A
female
age
41-50,
*ettie
writes:My husband and I have a couple of issues. It's usually about money or sex. We are both a little overwhelmed cause we just bought our first home. We have two children an eleven year old boy and a one year old daughter so this should be the happiest times of our lives. We are both very careful about spending money we rarely splurge and we are both ok with that. We both agree that it's better to have a nice home than material items but every payday when I need to buy groceries etc... it's like he gets sad and sighs when I need money to take care of the family. (I am a stay at home mom). I sometimes struggle with the idea of staying home because I like to work but won't be able to make enought money to cover daycare so it's not worth it right now. We plan one one more child and once they are in school full time (and it's affordable) I will go back to school and pursue a career which is something I've always dreamed of. My husband says he'll support anything I want to do but would rather I just be his wife. What I don't understand is that caring for my family is my job but it's like he doesn't trust me with money. That sigh and sadness is like silent judgement.(or like he thinks his family is sucking him dry). I am so not frivolous with money and it's obvious. Sometimes I try to point that out by using other people like friends, family, coworkers as examples since their wives are obviously high maintenance and I haven't let myself go, I still can look good without spending a lot but I no longer share things with him like getting a good deal one something or doing something nice for our home or family because even if it only cost one dollar(no exaggeration) he will just sigh. He used to "make a joke" like oh it must be nice to buy whatever the item or ask do we really need that and now that we have a house and growing children it's even harder for me to stretch that dollar. I do my best, I cook from scratch every day and pack him lunch every day and take care of every other detail in our lives. Even the handy work around the house since he's not handy. I'm starting to feel like a doormat. My husband is a very intelligent man and more and more it feels like he's looking down his nose at us. He'll come home from work and instead of focusing on the things that are done or put away he'll start putting things away like he's annoyed and asking are you done with this or can this go away now. All while I'm cooking dinner tending to the baby and homework but that's his way of "helping" and if I ever (which is not often) say I'm unhappy with the way things are he always says the same thing "all I do is work hard to take care of you and the kids I spend all the money and my time on all of you" and he says it like I'm ungrateful. All I want is the respect I deserve but I don't think I should have to demand it or beg for it, it should just be given in return. When it comes to sex I think I've always had a higher sex drive probably since he masturbates. I've never rejected him except once in the beginning of our relationship (8 years ago) cause I wanted him to see how it feels to be rejected since he often rejects me. He angrily said "maybe I sould just sleep in the other room". Normally I initiate sex and he rejects me by not reponding (watching t.v. mostly or going right to sleep). We usually have sex on the weekends cause that's the only time for it but more and more he'll drink a twelve pack of beer and fall asleep on the couch by eight or nine o'clock on the weekends, just in time for me to get the kids to bed have uninterupted time with him. Oh yeah he usually drinks at least a six pack each night cause he needs to relax. He does work two jobs which I am grateful for. I just wish he would respect my job just as much. He does spend some money on himself like two gym memberships (one at his corprate office so he can shower in between jobs an a new one for powerlifting, his hobbie) beer almost every night cigarettes (he cut back a lot maybe two packs a week) which all adds up but I'm supportive but I could get a new shirt for five dollars or less (I only shop clearance racks,and that's rare) he's just like oh that's nice like he really doesn't mean it. It's like he thinks I should have no want or need for anything except food and shelter and this is from a man who before me would party hard and spent money on things like vacations, fancy cars, drugs, women, jewellery and then was broke and in debt and I gave him a chance after he chased me for two years. We were broke together and in love and the better our life becomes the more distant we become and the more he holds on to money.It's been three weeks since we last had sex (that's a lot). We had all weekend and all he did was grope me and when asked to stop he did not which I think is disrespectful and then Monday morning tried when we would only have about five minutes. I think I deserve a little better than that. So now we're not really speaking. Not like he would care what I have to say anyway. Lately we don't really have anything to talk about anyway unless it's his day but my day is not that interesting kids, cleaning, etc... since he seems disinterested when I tell him about it. Sorry so long and drawn out but the full picture is needed. How do we get past this?
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (6 November 2008):
 You do have some serious issues here. He expects you to tighten the belt, but doesnt himself. He most certainly does not need two gym memberships and the drinking and smoking are bad habits that need to stop. I am concerned that the drinking may be a way of self medicating and that he is suffering some depression. The sighs, the worries and the drinking show me that the exhaustion from working 2 jobs may be taking its toll.
But then we have some entitlement issues. Because he is the wage earner he seems to feel entitled to extras (gym memberships) while you are underserving because you do not bring any money into the household. This is comepletely unfair as the work you do with the house and children is just as important as the work he does to earn the money.
Perhaps if you stop doing your job for a couple days he might appreciate all that you do. I know you cant stop taking care of the kids. But you could stop cleaning the house and cooking the dinners. A few days will be all it takes for the house to be a disaster and the take out food or frozen dinners to get old and he will then appreciate just how hard you work to keep everything so nice.
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