A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a huge problem with my boyfriend looking at porn (which I know he does). I looked on his computer once and saw in the history all the sites he had been looking through. It hurt so badly and I still can't stop thinking about it everyday, and wondering if he's still doing it (which i'm sure he must be). I hate the thought of him keeping secrets from me, and now I feel that he just hides it instaed! We spoke about it at the time, and he said it was just what every guy does, and I shouldn't be so upset about it. He now deletes his history on his computer!! I can't get it out of my head, but just don't know how to bring up the subject again, or how to explain why it hurts me so much. Please help me if you can, as its ruining an otherwise fantastic relationship, and I don't know how to change the way I feel!
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male
reader, jmac1344  +, writes (24 April 2007):
 He may look at porn but at the end of the day you're the one he wants to be with.
Most guys look at porn, the imagination just doesn't cut it alot of the time.
And he is probably only hiding it from you so you don't get upset.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): Why are you making his masturbation habits your business anyway?
If he wants to share his habits with you he will, otherwise it's really none of your business.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Not all men look at or need porn. That's a really lame excuse that you shouldn't fall for. Your guy is bored, and he's learned for years that when he's bored and alone he masturbates. It doesn't need to be a symptom of a bad relationship, unless you've asked him not to do it. Maybe text him some provocative pics of you...let him know you feel he's mentally cheating when he looks at other women and ejaculates. Your feelings are perfectly justified.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Dont fall for the rubbish below which implies women either need to put up with porn or an affair. It is perfectly reasonable for oyu to expect him...NOT to use porn and NOT to have an affair. If he doesnt want to give it up hes a waste of space anyway...Give him the opportunity. see where his priorities lie and make your decision from there
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A
female
reader, Girl14 +, writes (16 April 2007):
 All i can say, if your relationship means that much, and you love him.
Isnt porn better than him having an acctual affair?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): You two may share some nice memories and common interests, but the relationship is failing. His love for you is being replaced with porn, sex and fantasy. Your anger and frustrations are the result of what he's doing to just satisfy himself. That’s the bottom line. It seems you and he, have different values about respect and trust in this relationship. Since internet porn has arrived, the porn issue, is becoming a pervasive problem in many relationships, judging by all the heartbreaking letters we get into this site. One of the biggest reasons, is it causes resonably good, loving guys to do things that deeply create a wedge in the relationship. Hiding it and viewing it secretly, which creates conflict, painful feelings and deep mistrust in a love relationship. And when you don't have trust, you don't have respect which causes ongoing resentment, hurt feelings which turns into a dysfunctional relationship. You have made your feelings known and now he is deleting the history on the computer. So in effect, he's still hiding something otherwise he wouldn't bother deleting the history. So he's not stopping what he is doing to keep this a healthy, viable relationship. It's a conscience, adult choice he has made. So this porn issue, will always be an enormous challenge in this relationship. Hun, this is not your punishment, nor are you wrong for feeling this way. I personally do think that regular indulgence in porn and sexual fantasy, is a form infidelity. I know of one couple where she told him, the porn goes or she does. She put big boundaries up and he literally stopped viewing it, so I know adult males use self-restaints and control ones eyes, one's mind, one's actions and just stop doing it. You bf made a promise of of being sexually and emotionally committed to you. So when he purposely watches porn, one doesn't know if he's focusing his attention on you or someone else. This is an issue of respect. You may always feel 'cheated on' by your partner..you will feel unhappy about your own sexuality. This is not a question of whether porn is normal and whether all guys do it. This is a question of what is a healthy vs an unhealthy relationship. Personally, I know of many men who 'don't' watch porn, so they are out there. So the blase, false statement that 'all men do it' doesn't hold any justification with me. That's a smokescreen and a bunch of BS..plain and simple. I think if this 'dysfunction' is not resolved quickly, you will be on the verge of realizing you are beating your head against a wall and are loving someone, who can’t give it all to you. The reality is: his behaviours are hurting you to the core. He needs to re-learn that real-life relationships with the lady he loves, is about doing good, decent things and looking after the needs and well-being of those he loves. A relationship should involve spiritual growth, where his generosity, his givingness provides a strong, cohesive element in this relationship. I suggest you and he try some counseling with some emphasis on him learning to have a conscience and understand why, when he sees you struggling and why he's not bothering to think about the morality of the situation or your pain.
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A
male
reader, dandchapmanuk +, writes (16 April 2007):
Hi.
He loves you becuase he deletes do you don get offended. Sit down and talk to him about him. Dont worry about it. Its just curiosity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): Hi, yes infact its both the below that bother me! Firstly its the porn - it goes round and round in my head what he may be looking at, if it excites him more than i do, when he may have last looked, and if there may be other things going on too (like chatting to other women etc). I can't get it out of my head, it pops up all the time and constantly distracts me! It also makes me feel unwanted and unattractive, even though we have a very good sex life and are very happy... and the other thing is that now he's hiding it. I know he is only doing this because of the way i reacted the first time, but i don't want to have secrets between us!! He's probably just trying to avoid future arguements, but it's making me paranoid! If he knew I had checked his history AGAIN he would be very upset, as he freaked out abit last time when i told him!
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (16 April 2007):
 Is it the fact that it is porn?
Or the fact he is lying about it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): Well, he is right about most guys looking at porn. Most guys I know do.
He's probably deleting the history so you don't get upset.
But I think you should talk to him about it.
It seems like you feel that by him looking at porn, you are not good enough for him sexually?
That is probably incorrect. Most guys masturbate, whether they have a wonderful sex life or not. It's just what they do.
But I definatley think you should discuss it with him.
I hope I have helped
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): I used to have an addiction. I was just so curious of different things. He might just be curious like I used to be. Help him with it. It is really hard to break the addiction. He needs your help.
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