A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, sorry this is so long. I have been dating a guy for almost a year and he seemed like the sweetest, most genuine and trust worthy guy. It was such a relief to have him after my ex boyfriend who was such a flirt and cheater. We were really happy and crazy in love the first few months, and continued to be, but then he started obsessing too much. I work with an ex boyfriend - theres only the two of us in the office, so i know thats a hard situation for my boyfriend every day but i truly am over my ex and i have absolutley no interest in him. My boyfriend began CONSTANTLY checking my phone, etc. It became overwhelming and so frustrating and would lead to us fighting. Then any time I wanted to hang out by with friends he would want to go and a lot of times I didn't want him to bc I just wanted to have a good time with friends without having to worry if we were going to fight. I just became so frustrated with his insecurity that I would freak out And say really hurtful cruel things I'd tell him to leave and that I didn't want to see him or be with him anymore but I would just say it in the heat of the moment and apologize a few hrs later. Our fights got out of hand and I admit I would say really cruel things. A couole months ago he freaked out on me bc he heard I slept with my ex. At this point I was so tired of this I just hung up and told him I was done. He kept trying to call me but I wouldn't answer. The next day I finally talked to him and we apologized and got back together. Now I find out from someone he cheated on me. I was beyond devastated, nearly suicidal, but he denied it all day. Then he finally admitted he did make out with someone. It was when we were broken up during that fight and he said he did it because he was so angry I was so mean to him and he didn't think we'd get back togethr, it meant nothing but revenge and he denied it because he didn't want to hurt me. He cried and cried and appokofized and said hed do anything for me Then I find out the next day they did have sex. He finally admitted it but said he had felt so guilty but that he truly thought the right thing would be to not hurt me. He says at that time he truly thought I was cheating, he thought I broke up with him and I was always hurting him. He's cried with me all day saying it was only that once for a few minutes and it felt wrong so he left. He seems so sincere I just don't know what to do. I know there was no emotions, he's not attracted to the girl and I guess technically we were broken up but he lied to me about it and I can't get the thought of them out of my head!! I truly believe he loves me and isn't interested in other girls but what should I do? THANK YOU!
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broke up, cheated on me, flirt, got back together, I work with, my ex, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 August 2011):
Relationships are not defined by having problems. All relationships have problems. What defines them is how you deal with your problems, how you react. You guys are young, and probably a little inexperienced, and so when problems come up you both aren't responding well to them. When he does things like hang out with you at times when you don't want him around due to his insecurities, you are hurtful and cruel to him. When you broke up with him, he was hurt, and his reaction was to try and hurt you back by sleeping with someone else straight away. Though it is technically not cheating because you were broken up, it is a betrayal because he didn't honour your relationship by fighting for it, and making sure things were really over before doing it, and he reacted out of hurt specifically to hurt you. Rather than him being hurt and looking for a good way to respond to the problem, his response was to try and hurt you more than he was hurt. Once he made this mistake, he probably did realise it was a mistake and leave after a few minutes, but he then responded by not telling you and trying to hide it. This is also not a great response, but it is kind of normal and in fairness he has at least come forward with the truth so you can deal with it.
It is possible that he is honest and genuine, and is truly remorseful. That is not the point though. The point is more that if your relationship is going to be successful you are both going to have to find different ways of reacting to the problems that come up in your relationships. Breakups, hurtful actions and words, are not going to allow you to both last.
There is good news though. This is the perfect point for you two to do some growing up and start communicating well in your relationship, and to change how you treat one another and behave with one another. If there is love there, and you can rebuild your trust, there is the potential to have a healty relationship. It is not unusual for people to make these kinds of mistakes when you are young, if these mistakes can be forgiven, and if your hearts are both in it to stay with one another and help eachother to become who you want to be and create the kind of relationship you want, you have a chance to use these mistakes as a springboard to creating a successful relationship.
One thing though. It is important that you don't give him the subtle message that it is ok for him to screw up like this and that you will just take him back. He needs to know that if you are to give him a second shot, he can't make the same mistake and have you stick around, because you will be setting yourself up for him to take advantage of you, and you don't want that to happen. He needs to know that he is only getting another shot to see if he can start to make better choices than the one he just made. If he can't, he has to hit the road.
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