A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and we have a 19 month old son together. I never really was bothered about getting engaged and married till a few months after I had my son. I take him to appointments and we don't even have the same last name, I'd like us all to have the same last name and be a family. I want to try for another mid next year but don't want to if we aren't engaged or married. I want my son to see that marriage is important. My grandparents and parents both are in marriages and it's always seemed normal. My son wasn't planned and got pregnant before we had been together a year so obviously getting married then was too soon and getting engaged still didn't pop into my head then.I have gone through a phase of nagging and asking questions like will we get married, does he want to marry me. That just annoyed him so I stopped because what's the point in getting married if he doesn't want to and be forced? He does talk about where he'd want to get married and we do talk about it but I don't nag anymore :)We had a stupid argument on Monday were we both over reacted. He packed ALL his stuff and left but then came back a few hours later. Even now he's still dragging it on. And on the Tuesday he said 'i was going to propose to you on your birthday now you've ruined it and I'm not going to propose at all, you don't even know what I was going to do'Well it's my birthday in a few weeks and I'm so upset because I wasn't expecting it at all and would of been so happy :( he said he was going to go get a ring on payday and he'd been to get our son measured for a suit I'm not quite sure why (he has always wanted to buy him a suit for some reason though even without proposing!) now I don't know what I should do? I've told him how mean it is to even tell me he should of just not said. Everything always seems to go wrong for me recently!He knows I'd do anything for him and I do everything I can, probably a lot more than him. So maybe he just takes me for granted, I really don't want to leave him over this but it's been playing on my mind since the argument!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): many a great relationship has been ruined by one person (usually the woman) wanting marriage while the other doesn't.
why not just enjoy what you have? marriage is the one thing in a relationship that shouldn't happen as a result of a compromise. Marriage should only happen if both people are highly enthusiastic about it and want it. If only one person wants it, then by default the relationship is not meant to be a marriage (how can you be meant to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you?). in which case, continued "discussion" of marriage does no good except to create more and more tension and distance between the two people and destroy the actual relationship.
if marriage is that important to you, then leave him and look for another man who also wants marriage. Or accept your current relationship and appreciate it for what it is and stop wanting it to become a marriage. But it does no good to stay in a relationship while you continue to want marriage but your boyfriend does not because as long as such a relationship continues it's always going to be a no-win situation, no matter what the outcome (marriage or not) one of you will lose.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): I'm the original poster, in my post I said how I have stopped nagging and going on about it because I don't want to force him. I don't think wanting to get married makes me shallow, and I said to him that I didn't believe he was going to that he was just saying it to be hurtful and mean and he did show a few things to prove that he was going to. I put on about the nagging to show how I've changed and don't mention it anymore. Thanks for the responses anyway
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): You're already a family. Its shallow to want to get married to someone who doesn't feel the same way just cos you think getting married will solve the problems you currently have. It won't and you'll be dissappointed and even more in pain that your expectations weren't met.I doubt he really intended to propose. Its too convenient a thing for him to say to throw back in your face when things are going badly. Don't believe it. He just said that to hurt you because he knows its what you wanted and now he has the perfect excuse never to propose and blame it on you do he saves himself from something he never wanted and gets to look good while you look bad. You should ditch him already.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 April 2012):
 Okay, my previous response was the emotional response.
He is mean for telling you he had prepared to propose on your birthday, my gut tells me he had no intention of doing this at all, but simply said it to hurt you. It was mean, and it was nasty.
I stand by my previous answer, you should be able to change your son's name to yours easily enough, contact the office where you registered the baby's birth for information on how to do it. Don't be fobbed off, if you are told its not possible ask legal clarification so you can check online for yourself. (sometime people don't know and say it cant be done because it's an easy cop out for them).
In the meantime consider very seriously if you really feel your boyfriend is husband material, if he is not going to honour and love you why even bother marrying him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 April 2012):
If you and the child's father are not married you are not under any legal obligation to give your child the father's last name.
Change it back to yours, and tell your boyfriend if you are not good enough to have his family name neither is the flesh and blood of your body.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): First of all STOP NAGGING HIM!!
Your just pushing him away & creating unnecessary tension in your relationship.
He should also WANT to propose not have has hand forced by demands & nagging!!
I can understand that marriage & sharing your child's surname is important to you but so should keeping your family together !
You don't know what's around the corner!
Stop expecting & trying to make a proposal happen it's only going to put him off the idea even more!
You are already a family no engagement or wedding or change of surname is going to make that any different,the only thing a marriage will change is your surname & the amount of dept you get into.
Just chill out isn't it better that the three of you are together as a happy family,than demanding rings & weddings.
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