want to get married or children that's probably due to what he's seen in his home life and he's most likely holding onto those beliefs. Otherwise during those 5 years, there would have been some talk on your future. If he doesn't want marriage or kids, then is it going to be boyfriend/girlfriend for the rest of your life? Part of me thinks he can't commit now because of everything that's holding him back which could be fixed in time...the other part of me thinks he is truly one of those people that don't want marriage or kids those people either grow old and lonely or live their life through work. I'm on the fence on this one, it could go either way. He could spend the time at his house bid his time out till he can find another job, and get some $ saved up to move out then he may reconsider the children and marriage. But who knows how long you will be waiting.. The thing you have to decide is you guys aren't on the same page on this matter (a very important matter) you're trying to get there but it's not happening..do you want to be with someone who ultimately doesn't want what you want?
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (31 August 2010):
His "alone time" I see it as he is escaping from his feelings, the pressure of life is weighing down on him. He doesn't open up to you so he pushes you away. Now, he said before he doesn't really want to get married or children that's probably due to what he's seen in his home life and he's most likely holding onto those beliefs. Otherwise during those 5 years, there would have been some talk on your future. If he doesn't want marriage or kids, then is it going to be boyfriend/girlfriend for the rest of your life? Part of me thinks he can't commit now because of everything that's holding him back which could be fixed in time...the other part of me thinks he is truly one of those people that don't want marriage or kids those people either grow old and lonely or live their life through work. I'm on the fence on this one, it could go either way. He could spend the time at his house bid his time out till he can find another job, and get some $ saved up to move out then he may reconsider the children and marriage. But who knows how long you will be waiting.. The thing you have to decide is you guys aren't on the same page on this matter (a very important matter) you're trying to get there but it's not happening..do you want to be with someone who ultimately doesn't want what you want?
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