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female
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anonymous
writes:I am 62 years old (but a very young 62). I'm active, I exercise 5 times a week and everyone tells me I don't look my age. I'm in good health and take care of myself. Six years ago, my husband of 32 years passed away. Three years later I met a man while I was walking home from the drug store. He was very attractive and had also recently lost his wife. We began dating and decided to take it very slow. The relationship blossomed, but it always bothered me that he was somewhat impulsive and tempermental. Six months after we began dating,his health began to take a nose dive. I recently found out that he is not 62,as he told me, but 71. His family is almost non-existent, as he has alienated himself from each one of them, o ne by one, due to his negativity. Most of the time, he's very attentive and caring, but due to his physical condition, we are severly restricted to what activities in which we can participate. One day when we were at a restaurant at the beach, we met a gentleman who joined us for lunch. He had also lost his spouse the year before, and being that we thought we were all the same age (62), we had a lot in common and enjoyed our afternoon. Since that time, I have been seeing this man (purely platonic to this piont) every few weeks to go to a movie, go hiking, art galleries, etc. He is upbeat, takes xlnt care of himself and when we are together, we are never at a loss of things to talk about. My boyfriend is not aware that I see this man. Man #2 (for lack of a better word), is very independent and does not desire to marry again (neither do I), but says I'm the most interesting lady he's met in many years and always looks forward to our outings. He has, in no way, made any sexual advances. I do feel that there's something between us and that if he knew Man #1 was out of my life, he might take this relationship to another level. I'm tortured about the decision I may have to make, but Man #1 has not been honest with me about his age, or about the fact that when we met he was already having physical challenges - they just weren't apparent at that time. I have been very supportive of him and have accompanied him to doctor appointments, surgeries, etc. There is much about him I love, but I am torn between my affection for him, leaving him at a time when he's ill and needs someone to give him the incentive to get better and knowing that there could be a more fulfilling life out there with someone who is not physically challenged. I've already watched one husband die and watching it again terrifies me. Guilt is a big issue here. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. P.S. We do not live together..he lives 2 blocks away from me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpart of what keeps me in the relationship with Man #1 is that he has helped me through some very challenging financial times. He is not terminally ill, but faces ailments that prevent him from doing the things he has always loved to do....work on his car, garden - he was a very active man. These things are now overwhelmingly challenging for him and because he lives with chronic pain, his energy level is very often low. I worry that if I tell him that I want to end the relationship, he may do something to hurt himself. He tells me that I am what keeps him going. Lots of responsibility for one person to bear, isn't it?
Your answer hit every nail on the head - and the choice is mine, but it is a tortorous one. I don't want Man #2 to be the reason I get out of the relationship - I want it to be because I would get out even if there wasn't another man in the picture (platonic or not). Life is complicated.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (25 September 2009):
 A relationship is about trust and being honest about EVERYTHING. I am 21 and I think he is immature. While I do understand he was afraid you would not take him, because of his condition, I think it was wrong of him to lie. My suggestion is that you break it off with the 71 year old, but still be for him as a friend. After all, he isn't a terrible guy. He is just not super confident that someone would accept him given his health condition.You need to live your life. The feelings for the 62 year old guy are there. As far as I am concerned, you two are still young and have many years left. You can live them one of two ways.With the 71 year old who wasn't honestORWith the 62 year old that is healthy, interested in and can do what you enjoy, and most importantly, the guy that has your heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): You watched a husband die. That's enough for one life time.
You made no vow, no commitment, to Man #1. You don't *have* to watch him die, too. If you choose, you can continue in the role of caregiver. But understand that it's your choice -- he lived his life and ended up without anyone to care for him. That you happened along doesn't obligate you.
I don't see how that prevents you from having a relationship with Man #2. If you want, you can nurse Man #1. But if Man #2 is going to give you fulfillment for the rest of your years, then by all means do it! As you know by now, life is far too short.
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