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female
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*mogen
writes: Recently asked for some advice regarding my sexless marriage. Actually told my husband that I will have sex with another man and he just doesn't respond so I said "I take that as a you don't care answer" and was met once again with total silence. I honestly think that as long as I don't divorce him if I want sex somewhere else that's ok. He just won't tell me why he no longer wants to sleep with me. I won't feel guilty - as far as I'm concerned he is the guilty party here. We get along ok apart from the sex issue - could someone please help me understand what is wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): requency of sex may be a measure of a marriage’s long-term health; if it suddenly starts to wane, it can be a leading indicator of deeper problems. And the big problem here is..your husband no longer wants sexual relations with you, at all. And he isn't saying why. How painful for you and I am sorry.
It doesn't hurts to have him get a medical check-up anyway, just to rule out something physical. After all, the fact that he has no energy for fun might mean he’s suffering from depression. If all medical/physical reasons like stress, illness, erectile dysfunction, impotence, etc are ruled out, then his problem runs deeper. Is there a possibility he’s got someone else in his life? Might he's angry at you and unwilling to be open about it? He could be harboring resentment, or he might be wrestling with his own personal concerns. The first idea I had, is that perhaps he is angry or upset about something you did or didn't do or say. Some men clam up and allow it to eat away at them. This is his marriage too, he needs to communicate. It's important to talk about problems and find solutions. If this is the case, I encourage you to voice your concerns and encourage him to open up. Be sure to listen to him and then reflect hard on what you heard. I also recommend some counselling before you do step out and have that affair. I think the primary focus of therapy should be communication skills re-education between the both of you. Going to counselling would put him in touch with whatever he's avoiding.
Now about this affair. Don't diminish your self-value by doing this. Infidelity is not the answer to a troubled marriage, many people do reach a point where they feel an affair is their only recourse. Since your husband has made it clear that he has no interest whatsoever in being sexually involved with you, avoid putting yourself into any more sexual situations where he will reject you because that will only make you feel worse about yourself.
Give him some sexual space and find ways to spend quality time together that does not involve sexualintimacy. Have fun and do things that nurture your friendship if you feel that it's retrievable (you did say you both get along okay apart from the sex issue). A good, solid emotional friendship/bond is always the best foundation for a married couple. If after all this, and there is no headway you may need to suggest that unless things improve, the relationship will end because it's not fair to you. This may make him realize just how serious things have become. But don't threaten this until you're sure you're ready to end it should his response not be the one you hope for. Take care and I hope all works out for you.
Hugs, Irish
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