A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,First off many thanks to all of you that take the time and offer me your advice, I cannot thank you enough.I am having a lot of problems with my 9 mo. boyfriend, there are a lot of issues involved but I have never been more confused in my life and at the same time the fact that I am about to graduate from college is making this harder for some reason, he is year younger than me and he's currently in his 4th semester in College (dont know if that helps)We are both latin american, but I grew up in the US (he didn't)so my relationship ideals WERE different... his idea of a relationship WAS one where the couple is together 99% of the time (I initially conflicted with this, but when my car broke down and had big problems at home, I relied psychologically on him almost 100% of the time, which now made me get accustomed to being with him ALL the time, I know it it pathetic.... I have tried to break habit, it's really hard, I miss him when we are not together)About 5 months ago, I sent a text to a friend telling her (somewhat jokingly) that I had found my soulmate in another guy in whom I had a crush, my bf saw the text and we broke up for 2 days. I never intended on acting on it, it was more of a daydreaming type of thing...He said he felt betrayed, cheated and couldn't trust me, I must admit that back then, didn't believe that he would ever consider me a serious relationship until I saw how hurt he was and after my mistake I fell in love with him. However, I side with him, I understand my mistake and understand my mistake and I am doing everything I can to fix it.About 3 months after that, one night while I was at his house and pretended to be asleep, I overheard him tell his best friend that he didn't see me as a long time girlfriend, I was hurt because this time it's me who wants something serious and have been to this day trying to show him how much I love him but when that happened I broke up with him for a day but I am in love with him and after we had a talk about it we got back (his explanation for what I heard was that he is being honest with me and that he doesn't know what is going to happen tomorrow but that he has a good time when we are together, that is why he said that)A month ago, he reminded me of the same (i.e no long time thinking), which once again broke my heart because as i told him again: "why are you with me then?, just because you are having a good time?, because your family is not here?, because YOU THINK you are alone in this country?, is that REALLY THE ONLY thing that ties you to me?, what is going to happen when the "good times" are gone? am I going to be the one left with the broken heart?".... I cannot remember what he said but we got back, we were fine for another month until yesterday, he wanted to be in bed with me and I didn't want to so I said a really offensive comment regarding health issues in general and he was pissed off, I left his apartment and went to work, he went to the bar with his best friend and after I realized what a bitch I had been (although many times he doesn't respect my wishes, so I swallow my opinion and end up trying to make him happy but I didn't want to do this yesterday) I texted him to apologize but he never replied, so I went to his apt to apologize in person and he seemed happy (and a bit buzzed).This morning I went on his facebook (wasn't expecting to find anything bad, as I trust/(trusted????) him) but out of nowhere and i actually felt somewhat weird to be doing this but either way I kept looking and under his sent messages I found 2 recent e-mails HE sent to two different girls , one a girl in his country (he went back to visit his family in December for a month) and in that message dated Dec 19th (while he was in his country) he told this girl that he had dreamt with her and that he remembered how awesome they used to be when they were together and he remembers her as a wonderful girl, he calls her my love (which they do in latin american countries, but this is where there is a fine line between "my love" and my love).The second e-mail was to a girl he met at Paul Mitchell beauty school when we both went to get haircuts, I don't know how but they are friends on facebook and he said that SHE added him (I remember asking him if he had liked his haircut because I wanted to show him that I was proud being a client of Paul Mitchell (dumb I know) well I CLEARLY remember him saying he didn't really cared for it and she took a long time, which he wasn't toooooo "excited" with it, well the message he sent yesterday night (yeah I still remember it) said:"Hi cutie! I don't know if you still remember me but I was wondering if you are still working at Paul Mitchell ;)) "I cannot forget that he keeps reminding me that he doesn't think we'll be together for long, then the fact that he changed after he came back from his country (he doesn't want to spend as much time with me as he used to.... I am the one asking to spend with him now) and these two e-mails are making me not trust him... I told him "why didn't you call Paul mItchell and ask them directly if she still worked for them, why did you have to PRIVATELY message her?, why do you call her cutie?, why the smiley face?, how would you feel if I'd do that to some guy?"he said "I didn't think about calling Paul mitchell" (REALLY!? I DON'T BUY THIS ONe), why did you privately message her instead of writing publicly on her wall? "We are not friends, that's why I messaged her (I am sorry but this is a question that doesn't require you to be "best friends" if that's what he meant; why did you call her cutie? "I was trying to be nice... I don't know how to be nice (Is it me or is this the worst excuse?... I am in love but even this one sounds soooo dumb!, "how would you feel if i were to do this to a guy" he said "I would be ok, because if you say you are friends then I trust you...He said I am imagining things...I don't know what to think on one hand my rational self is connecting the dots to his changed behavior, his e-mails, his distrust in me, his reluctance to be with me and that part of me it's better to break up for once and for all, then my heart tells me to stay....I am guilty for making him hate me, distrust me or whatever he feels towards me but I have changed and I show him every day, I have the best intentions... but I feel so betrayed and hurt and I am having problems trusting him now...PLease.... what do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): ok yes you made mistake, you really should not have sent those texts to your friend but he should not be doing this now. you need to get out, he doesnt see it long term and by sounds of it if he can get with someone else he will, im sorry that sounds harsh but thats how its coming across. you need out now. it will hurt but grab your friends and family and pull them in close to help you with movies and good times.
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